Thinking about fostering

[luce9]

I am a single parent with one 5yo.early 30s. I'm very interested in fostering, younger children 0-5. No more biological children on the horizon. My DC is very social, loves to play with other children and I feel we could provide a loving home. Any opinions from those with experience with fostering?

A friend of mine took a non British ‘pre-schooler’ in. The child was obviously older than they were told, falsely accused her of hurting them to SS, damaged the house and its contents and threatened her with a knife. She had to demand the child was removed from her care as SS were very reluctant.

I mean your child being sociable isn't really a good enough reason to foster a child.. Having a play date is a bit different to a 5 year old suddenly having to have a new Child in their home and taking up their mums attention, how much have you looked into this and have you really considered the possible impact on your child? It's a lovely thought that you could give a child a home but it's such a huge decision and often is an extremely challenging job to take on, made even more complicated when you already have such a young child.

It is a challenging ,busy and rewarding job . You may decide its not for you after making enquiries and talking it through more as there are difficult things you'll have to navigate, especially around the impact on your own child. But many people thankfully do foster , often for many years and with their own young children. I would phone/email the Local Authority or a local agency and have a chat. You may decide now isn't the right time and come back to the idea later. G

I think it's important to consider that a lot of children in foster care can have complex needs, particularly due to attachment issues. I feel you may be looking at it through the lens that you'll get a child who is the same as your DC. I'm not saying all children in foster care have complex needs but it's definitely something you need to consider.

Fostering is a very skilled job, you’d be given training but even very young children often come with very complex needs that need time, patience and a good knowledge base to build from. I’d start by doing some good reading about developmental trauma and the impact on children. You would need to adjust your parenting style to meet the foster child’s needs while also caring for your daughter. I’d also think about how it will be for you and your daughter when the foster child returns home given the vast majority of children in care are reunited with their family.

Its important work, and you may be perfect for it but there’s much, much more involved than simply giving a child a loving home.

One thing to be mindful of is that it can be very restrictive fostering. You don't have parental rights - parental rights belong to the social services / parents still. This can mean that you are not allowed to take the child on holiday, use babysitters (unless social services DBS check approved people to babysit for you), even take the child for a haircut, etc... it really is a new way of life. I really want to foster, but we are waiting until our DC are teenagers so any constraints from the foster situation do not impact on our own DC and ability to meet their needs. But on the balance, if you have a heart for it and fully understand all that it entails then go for it!! It'll be challenging but rewarding.

Age assessments are carried out on teenagers, not pre schoolers, because they tend to arrive without papers. It's very easy to age a pre school child fairly accurately. If they were older than they appeared it could only have been by a year or 2 so we are talking a 6 year old at the oldest. I don't believe any of this story at all.

Of course foster carers can take children on holiday and for haircuts. That's what delegated authority is for. Be careful about sharing misinformation as it can put people off. Foster carers also have approved people in their network who can babysit. Yes of course they have to be checked by social services but that's not a big deal and to be expected. Fostering isn't the same as adoption.

Fostering is a great thing to do, but very challenging. As a social worker of many years I know it's not something I could do. As your child is only 5 you would indeed be looking to care for younger children. This means you'd be likely to be having children on short term placements while care proceedings are underway. This can be as short as a few months but as long as a couple of years if proceedings are extended for any reason. You'll need to be prepared to take them to a lot of contact sessions and to transition them to their permanent home at the end whether that's a parent, family member, adopter or long term foster carer.

It’s not a story, it happened.

My best friend is a foster carer and was not allowed to take one of their foster because of the needs of the child. The only people who can babysit for them are approved by SS as you say, and for another foster child they had to get express permission re haircuts because the parents would cause drama at contact every time the child's hair was cut. I may not be a foster carer myself, but I know what my friend experienced. It wasn't a lie!

My friends foster. It can be life changing for these kids. Some have terrible trauma and can be difficult but they are desperate for stability.

you get lots of training and hopefully good support. It’s not an easy job so think carefully before you commit.

