To think it doesn't matter if I'm alive or dead?

[obviousnamechangeforthispost]

Just want to preface this- I'm not suicidal at all, so please don't worry.

I've been taking stock of things over the last few weeks after my much-loved stepmum and mum to my younger brothers and sisters died. The grief and love for her is huge and means so much to everyone in my family.

It has made me think about my own life, selfishly.

I'm in my early 40s now, can't have kids and my husband doesn't want them anyway.
I do well in my job but I'm aware it's just a job and I'd be replaced in minutes.
My friendship circle is small, and each of them have rich and fulfilling relationships and friends they do other things with.
Husband is not very involved. We've become a bit like housemates over the years and he's quite content with the dog and his books and games, especially if I'm not home for any reason.
My family tolerate me. I don't think they would chose to have me around if we were not related though.

I've been feeling like I don't know what the point is. Is this what the next 40 years will be like? I wouldn't be missed if I were not here, so what's the point?

My deepest condolences for the loss of your step-mother. It must be a difficult time for you.

I don't know you, but I think you are important.

You are a spouse. You are a friend. You are a family member. You are you.
You would be missed.

What are your interests? What do you like to do?

Here's what I did after a particularly gruelling MC. Start with the GP for some grief counselling, possibly meds if therapy doesn't work. Would trying a new exercise (for mh wellbeing purpose) and a new hobby be an option? If finances allow a spa session cycle (I know, MN cliche, but it helps) and a wardrobe revamp to boost your self confidence. Go through your house ruthlessly chucking, cleaning and then redecorating. Suggest couples therapy. If it works, great, if not, get rid of the excess baggage. Revamp your CV and send it to recruiters, you never know what may crop up. If finances allow, would a retraining course be an option? Book a holiday with a friend.

You are important. We never really know the impact we have on others or the sliding doors moments in their lives. You have time to find something that brings you a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

Simply by posting this you may have already helped others who read but don’t respond and now feel less alone OP.

Your worth is not defined by what others may or may not think about you. I don't care if people are not upset when I die. In fact, I actively don't want anyone to be upset because grief is not a walk in a park.
What I do care about is living my life. Now, today. Living it with joy and with gusto. That is the point. I owe it to myself to make the most of every day. What everyone else thinks after I die... not really something I am going to care after the lights are off.

Most of us will never know what we mean to the people around us or even strangers we interact with. I’m pretty sure that people would miss you if you weren’t here. But what about you? What would you miss? If the answer is nothing then how about looking for more fulfilment in your life for you? Do more of what you love and if you don’t know what you love then try more new things.

Suggest couples therapy. If it works, great, if not, get rid of the excess baggage

Are you suggesting the op's husband is excess baggage?

I think you have value. As other posters have said, just by being brave enough to write down these difficult feelings, you will have affected positively others who are struggling. That they don't feel alone.

You have friends who value you. They may view you as the strong, calm one, who has coped with many bereavements and always puts others first. They may not fuss around you as they think you don't need it, or don't want to add to your troubles!

In regards to your relationship, how does your partner view things? Has it run it's course or do you just need some time to be with one another when you årent supporting each other? I suspect the bereavements have been hard on both of you.

What are your interests and passions? Travel? Bungee jumping? Sitting and looking at the sea? Stroking donkeys (myself would be thrilled with a day that involved the last two)

Is there anything you want to do? Maybe try an art or creative writing class? You have a natural talent to articulate really difficult emotions, and that in itself is a rare gift indeed. Volunteer work as well, some local country parks may need volunteers to maintain paths, sanctuaries to clean animal pens, mental health groups to support a few hours a week.

It sounds that at the minute things feel "stuck" often this is a sign that something needs to change.

I'm not suggesting you become a bungee jumping direct ranger (unless that appeals) but look at something that interests you, try it and it will either bring you joy, or give you a clearer idea of what else might.

Thank you for your post, and look after yourself (and some donkeys, if you so wish) xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your stepmum. You clearly loved her a great deal and her death has left a big hole in your life and that of your wider family. Don't underestimate how much this will affect you now & for a long time. Be kind to yourself in these months & years of adjustment.

I am 60 with no children and my last parent died when I was 45. My siblings are distant, being a lot older than me, and never contact me first. If I didn't make the effort I doubt they'd notice a year go by without seeing me.

All of the above is to say to you that I understand. I really do. And I've often thought exactly as you do now. But please remember, your grief is new and it's very destabilising. You maybe feel you have to be the adult now that the older generation is gone and, even in our 40s, that feels daunting just because it's a new, unwanted situation.

This is going to sound like such a cliche but please file it in the back of your mind for when you feel a bit better (which you will, in time) - could you try some volunteering? You'll realise how much people need you & want you around.

Just as an aside, I also contacted more distant family - cousins & second cousins - and feel much more wanted and loved by them than by my much colder siblings. There are so many people out here who want you & will value you, but you need to take those first steps and make contact with them. You can do it.

