Thinking about fostering

[luce9]

I am a single parent with one 5yo.early 30s. I'm very interested in fostering, younger children 0-5. No more biological children on the horizon. My DC is very social, loves to play with other children and I feel we could provide a loving home. Any opinions from those with experience with fostering?

I contacted my Local Authority fostering team after seeing an advert for foster carers. My dc are 20 and 17 and one is away at university, I've got a big house with two spare rooms and a bathroom that nobody else uses, I'm a teacher but I don't work full time because I do supply so I thought I would be a good fit.

I called them and spoke to them and they said that someone would call me back at a specific time and they didn't.

So I waited a few days called them and they didn't know why that had happened...made a new appointment time and it happened again.

Called them again and asked them to speak with me right now which they did. They asked a lot of questions which I felt able to answer and they said they would send me some information in the post and that someone would come and see us, dh and I at home.

Never happened.

I'm not convinced that specifying the child was "non British" is helpful. Reads more like an anti-immigration dog-whistle and somewhat inflammatory given the events of the last couple of weeks.

@PeriIsKickingMyButt I work in this sector and maybe there's a difference in Scottish / English legislation. But, if a parent holds parental right and responsibilities for their child in foster care, they can (and do) refuse haircuts and trips abroad. Foster carers also need their permission to visit medical facilities and to carry out any number of tasks.

My Dad and step-Mum fostered for 20 plus years but with no other children at home.

Lots of wonderful experiences but lots of negatives also.

They fostered one from the age of 5-25 (SEN) mainly because it was best for him, convenient and cheaper for the LA but also because of the Winterbourne View abuses, they were terrified of him being abused in residential care.

Due to Dad and Step-Mums failing health, he was placed in a 24/7 placement in a house with 2 other residents a couple of years ago. He (foster brother) has managed the transition better than they have and they have him for tea at least once a week and for Xmas day, his birthday etc but it's been incredibly hard for them to adjust to him being in a situation where he isn't being parented like they did, but is a 'resident'.

But also harder and harder with their poor health to deal with his behaviour when they have him and then they feel guilty for being relieved when they drop him off.

They constantly feel the pressure that he has literally no-one else to be looking out for him other than social care, or taking him out etc. They've made provision for him in their wills but their failing health is made worse by worrying about him having no-one after they're gone.

I'm mindful this is a very uncommon situation but they didn't start out as FC thinking this might happen or planning for it, the situation just developed over time. FC can be a huge, lifelong commitment.

I was a Designated Teacher for many years (leader at school in charge of putting support in place for children in care).

You need to assume that any child you foster has additional needs. This can present in lots of different ways depending on experiences but can include learning needs, emotional regulation difficulties (e.g. physical melt downs, damaging property in the home). There can also be incidents of ‘harmful sexual behaviours’.

In terms of logistics, there are lots of meetings. Most carers I know have ended up leaving their jobs eventually but some work part time (easier if there are two).

The best foster carers I have worked with are those who are resilient, have good sense of humours (even when things are hard) and have a good understanding of trauma informed approaches (look at the PACE approach).

We have had some younger children at school struggle when their parents have fostered. Older children seem to manage better. There are rules in the house which can be hard for them to understand also (eg not being able to play in each others bedrooms).

Some foster carers tell me that they prefer working with agencies as the support for them
is better.

It might be worth registering interest as a respite carer initially.

What a disappointment, please contact an Independent Fostering Agency, they will be all over you like a rash! Foster carers are desperately needed across the country. I think your LA has demonstrated that communication and responsiveness may not be it's strength.

I'm a Foster Carer. In many instances the DC who need foster care are very emotionally or sexually damaged. Many have experienced almost unimaginable trauma. It is very hard for them and they often express their distress by poor behaviour. A lot of the younger DC under 5 have learning disabilities. Under 5's who will not be going hope are likely to be up for adoption unless they have severe disabilities making it less likely they will be chosen for adopted. I fostered a DC at 5 with learning disabilities. He's still with me at 18. It might be hard for your 5 year old DD to attach to a younger DC then the DC goes back to their parents.

We were really frustrated @Doingmybest12 because we had talked about it for a few years and waited until our children were old. Contacting them in the first place wasn't a decision we took lightly. I felt like I was hounding them.

