Do I post the letter?

[ThelittleBee]

My step mother has fallen out with her entire family by starting a relationship with my dad's (her then husbands) friend soon after he passed away. He was still married and living with his wife and children. This caused a huge rift as not only were the family still grieving from his loss a few months prior, but no one wanted any part in destroying another family. This was three years ago and today we found out that she has went ahead and married the man as he has had a recent terminal diagnosis and is now also very close to death. So close they married at the hospice. I felt nothing but empathy for her until his daughter got in touch with me and asked for my help contacting her as she is refusing to let his children see him and make thing right before he passes. I felt strongly that she is repeating the same thing she did to me by denying anyone else the right to grieve and once again is seeing this man as only her husband and like he was nothing to anyone else besides her. I wrote a letter to her today, at first just to vent and get things off my chest, but now I am considering sending it to her. There is already chatter about how she wanted to make sure she has financial security over his assets but that is speculation and I do feel for her despite the past. The letter explains that I wish she would acknowledge that these men are and were peoples fathers, friends, and loved by people other then herself. I did express my hurt and shock, but also explained that I want to be someone who moves with kindness and compassion. Do I send the letter? I feel she needs to be told that she cant control someone else's relationships but I also feel its not my place? (Note she had been in my life for 25 years before my father passed and this all kicked off) I am the only person who can say this to her as all the others don't want anything to do with it/ her.

I would suspect she knows and understands what you are saying, but does not care sadly.

I don’t think sending the letter will help, people like this don’t change.

How is she stopping the children from seeing him? Unless she has legal power of attorney and he lacks mental capacity then they should be able to see him.

I’d stay out of the whole thing and try not to get involved.

She has told them he is too sick to see them and that they wish to be left alone while he receives his end of life care at her home. Although he has not been able to express this himself, its all been her.

I don't think it's your place. How difficult.

I’d send it

They should just go down anyway to see him

With regards to sending the letter, I guess it depends on the content of it and how you've expressed it. What I mean by that is, if the outcome it want is for her to realise what she's doing and communicate with the sons/daughters and say they can see him, then it needs to be expressed in a way that's not going to put her on the defensive and that's going to get that outcome.

Do you have anything to lose?

Don't send the letter

Get in touch with her and ask if shes ok as you have heard.

Don't send the letter

Get in touch with her and ask if shes ok as you have heard.

I agree with this. Think very carefully about what you want the letter to achieve. If you criticise her (however justified you are in doing so) it is unlikely to make her do what you want.

Although I was honest in the letter about how I have been hurt by her in the past, I did very much try to use empathy and compassion as the key undertones for the letter. I just want her to know that although our relationship wont be saved, she has the chance to allow people to have their goodbye and that she too can find comfort in knowing she did the best by her (new) husband in his time of need. I also gave her address to his daughter for her to try in person as I do believe its a cruel thing to deny a father and daughter.

Presumably you haven’t had a relationship with your step mother for some years now, and ultimately don’t know her new husband at all, nor the background of his relationship with his family and what he would have wanted from them. I don’t think it’s your place to get involved on behalf of his children.

The real question is do you think the letter will make a jot of difference?

The other children will likely appreciate that you’ve tried.

I don't. I suppose in my own selfish way its an opportunity for me to give her the compassion I never received and be able to walk away with my head high hoping my dad would have been proud of my kindness/ attempt to help make things right

as the mother of 2 DC who last their dad just over a year ago, and on the day of his death his wife, removed her wedding rings telling the girls 'well i'm not married anymore now am i?'

he had been diagnosed terminal some 2 years previous and this was the end of a very long decline.

3 days after the funeral, she went on holiday with her new boyfriend, the day their dads ashes were interred? i think thats the term she decided that was the best day to tell all his family about the new man. On fathers day she decided that was the best day to tell the children she was getting rid of the family pets and selling the family home.

My children despise this woman now, they are hurt and angry because they cared for her deeply, they set aside their own grief to help this woman. 15 months later and she i believe is living the high life, spending all of their dads money!

My children are broken because they could not say the things to her they wanted to say. One now has PTSD related too the birth of her own child but stems from not dealing with her dads death and the other is in therephy.

If you have words you need to say... say them! heal yourself but don't involve yourself in other peoples grief and drama because no good will come of it

sorry to hear.

can the daughter who contacted you, not send the letter themselves? I mean, it is more relevant to them.

I wouldn't send it. For a few different reasons.

Compassionately, she will be going through turmoil that her second love is dying and thus could make her feel worse.

But really because it will make no difference to the other family. I think she will know how crushingly lonely she will be when he dies and is still gatekeeping him from the family so they don't get peace, as she won't.

Leave this alone and support the other family behind the scenes in different ways. She will get what she deserves in life.

Im sorry to hear this. Its super messed up that people have it in them to do this. I have had lots of therapy myself and also didn't get a thing after my dad passed despite being the only child. That didn't bother me though, she has always told me that the reason was because when she goes (being childless herself) everything is mine. I don't believe it, not do I care, but its the wounds that are left behind that hurt the most. I told his daughter to show up at the house, its one thing for me to have lost my dad this way and I don't want to see them have to go threw the same.

She wants to see him before he passes (extremely soon, could have happened now already) and she doesn't want to wait for an inevitably ignored attempt.

Send the letter if you want to but don't expect it to make any difference to her. She sounds very selfish and obviously doesn't care that she is hurting her husband's children. I don't think there's anything you can say that will sway her.

so, you think you sending the letter would help? if so, by all means.

sorry, I am unclear. I thought your op said the letter was just to tell her how awful she is, which pp rightly commented she was aware of already!

I would re-write it. Take out the stuff you wanted to get off your chest and just put in what you've said in your update above - will bring her comfort, does best by the family, etc.

The letter was my way of both expressing my views on this wedding and an attempt to get her to let him see others. It wasn't at all a letter to tell her how awful she is, if anything it was to let her know that although we don't have a relationship any more she still deserves empathy in this time, to wish them peace and that it would be a good opportunity to let him have that also with his other family

It would be wasted though. Someone who can do this not once but twice probably doesn't have the capacity to understand you are being compassionate.