AIBU For Not Wanting Parents In Law To Babysit

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My parents in law argue with each other A LOT and I don’t mean little disagreements, I mean aggressive screaming/shouting. My partner has told me growing up his parents used to argue like it often and would even get in physical fights and that he would be terrified as a young child and hide/runaway. I was living with them for a while before we had LO and we would used to have to leave the house a lot as they were arguing (I’m not sure if they still get physical or not, but loud shouting nonetheless). My father in law has also started an argument with my partner in front of LO which I after told them I won’t be tolerating shouting infront of him. His mum just brushed it off like it was nothing and told me “this is just the way we are”. I’m going back to work only 2 days a week when LO turns 1, my mum doesn’t work weekdays and I’m already anxious about leaving my son all day but have asked her to have him both days as I’ll feel the most comfortable with my own mum having him (I trust her more and LO knows her more than my parents in law). Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my parents in law to babysit him or be alone with him, my reasoning is if they can argue and let it get physical in front of their own son growing up, what’s to stop them from doing it in front of their grandson? Another reason is, we’ve had disagreements in the past with them about MIL trying to take control of LO when he was younger and showing up unannounced. When I set boundaries with her I saw a completely different side to her which resulted in them threatening to kick us and their grandson out (we live in different areas but rent our house from them) for them later to say they said it upset/worry my partner. I told my partner how uncomfortable and worried it made me, especially postpartum and he played it off as he’s so used to their behaviour saying that’s mild compared to what they’re usually like when arguing. Because of this, we don’t see them as often and my relationship with them is civil but not great. I’m worried my partner will take offence to me not wanting them alone with LO. Any advice will be appreciated!

Does your dm want your dc two days a week?

No, don’t let your dc be subject to abuse, which this would be. Your dp needs to understand that he had an abusive childhood and if he does take offence then he’s not much of a father is he?
Eventually you need to get accommodation over which your in-laws have no control but if you’re paying rent they can’t kick you out over an argument.

Yes my mum would love to have him both days.

We pay the rent and are waiting to hopefully soon move out. When briefly mentioned in conversation before that I wouldn’t feel comfortable them babysitting LO, my partner got offended saying how it’s not fair for his parents if I won’t let them babysit. He down plays the situation with them a lot as he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings and doesn’t like me bringing up his childhood saying it’s nothing to do with me, which I feel like it is to do with me as they want to babysit. He doesn’t seem to understand the risk having them babysit and what environment we could potentially be exposing LO to, even though he’s lived through it himself, he just seems more concerned about their feelings

YANBU. All that screaming and aggression is abuse. It's totally unacceptable and no, never in a million years would I leave a child in that situation.

My df was like that, and as a result, I have chosen to remain single. I don't trust men and I will never allow one to live in my house. Childhood abuse has a very long reach.

Your first priority is to protect your child. Something so fundamental is not negotiable. I'd walk away from your man before I allowed my child to be subjected to such a frightening environment.

YANBU. However, it's difficult for someone like your DH to overcome that trauma and admit his parents are not fit to care for your baby. So you need to stand your ground.

My parents let my mum's parents take care of me sometimes, knowing how volatile my grandfather was. I remember him shouting at my grandma and hitting her in a drunken state like it was yesterday. I remember sitting on the stairs outside the house crying in fear, I was 6! My mum had convinced herself that my granpa wouldn't act that way in front of his granddaughter. She was wrong. My poor grandmother was so desperate to spend time with me she convinced me not to tell anyone. Poor woman.

It's not about fairness.
It's not about MIL.
It's about who is the best caregiver for your baby.

No I think you need to stand your ground remind him of how he felt scared as a child and ask him why would he want his dc in thst position.

I think you mean ‘regular childcare’ rather than babysitting.

Put simply they are abusers. Sounds like he has grown up being used to pacifying them as a strategy to avoid another outburst. Imagine that sort of pressure on you as a child always being afraid of your parents shouting? He must be a wreck on the inside. You really need to move asap. They are using the fact it's their house to control him and you. It's abuse.

YANBU.

Answer to partner is "I won't have my child exposed to adults who shout and argue and left in a volatile environment".

I wouldn't mention any other drama or the controlling MIL. It's just a no. Ignore complaints, sulking etc and move on. Protect your child and move out from the ILs property as top priority,

Every time he says it’s not fair, remind him how he felt when they had screaming rows and how abusive that was. Why the hell does he want that for his child?! Unbelievable!

i would absolutely not put my child in that sort of situation. This is not a question of in laws versus parents, it’s a question over your child’s safety.