DH and I waited until my youngest DC was 16.

I hope you try again with an IFA and are successful this time.

No more biological children on the horizon. My DC is very social, loves to play with other children
That's got to be one of the most ridiculous justifications to foster that I've ever read in my life 🤦🏿

First bit of advice is to take off the rose tinted glasses. Offering a loving home, and your dc being sociable is a very small % of what's required. It's hard work and traumatic for both you and your dc.

In this day and age children just aren't relinquished any longer they are removed from parents due to abuse or neglect which will often result in severe behavioural issues.

I'm unsure why people are being so dismissive. OP is interested, presumably has a bedroom, has a child who she thinks will accept other children joining the home as they enjoy other children's company. Yes, there is a lot to learn and consider and that's why there is a long process involved. Maybe she'll decide its not right for them, or not right now after considering this further.

Whilst being a single parent in itself would be no barrier to fostering, you need to have an excellent support network around you of close family and friends to help you share the emotional burden.
As many pp have said, babies and children who end up being fostered are often traumatised and damaged, which can come out in challenging behaviour, and you need to be extremely patient and calm to deal with that. Emotionally it helps to have people with whom you can unload so that you can give your best to the foster child.
Also do you work? If you're working full time I doubt you'd be suitable, I know it depends on each authority and the child's age etc but generally they like a foster carer to be at home to take care of the child. Plus from a practical point of view there are visits from SS, contact with parents, meetings etc. At one point when I was a kinship fosterer I had weekly meetings with 4 different social workers plus 6 contacts a week with parents, no way could I have worked at that time.

Because OP seems incredibly naive and thinks that having a DC who likes to play with other children and potentially offering a 'loving home' are reasons to consider fostering.

And honestly, you sound a bit naive too if you think OP being interested, having a spare bedroom and a DC she thinks will accept other DC in their home because they like playing with other DC are green flags to go ahead and start the FC process.

Some of the things my Dad and Step-Mum have experienced FC.

Many wonderful things but also:

DC being cruel to animals in the home.
DC pissing or shitting in wardrobes or in their school bags.
Primary school aged girls going for contact with the family and coming home with presents or being sent presents that are sexualised clothing. Having to navigate telling the girls that they can't wear the clothes their family gave them.
DC being sent coded messages from family members hidden in toys/clothes.
Having to explain to DC why they can't go home but Mummy has a new baby that is allowed to live with her. Especially because Mummy has a new life with a new man and has told CYPSS that she'll relapse into addiction if the social try and make her take her kids back.
DC who have been horrifically abused, physically and sexually but want nothing more than to go home because they love their parents and think social services are bastards.
Being assaulted, spat on, their furniture, belongings etc being damaged or destroyed.
Harmful sexual behaviours.
False allegations of abuse or neglect.
Family members of DC doing everything they can to have contact with DC even when prohibited.
DC who suffered unimaginable abuse going back to their abusers when they turned 18 and ghosting the FC because FB makes it easy to find them and the families always have a tale of woe about how it was all lies that got them taken into care or that e.g Mum was in an abusive relationship and couldn't stop her BF from raping her DC.

Along with SEN, attachment issues, health issues, school issues and on and on and on.

It's not that what she's written is itself a problem, it's that she's only put that as a reason to foster, so it comes across that she's simply seeing the foster child as a sibling/friend for her child.
She may have thought it through carefully, but if she had then I think the fact her child is sociable and likes to play with others would be fairly low down on her list of comments.

I mean we've thought about fostering. It may be something we do in the future, but although dd1 loves playing with tiny ones, I wouldn't mention that in my top 10 reasons for thinking about fostering.

I wouldn’t foster while I had my own child at home especially one so young. These children are coming from the worst situations imaginable and that’s not something that they can recover from quickly and impacts their emotional needs and development how would you put their needs before the needs of your own child should it be required

Well its all part of the process isn't it? Maybe OP is naive , maybe she'll learn more and decide if it is or isn't for her family. She won't just walk into the role and her motivation will be thoroughly assessed as part of the process and well as her capacity to understand childrens beeds, lived experiences and how she xan build a support network. I think OP is at the beginnings of thinking about this. I am certainly not naive about fostering.

Sorry, my response to to a previous poster.