To feel this way about family and class

[Conflictedcara]

I don’t know if what I am feeling is very unusual or not and am wondering if anyone else feels this conflict.

I was raised in a working class (albeit owned home) environment. Parents separated and money was tight etc.
Growing up DM always placed an emphasis on not being in her words ‘common’. Not in a hyacinth bouquet way and her own mother had done the same.

I went to Uni, moved out of the area and have settled not too far away from home.

My DM has now gone the other way, embracing those things she would have turned away from - singing in pubs, tribute acts in the legion etc and I find I just really can’t embrace this and I’m feeling very conflicted and caught between the life I am living now and the life my family are living.

Values etc haven’t changed but there is that feeling and conflict that I might be ‘above myself’ or a bit of a boring snob when I feel it’s more that I’ve just changed and that so long in different environments mean I just can’t and don’t enjoy some of the things my family do.

We all get on perfectly well and are close but I feel like I am almost caught between 2 lives

I'm not British born and it always baffles me, why people think they are not allowed to do certain things because of their class. Going to uni and mum singing in a pub is somehow mutually exclusive? Explain it to me like i'm 5

I've just been on a luxury holiday in a 5 star resort served outstanding food and champagne for a week, every single second was pure luxury. 2 weeks ago I was watching a tribute act at the legion. Why do I have to pick 1 or the other? Why do I have to say I'm not longer doing one. Unclench a little and you might find it easier not to judge.

I don’t really get it either, and I’m from the U.K.. Went to a fairly posh university, private school. I like singing in the pub and don’t mind a decent tribute act.

I remember singing in the pub at uni. Is that shocking? 🤣

Bang on. Just live your life OP :)

I went to my Aunt's funeral at a working men's club with egg sandwiches and fruit cake, caught the train back to London and had dinner at the St Pancras hotel. It was a surreal and fabulous day and I considered myself extremely lucky to have a foot in both camps.

Just be your authentic self. Remember who you are. Don't look down on people because you've moved class. There's nothing worse than a working class lass done good, forgetting where's she come from. Celebrate it, because it's worth celebrating.

I remember a brilliant little nugget from Steve Coogan talking about Caroline Aherne who said her background gave her a little super power that people born to more privilege just did not have. Just remember that.

Never be ashamed of family. (Unless they've done something criminal.)

Life's short. It's later than you think. Get down that pub and belt out a number 😀

It’s not that I have to choose - I suppose it’s that I don’t enjoy the legion or tribute act nights and I kind of feel disloyal for feeling this. Like im almost betraying my roots or family. When in reality I just don’t think it’s ever been my bag if you know what I mean.

I guess I feel a bit of a fraud for being me

You don't enjoy the same things your family does? So, don't do them. You are allowed to have preferences.
The British obsession with class is insane and a cause of so much unnecessary anxiety. In reality, things are quite simple. Some people like tribute acts, others don't. And those who don't shouldn't be pressured to see one.

I get you op. I was born middle class into a very working class family. Luckily there is always humour to rely on. My mum always said I was Saffy to her Edina which made me bristle. But the funny thing was there was always a nugget of truth. Mum's not around anymore and I can laugh at the absurdity a little bit freer and I look back at my rather upright self with empathy and slight embarrassment. Not saying you are in anyway like me. But people change, all of us, you included and you may have a different perspective on this in a few years time. Or not who knows. But your mum has changed. She sounds like she's enjoying life! Try not to overthink this. However, I do get the pain of not being aligned with one's own family, bit like being a black sheep somehow.

Honestly, the Uk class thing is wild. People don’t fit neatly in boxes. And, That’s ok, I’m sure your family love you for being yourself.

Class for some English people is like belonging in a club or tribe. Obviously some other people are happy to change between clubs each with their own dress codes, accents, activities etc. Other less confident or perhaps more rules based types find that kind of social moving hard (me). Or there may be other reasons why that is hard. Among the working class for example there is a technique called bringing someone down to earth. It's usually anodyne, involving light jabs about how you've changed/ pointing out airs/graces etc but could be more confrontational. One of the biggest dividers between me and literally my whole family is my uni education and it is a barrier between us sadly.

This is so sweet and so sad. I think the class thing is a red herring. You’re just being you, and you’re allowed to have your own preferences. We don’t all like the same things. Or maybe, like your mum, you’ll like them in future, but not now.

Please don’t feel a fraud. Feel you.