I don't believe you

So why have you extrapolated two specific situations to all foster children? There are always special circumstances around some children, and exceptions to the rule.

I don’t care.

I'm a foster carer. Mainly respite care but I originally started fostering pregnant teens. Helping them finish school and adjust/cope with becoming a mother. I'm not fostering atm due to health issues of my own. And thankfully we no longer get many pregnant teens now that there's more education and options for young girls.

I originally found my way into fostering when my dd best friend was very suddenly placed in care. We were assessed (dh and I) and it was very thorough obviously. She stayed with us for six years till she left for uni. When she left we decided to help another child. And it's snowballed from there.

It's very full on. Do you drive? I don't think I could have done it without a car. At least 3 days a week travelling to different contact centres (sometimes the centres staff collect and drop off), meetings etc. the children often arrived scared and distressed so it's important to think of the effect this will have on your dc. You don't get much support from social workers for behaviour etc. they are your problem once they arrive. And in the few times I've had to have a child removed for the safety of my family, it's broken me. The poor child.

Plus sides are seeing children flourish once they are settled. Reuniting children with parents once situations are resolved. In some cases the nice relationships you build with these parents. And I'm still in touch with a lot of my now adult foster children. The fun we've had as a family sharing our holidays (yes they can come within reason/permission) and giving children new experiences. My adult dc learnt a lot from these children and appreciated their life.

Financially it is very well paid I feel. But I think of it as a 24/7 job. There's no clocking off. You'll get calls in the early hours to take a child. You have to be very prepared.

My advice would be to look into it very deeply and consider the impact it could have on your child. Do you have the room? You'll need to have a spare bedroom for them. You can't leave them with anyone else unless they have been cleared by a social worker. If you get a new partner they too will need vetting. Think about what age range and whether you'd be better fostering long term or short. Or even just some weekend respite care.

Best of luck

Someone very close to us fosters and has done for many years since their own child was very young. The children they took in had come from very traumatic backgrounds and unfortunately the the arrangement has had an awful impact on their own son, now 11. He is having huge problems at school, night terrors and attachment issues. There were warning signs many years ago he was being badly affected but his mum chose to continue fostering regardless.

Please think very carefully, very carefully about how your own family dynamic would be affected and how your child will handle it. 5 is still so young.

True. OP just asked for experience of fostering and I just shared what my friend said to me when we were interested in fostering. Based on our friends experience we concluded that it'd impact too much on our current DC if we were to go ahead while they were young.

I started fostering at 32 as a single parent to a 8 year old and 2 year old. I’m from a fostering family and so always knew it was something I wanted to do! It is a very challenging job but also extremely rewarding. If you do your research and know what you’re getting into with regards to your life not really being your own anymore and the fact that local authorities aren’t always as helpful as you’d expect them to be you might find that it is something that you enjoy. I have never looked back, I started with a young mother and baby placement and so I had a 15 year old with her 5 month old baby and my own young children and I managed very well and loved it. That young woman is now 22 and still in our lives with 2 of her own children. I am now married and we foster together. I would say you need to be organised, sympathetic and open minded to the children that you will be welcoming into your home. Also the matching process is very important, consider each referral carefully and think about whether you can accommodate things like family times, after school clubs etc. I don’t accept placements that don’t fit in well with us as a family and it seems to work really well. 😌

You sound hugely naive - most foster kids are very troubled, for obvious reasons - this isn't just about a friend for your child!

@luce9

look at the Fostering posts
very informative and eye opening

I will be forever grateful to the FC who gave my DC a period of stability before we adopted them.
FC is a skilled job.
Check out the Fostering board for first hand up to date info.

I would wait until your child is at least 16.

My advice is to leave it until your child is older.
I've been fostering for a long time and would always recommend waiting, if you have young children.

You can’t just rent a sibling for your child because they’re sociable ffs