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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want our friends to come on holiday with us?

22 replies

cornetjo · 15/04/2008 10:35

My husband met an old (not that close) school friend on Friends Reunited a few years ago. We have met up with him and his wife a few times. However, dh has now invited them to come on our annual 2 week holiday to Beligum (us caravan, them tent). Originally he said they would stay with us for a few days then go off and stay somewhere else, before meeting up to come back. However, now they have decided they want to stay with us for the whole 2 weeks, and have even phoned the camp site to make sure we are pitched next to each other!!

We have two dds, aged 6 and 2, they have no children. We enjoy parks, beach and cycling, they dont. So I cant really see why they want to come with us. I dont really fancy having to spend 2 weeks with them, as she is really over powering, and I know I will feel subserviant for the who time, with us doing what they want to do all the time.

I have said to dh I am not happy, I feel sick thinking about it really, and dont want to go now. My husband wont say anything to them, just saying "you'll enjoy it when we are there".

I dont know what to do really.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 15/04/2008 10:43

Oh, God, poor you. We'd never in a million years go on holiday with anyone else.

Sounds like you'll have to invent some catastrophe to get out of it and sort something out for just your family.

Am at your dh for inviting them without consulting you. In fact I'd be f furious in your position.

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:43

It can turn out alright but you must make sure you set the "groundrules" before you go...

Everyone caters for themselves. If you eat together, you cook together. Or you take strict turns. And washing up is a rota which you stick to!!! That way you don't become the skivvy.

Agree beforehand NOT* to do everything together everyday. This is important even if you are best friends. In fact agree to make sure you spend some time separately.

Make sure your DH understands and agrees to back you up, and put you first on this holiday. Is he likely to leave you with the kids and just hang out with them?

*Agree beforehand with your husband on a phrase or something which you can share with him if things get too much and you need out for a while. This may sound a bit childish but it has worked for me in the past.

How do they get on with your DC and the DC with them?

Identify clearly in your mind what it is about the holiday that scares you most. Be quite specific in your mind and discuss this with your DH and ask his help and support in this. These are his friends so he should be reminded to put you first.

iloatheironing · 15/04/2008 10:49

You have my sympathy. My dh is ALWAYS doing this with various friends or family. He always wants to invite others along on our annual holidays or days out. It is usually his mother!! Not too bad cause she is happy to babysit, help cook etc.
He once invited a friend and his wife and 2 dcs to come camping with us. We had neighbouring pitches the works. But other family did absolutely nothing so I spent two weeks cooking meals for nine on a two ring camping stove!!! They didn't bring one as dh had said they could use ours to save space! I had to keep asking them for help with washing up etc. It was a horrible holiday and we haven't been camping since.

hana · 15/04/2008 10:52

we have a fab time when we go away with friends and their children! in fact, going to france with 2 sets of friends - we'll have a great time.

altho this sounds a different situation

DoodleToYou · 15/04/2008 10:53

Message withdrawn

catchingzeds · 15/04/2008 10:56

Maybe they are swingers

Original poster

cornetjo · 15/04/2008 11:00

I cant see them going off on their own as they have never camped before, and have never been abroad before, so they said they said it was wonderful that they could come with us as they dont have to do things alone.

Thanks for the advice of having a "safe phrase" for dh to get out of difficult situations. We will try that.

I have 4 months to get used to the situation.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 15/04/2008 11:01

i think its good to go with friends BUT you have to say that they are not expected to go everywhere with you,they can do their thing and your family do what they want.sometimes you may actually want to do the same but you will all need your own times away with your own families,we used to meet up for the evening meal after we had gone our separate ways in the daytime.It can work out very well.

mumblechum · 15/04/2008 11:02

Have to say that the two week hols are the one time in the year when we really look forward to not seeing anyone, it's bliss not having to make small talk with other people, so we always hire a villa as far away from other people as possible.

But we're weird.

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 11:04

I would get loads of brochures and so on about "things-to-do" for childless couples. Surely you know the area a bit? Then just have them lying around in the caravan for them to discover...and then really encourage them to go and explore... Be prepared to give them the boot to go and try stuff out.