Yes, me too.

OP, you're overthinking this.

I don’t think the OP thinks they’re mutually exclusive, it’s just that she was brought up by a mother with a horror of ‘looking common’, absorbed that script, and while her mother has now embraced activities she previously dubbed ‘common’, the OP doesn’t like them. Fuck that, OP — I grew up dirt poor but I’d choose opera any day over tribute acts down the Legion. If that means someone else gets their class knickers in a twist, let them.

Agree, the OP is confused that everything she was taught to avoid by her mother, her mother now embraces.

The things themselves aren't mutually exclusive, I love Tolstoy and Jilly Cooper, Greek tragedies and Married at First Sight, a 5 day test match and informing the referee at a non league football match of my opinions in agricultural language.

For the OP it's the switch in behaviour that is boggling her mind, I'd feel the same.

You sound quite snobby tbh sorry OP. I'm (lower) middle class but definitely wouldn't turn my nose up at singing in a pub!
Also my grandma was born very working class and "moved up" when she married my middle class granddad, she was very snobby at times too, people who are comfortable with their class or not that bothered don't tend to be snobby.....

💯

YANBU, you don’t have to like that shit just because your mum has decided she does.

It’s ok not to enjoy the same stuff. You aren’t being a class traitor or up yourself or letting anyone down.

Princess Margret and her cousin liked a sing song in pubs.
I'm first generation immigrant on paternal side and second on the maternal side. So it wasn't class that dictated behaviour standards. However last year I got closer to 60 and I'm embracing tribute acts. It can be an age thing. I still enjoy theatre and via my GC singing in the Church/Cathedral choir, I've really got into choirs. But I'll be 🎶 "what's-new pussycat" 🎶 at a local theatre come next week. It's a shame that you are narrowing yourself.

I agree with this.

I have been in situations where I feel uncomfortable. E.g a hen night in a nightclub where there were lots of stag and hen parties being loud and drunk. I felt completely uneasy and couldn't wait for the night to end. I've also been to a hen party which was on a boat and limited to one drink per person for the entire night and felt bored and couldn't wait for the night to end either.

We like different things at different times of our lives. It doesn't make us a better or less than person.

if I could tell my DC one thing, it would be to be true to themselves. If they don't like something just say it and by being themselves Ialthough still polite), people will either like them for being who they really are and they won't be surrounded by people who think they must behave in a certain way.

This isn't about tribute acts and loud sing songs in a pub which are most definitely not everyone's cup of tea. Its about accepting and it being ok not to like certain things. Limit those things so you don't feel uncomfortable trying to be someone you are not. But also accept other people like different things too and its ok for you both to do your own thing.

I think you have taken the OP's post too literally. She was using the tribute act as an example of feeling out of place.

I always say my DH and his brother are like Niles and Frasier Crane in his family. They grew up in a fairly rough part of Chatham with WC/MC parents. Mil was a nurse and FIL worked in the steel yard but then ended up working in computers.
Through the power of genetics, a determined effort by parents for their kids to “do well” and a grammar school education my BIL ended up in a top city job and my DH also in banking via Sandhurst. His BIL in particular is SO much posher but even as kids my DH tells me BIL would turn his nose up at Findus Crispy Pancakes and the like, and both of them were noticeably “different” to their upbringing. DH said he always felt totally out of place in the pubs of Chatham and I have never, in the 25 years I’ve known him, seen him wear leisure wear outside of the gym.
Im semi tongue in cheek about this but when he goes back there he says he can hardly believe that this is where he is from.

OP, I think you need to stop worrying. I come from a similar sort of background, maybe slightly more extreme.

My f belonged to the Legion, I wouldn't be seen dead there. My dm was like yours but in later years became an avid East Enders and Coronation Street fan. Not my thing at all.

The whole point about growing up is that you choose your own path. You develop your own tastes and choose your friends. Most children find their parents embarrassing in one way or another. All of that is normal. It isn't disloyal, it is just accepting that you are different people.

It also makes life much more interesting. Can you imagine how dull life would be if we all went to the same pub and ate the same food and enjoyed the same music and dressed in the same way.

It's ok to be different.
If we were all the same life would be boring.

You don't have to like it, but it's not wrong. Let them do them and you do you.

DH Lawrence came to mind actually, if you’ve ever read much of his. He was raised working class, went to grammar school and university (at a time not many did, of course) and spent his life feeling he didn’t fit in properly in either world.