Cancelling on DC

[Sprogonthetyne]

'D'H is currently living away from the family home (complicated reasons) with family about 2h drive away. We have an agreed schedule of him seeing DC weekly, but he also had an appointment in the town we live in tomorrow, and was going to also see the DC in addition to schedule. I asked him not to mention this to DC until there was a definite plan, but when DC asked him when they would be seeing him, he told them the day of the appointment. Earlier today he rang to tell me that his appointment is cancelled, so he now won't be seeing DC that day.

He thinks it's not his fault the appointment was cancelled, and doesn't matter as it was extra to the schedule and he will see them in a few days anyway.

I think he made a commitment to the DC when he told them he would be seeing them, and it's wrong to let them down just because they're no longer a convenient add on to his other plans.

Who is BU

He is of course. My ex bil used to do this to my nephews all the time. It really affected the oldest one and he had to get counselling. He thought his dad no longer loved him. Your husband is a selfish twat and is clearly only thinking about what is convenient to him.

He's in the wrong, but nothing can be done to change someone's behaviour.

Just explain to your child that you understand they are disappointed and you will be there to spend time with them.

How old is the child? Is it that much of a big deal? Can't the child not be explained to that sometimes these things happen?

That's not how a child sees it though when they've been looking forward to seeing a parent because they're not living with them

He is, obviously. Why is he living apart? Has he hurt one of you?

Yes, it is a big deal. It isn't something that 'happened', it was a choice made by the other parent as they could have kept the contact arrangement if they wanted to. For whatever reason, they didn't want to. That upsets kids, for obvious reasons.

Kids are 7&4.

Explain that sometimes daddy can't be bothered to drive that far 'just' to fulfill a promise to them, and was only going to see them because he was coming anyway for something he views as more important?

Obviously I am going to have to explain that dad's not coming, but I would rather not destroy their sense of self worth in the process.

It's not great but I would just say that there has been a change of plans and dad can't come and see you on that day after all but he will be here on X day. Then I would over-compensate and take the kids out and do something fun. It's not fair or nice of him but such is the world sometimes.

If they are disappointed (likely) just say 'I understand you are disappointed' and attend to their feelings. Don't get into why.

‘Explain that sometimes daddy can't be bothered to drive that far 'just' to fulfill a promise to them, and was only going to see them because he was coming anyway for something he views as more important.’

YABVU to even consider this. You just say the appointment was cancelled so he is not coming that day but will see them as planned on the usual day.

Not you OP.
He can cancel on them.

But if I explain that he's not coming because his appointment was cancelled, they're going to ask or at least wonder why he can't come just to see them.

I'm not planning on actually telling them the above, but I'm pretty sure they'll get their on their own. Especially as they're already feeling unsecure about dad disappearing on them.

Kids are much more resilient than that, on a one off time where he is seeing them in a few days anyway. Just tell them change of plan but Daddy will see you in a couple of days. A regular thing, yes its a problem. A one off, plans change sometimes and that's ok.

There's nothing you can do if he's not coming
Just say he said he can't come anymore as the appointment's not on that he was going to come in for
Any other questions say you don't know or you'll have to ask him.
That's what I do

I wouldn't tell them that the reason he isn't coming is because his appointment got cancelled - just that he can't make it any more because things have changed that day. Then focus on their feelings and on making that day great for them.

I have tonnes of empathy for them, and you. But don't bring up about the appointment, just focus on "change of plans" and then on them.