Suggest they go camping somewhere local in the mean time for a try out. They might hate it and decide not to come .

ajandjjmum · 15/04/2008 11:06

We do sometimes find that it is the friends we are closest to at home that we don't enjoy holidaying with so much, whereas we did have a great holiday with a family who aren't particularly close.

Your dh is very naughty though - and owes you a nice romantic weekend away to recover!

branflake81 · 15/04/2008 11:17

What, they're scared of going abroad alone? To Belgium?!

scaryteacher · 15/04/2008 12:31

Belgium is a very scary place - full of unknown beers and sinister chocolate shops that lure the unwary in, then lighten their bank accounts considerably! They don't understand vegetables in restaurants and serve frites with everything....and I love living here!

themoon66 · 15/04/2008 12:34

Think of them more as unpaid babysitters. You and DH can go out in the evenings for lovely meals together, child free

Bumdiddley · 15/04/2008 13:14

frites and mayonnaise (slurp)

belgo · 15/04/2008 13:15

If they've never been camping before I would be very worried that they will hate it, take over your caravan, and you'll get to sleep in the tent!

Holidays with friends is always a bad idea. Especially for two weeks.

Whereabouts in Belgium?

potoftea · 15/04/2008 14:25

Sounds like the holiday from hell to me. Even being with immediate family for two weeks non-stop gets to me .

Could you talk to the other wife and explain how apprehensive you feel, especially as you have children and they don't. Maybe you could mention how they might find the children quiet lively or loud

For most of us the 2 weeks holiday in the summer is a big deal, and it sounds like it will be for this couple too, so talk beforehand, and don't be afraid of saying how you feel.

Well done on not killing your dh when he told you he'd invited them; I wouldn't have been so restrained!

minouminou · 16/04/2008 12:09

not to mention the horror of pipe-smoking contests............

TheHedgeWitch · 16/04/2008 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 16/04/2008 14:23

I would make lots of comments like
"well, the kids want to do..., so we are going to do that...What are your plans..?"

DEF get to know them a bit better beforehand though. It may be fantastic

Good Luck
!

Kitti · 16/04/2008 19:53

what an awful situation - I really feel for you here. I went on holiday with a friend and her daughter and my 3 kids and we agreed what we would do and it sounded fantastic - when we got to the chalet she was a complete monster and didn't want to do anything at all. All the kids fell out and were bored and I ended up taking my 3 off out for the entire day to kepp out of the way which wasn't what I had wanted - I wanted the kids to play together whilst me and my friend sat around gossiping etc. We're still friends but I didn't think we would be by the end!! For you though it's even worse as there are no kids on their side. Of course holidays are always centred around the children and keeping them busy and entertained. If I were you I would spend the next 4 months getting ready to be incredibly aggressive on this holiday and making sure that you stand firm. If they want to spend time with you then they have to go along with what you and the kids want to do and that they shouldn't be expecting you to leave the kids alone at night so they can go out for drinks with you - whatever other expectations they might have being totally unrealistic - not being parents they won't appreciate any of the difficulties parents face when on holidays with kids - like kids getting tired easily etc. Also tell your dh in no uncertain terms he can forget dumping friend's wife on you and going out or even going out with them himself and leaving you alone. I think he has been a complete idiot to arrange this without talking to you first.

Quattrocento · 16/04/2008 19:59

I used to be of the school of thought that banned friends or relatives from staying with us on holiday. I was extremely zealous and rigid about enforcing my own rule.

Until DH made me change my mind and we shared a massive villa with some friends (of his from university) who had four children.

I was (like you) dreading it. But it was absolutely fabulous and simply the best holiday ever. The children played together - the families cooked for one another occasionally, converged occasionally, diverged occasionally, friends popped in ... was fabulous

So now everyone is welcome on our holidays and I think it is much more fun

So I am saying don't worry and go with the flow - it might totally change your way of thinking.

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