The universe would miss you, I promise. Everything is necessary.

I think these thoughts are part of your grief. I felt this keenly having lost my Dad.

My parents had a long marriage and he had siblings and friends. It does make you think an who will be with you at the end and who will miss you. I'm a single parent and don't have a partner like my Mum who doted on Dad.

In some ways it is probably healthy. It could be a wake up call to live more for you and make deeper connections. It's a questioning and that's a natural process.

Might help to talk to someone about it?

I actually feel the same as the OP.
I have few friends. My two DC have their own homes and lives. They don't need me any more and I don't see them often. I am widowed.

I am too disabled/old to work and cannot do the things I used to which gave me joy. I am not suicidal but don't see the point of me being here. Except to look after my cat. She would possibly miss me.

I'm so sorry for your loss, that is very hard and not surprising you feel reflective and also very sad.

Like others on this thread, I want to say to you that you will touch so many lives often without knowing it. You very much matter.

I get what you mean about work colleagues and being replaceable. But I can also tell you, that in my previous place of work I was there 10 years, in that time we lost several colleagues. The staff pushed management to make a small wildlife garden to remember them. Although they are gone from our world, there were often people having a moment's reflection and remembrance there.

I wish you happiness and peace and that you kindle an inner fire to seize all moments of joy X

Well you could say that for most of us.

I think you have to matter to yourself. This is it. This is your life, to do with what you want.

None of us know how many days we have. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them. Make yourself happy with small things - a walk in the sun, a good piece of cake, a good book or purchase.

I feel the same way. I don't have a partner though. Literally feel like the only living beings who would miss me are my dogs and my mother.
Once my folks go I won't have anyone. I have a few friends but none who wouldn't get by without me. Or who would miss me particularly.

I can't have kids either. To be honest if I could simply erase myself and have never existed I would.

Loads of brilliant thoughtful posts above.

@obviousnamechangeforthispost I really relate, having felt very much as you describe after a very traumatic bereavement 3 years ago. So sorry about your stepmum.

Just two things. We none of us can know how important we are to others. Just because they don’t demonstrate it, doesn’t mean you’re not important. Humans are an incredibly social species, the loss of a person sends out ripples. I think that with family, as you get older it’s easy to feel you are just part of the landscape. But how would those people get on if they had no landscape?

The other thing. Does there have to be a point? Could it be enough, some of the time, just to be?

If he behaves as described in OP and doesn't engage in couples therapy, to the detriment of OP, then he is excess baggage.

I'm sorry you feel that way

I know several people who don't have a partner or children. They have happy and fulfilling lives, perhaps partly because they have more time to invest in friendships. I hope things look up for you

Firstly I'm sure your husband and family would grieve a lot of you died.

However that is not actually the important thing. We all die and are forgotten soon enough. The question is, how did we experience and value the life we lived? It has to come from yourself, not other people - if you only exist through the eyes of others you are not enjoying the best part of life.

Are you OK, OP?

What you say is so true.
You are never as important to others as you are to yourself, and to your mother.

So please yourself for the next twenty years.
Plan adventures, journeys, meals, pets, companians, hobbies just to suit yourself.
Work for yourself, spend on yourself and also tell your stories to those around you because they will be uplifted by an adventurous person's tales when they are stuck in the drudgery of commitment to others.

You say you wouldn’t be missed, but do we exist for other people to miss us? My partner died 7 years ago. I no longer actively miss him every day, but think of him and learnt a lot from him. My sister died 13 years ago and I feel the same-i think of her, but my regret is that she missed out on a lot of living, rather than thinking of my loss. Maybe focus on how you can enjoy your life? What would you really like to do? Could you build more nurturing friendships? Your worth is not dependent on your importance to other people.

You're ignoring yourself in all this.

My DP and DD are away for two weeks at the moment, so I'm living a very solitary life. Working from home, friends all seem to be on holiday so I'm not really socialising. Right now I am an island. My net contribution to the universe yesterday was that Domino's became £15 richer, and the cat got fed.

But the sun is out, and I'll go for a long walk later. I finished one of the best books I've ever read yesterday. I plan on spending the weekend walking around a city I've never been to before (providing the riots don't kick back off).

None of these things will impact the world in any way. My family, friends, etc, will experience nothing beneficial from my existence over the next few days. The cat will be fed, but the cat won't attribute that to my continued existence because the cat is a little shithead who doesn't appreciate what he's got. But these activities will bring me joy. They make me feel happy, contented. I enjoy my own company.

I don't exist for the continued benefit of other people. I exist for the continued benefit of me. I didn't ask to be born, I won't ask to die, but these things have and will happen anyway and I'll enjoy the bit in between to the best of my ability.

I feel exactly the same and have for years. My mum died last November and I'm looking forward to hopefully joining her. I do have spiritual faith but I still feel a deep sense of purposeless.