To always upset myself?

[HoneyPie12]

OK this sounds weird even typing it but I just have to know if other people do this or if I am a totally unreasonable weirdo.
I am a very highly anxious person but my anxiety is internalised. It means to the outside world I seem absolutely fine but inside my brain is screaming about most situations IFSWIM.
Now, the unreasonable/reasonable part is this:
I have a lovely happy life. I've been with my husband for over a decade and genuinely am so in love with him and my kids. But every time something good/lovely/nice happens I will lie awake at night and upset myself into crying by thinking things like, imagine if he dies. Imagine what it's going to be like planning his funeral. Imagine life without him and never seeing him again. WHY?! WHY DO I DO THIS?
We are going on a gorgeous family holiday soon and I'm so excited about it. Tonight I've cried on my own because everything is going too well. Everything feels too lovely and that means something awful must be coming. WHY?! WHY DO I RUIN IT FOR MYSELF!!

I must say I don't vocalise these a lot, my poor family would be demented and depressed if I did. I tend to do it on my own while driving or lying in bed and catastrophise everything in my own head untill I am absolutely wretched and upset.

I guess my poll is:
You are being unreasonable: Your life is lovely and you know it, your brain is messed up.

You AREN'T being unreasonable, others do it too!

I do this too. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It gets better at times then comes back at others. It’s horrible. Not related to the reality of how things really are, it’s purely an inbuilt anxiety.

i think everyone has moments of catastrophising (sorry I just cannot figure out how to spell that word correctly), especially when things are seemingly going perfectly as we’re all aware that nothing stays perfect forever. So in that I would say you are not alone. I would say though the frequency that you seem to be upsetting yourself about these things that haven’t happened and the fact you are regularly making yourself cry about it is less normal. Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety? Hoping you will be able to get past this soon xx

I haven't really talked to a professional about it, but only because it only really affects me and I tend to know how to deal with it - I accept that this is part of who I am. Generally I'm a happy bubbly person but it's like an undercurrent if that makes sense, it's always there internally ruining nice experiences quietly and effectively! It's like my brain runs in parallel- one side of the tracks is so happy and having a lovely time and the other is like "imagine the worst thing you could think of and go into great detail". A lot centres on my husband and kids too, it's like I love them too much to enjoy it! Xx

hi, if it became excessive and unbearable please seek free NHS talking therapies

I think you’d benefit from professional therapy. Something like CBT could help with this.

Yes the undercurrent makes sense to me. Have you had these thoughts your whole life or just since you met DH/ had children?

If you could look at speaking to someone I personally would do it, as imagine how much better things would be for you if you weren’t so worried about this stuff.

I had therapy for a few years and honestly it changed my life so much (for the better!)

Yeah used to do this.
But imagining if you could cope if the worst happened is not the way. Multifarious ways -anything can go wrong
You can only cope with sitauation as it presents to you
And all the few choices /answers will be there if it does
Because you will only have a few choices then
Instead of millions. You are sensible and will know what to do
Sleep well I hope.

That sounds like 'pure O' which is a type of OCD where you primarily suffer from intrusive thoughts. OCD is an anxiety disorder. Could be worth a google.

Totally normal, me and my best mate both do this, we both have adult diagnoses of ADHD

It’s a common thing to do, imagining the worst case scenario etc. I’m a bit like that in that my life has been very easy so far and so it feels like all my disasters are looming, they’re all saved up for the future, it’s just a case of when.
It’s a coping mechanism though. Our brains like having plans in place. ‘What if my husband dies?’ - we imagine in, we play it out in our heads, so that if that does happen we ‘know’ what to do and have a plan of action. You’re just imagining it so intensely and dramatically that it seems to be affecting your real life though! Just know that you’re not bonkers. It’s an anxiety thing and loads of people do the same.

Hmm ok well maybe disregard my previous post saying it’s ‘normal’, but know that lots of others do do the same OP. Was just talking with a couple of friends the other day about it and we all did the same. I did have Pure O in the past so maybe I’m not coming from a neutral position 😄 but I definitely do think it’s not an unusual thought process and you’re not alone.
When I was pregnant with my eldest I lay awake at night crying that maybe I was a paedophile and what if I abused my baby 🙃🙃🙃 doesn’t make me one though.

Maybe you think you don’t deserve the good things?
Maybe it’s a self esteem issue?

Hey - I do this from time to time - to me it sounds a little like ocd?
ocd is sometimes thought of as obsession with coming but it’s much more complex and broad.
although you’ve prob got great coping/living with it skills, I’d say there could be more help out there
i feel like some of the first step nhs treatments aren’t great for everyone but sometimes get you onto the next step!
or this charity looks useful and this sounds a bit like what you’re describing
https://www.ocduk.org/ocd/obsessions/

I get this to some extent but put it down to the fact that I had a mainly happy childhood but punctuated with extreme sudden trauma, so wondered if that was why. Also think I have symptoms of Pure O and ADHD.
Good to know it's not just me!

I do this and my advice I use on myself is going to sound harsh!

I tell myself to stop being so self-centred, be grateful for how lucky I am and tell myself in a stern voice to stop. I know so many people with such hard lives and I tell myself I’m making it about me and not enjoying the present.

Not saying that will work for everyone but it works for me.

Yes I completely relate to this. Even in happy moments I will feel the need to cry because all I can think is this is going to end/this will never happen again/I’ll never cope if this person dies.

I suffer a lot when something bad happens to someone else too (job loss, grief, divorce, any bad luck). I feel like a bad friend sometimes because I worry it looks like I’m trying to make everything about me. I feel like I can’t cope with the thought of others being upset or down - my partner having a bad day at work can bring me to tears (without him seeing) because I just feel so bad people have been rude to him or things haven’t worked out!!

I used to regularly torture myself by watching sad or emotional videos on TikTok, or listening to sad music and thinking of sad things. I have mostly broken this habit but I haven’t cracked breaking the cycle of thinking like this yet.

Hello everyone
Thanks so much for your kind comments and advice - I really did think it was only me like this. I feel like an ungrateful knob when I'm like this but that's not really it, it's like I'm TOO grateful for my life and my husband and my children, like I don't deserve them.
I had a very traumatic childhood with a lot of anger and parental violence in the home. My mum was what was described back then as a manic depressive and my dad was a violent unpredictability angry perscription drug addict with a terrible temper. I'm the oldest and although I'm very successful I would say outwardly, I am a people pleasing ball of anxiety on the inside and I can't help but think I consistently do this because I know what my life was and what it could be. Nothing like inward reflecting! @loropianalover I relate to everything you said, its almost identical. I feel everyone's pain almost like its mine, every situation where someone is upset upsets me, I cry for other people and almost take it all on when there is absolutely no need. I think maybe therapy is the way to go for me xx

I’m sorry to hear about your childhood and I hope I didn’t sound unkind. I was sharing what works for me. I get very anxious and obsessive over things and so I have to grab control before I spiral. Good luck with it all x

Oh you didn't at all - I'm going to try everything listed xx

DD is the love of my life and whenever she is away I catastrophise that she is going to die or that any minute something awful could happen to her. And yet my life overall is really good. Just horrible internal thoughts that we can’t turn off.
Perhaps some of it is a control thing too. Yanbu op. I think lots of us have a dark voice in our head that we can’t always switch off.