To wonder if other 36 year olds have their shit together?

[peterpaneffect]

On the outside, it could appear that I have it figured out.
I live with my fiancé in our house we bought 3 years ago, lovely area in the suburbs, 2 kids, wedding planned for next year, about to have a family holiday, he has a good job, i run a small business.

When in fact I feel a complete mess!

I am gaining weight and really struggling with self esteem. I hate my business it bores me senseless and only really makes the bare minimum we need. I am terrible with money, i spend it on clothes & eating out, no savings.

I just feel like a failure, approaching 40, still haven't figured out a solid career, losing myself appearance wise, struggling with mh.

Anyone else?

News flash. No one has their shit together. It’s just that some people are better at hiding it than others, or we only focus on some parts of other peoples lives, and assume they have all their shit together - when in reality, they are very good at shoving their untidy shit in the metaphorical kitchen shit drawer, to be dealt with either later or never.
In other words, comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy what you have, accept what you cannot change and just do the best you can with what you have.

Problems of the first world- Adult people believe that life is a Disneyland and like images on Facebook 😄

In other words, comparison is the thief of joy
This👍

Same age; i don't.
Depends on what you mean by having your shit together tho...
I have a house, job, Dcs etc... do it on my own. But frequently feel like a fraud and and an idiot.

We are all imposters - no one has a clue.
I do have a solid career, a big house, 3 kids. Doing well on the face of it. Also losing my mind and needed to go part time. Constantly looking at houses on Rightmove because ours is £3k a month mortgage and always wishing I’d done a job I love rather than have to.
BUT I am a big believer in the fact that most things in life are a choice - I could quit my job, sell the house and move abroad if I want to. Maybe rather than thinking about the end goal, think about some baby steps to discover what that looks like? Nothing changes if n it thing changes 🤷‍♀️

I’m 36, I definitely don’t have my shit together, my poor husband does though, so I’m part of the shit he manages. We have two children, a house, a little holiday home, both have decent jobs, hobbies etc. I’ve been a parent for almost eight years, I was sat in our tent with a two year old this morning and had one of my regular “wtf trusts me with kids, grown ups look after kids” moments.

There are bits of shit you may be able to change, you could look at your skills and see what careers may suit to see if you could earn more being an employee.

I'm similar age to you and feel the same. I feel so lost and inadequate. Currently on my second maternity and trying to enjoy it but spending a lot of time worrying about my career or lack thereof. Have lost a lot of self confidence in the last few years. I do like the PP's quote above though, nothing changes if nothing changes. It's very hard though.

I am a lot older than you and I don’t actually know anyone who has their shit together!
Might be good at faking ,but everyone has their doubts and insecurities.

Name changed for this. I am your age, with young DC and back living with my mum after a nasty separation. I have no job (was a stay at home mum), can't drive and my savings have nearly all but gone as a result of recent separation. BUT, I have never felt more empowered and proud of myself. I got out of an abusive relationship, I am protecting my kids and am determined to give them the best start I can, I'm learning to drive and have the freedom to do what I want with my life.

I am not "sorted" in any shape or form (obviously) and am having to start very much from the beginning again. To me you sound so sorted! The fact that you've achieved so much is impressive, but if you're not happy there's always room for change too. Learning to reframe my mindset and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for has really made all the difference to me. When my very "sorted" friend implied she would trade everything with me to be able to conceive a child, it really hit home that the grass is always greener.

You are doing just fine and have nothing to prove or be ashamed of. Life can be hard and we are all just trying to get by as best we can really.

I agree with everyone else that no one really has it all sorted. Everyone has an aspect of themselves or their life that they struggle with. It does sound like though, the things making you unhappy are within your grasp to try and do something about regarding your weight and financial situation. I recently joined a PT group at now regularly attend the gym. I look and feel better than I've felt in over a decade and now so much more confident. Could you retrain? Look for a job and close down your business? Can you speak to someone re your financial situation and budgeting?

I’m a similar age and have recently come to the realisation I’m always going to feel like I haven’t got my shit together.

Despite from an outside perspective probably looking like I have.

I’m just not worrying about it too much, and enjoying the ride.

I have all the tickbox "sorted" stuff as well. Good job, husband, kids, lovely home in a nice area, savings. Even have life insurance and a pension.
Meanwhile back in reality I can see some sort of mental health catastrophe trundling down the tracks because I/We have had the most traumatic and and stressful time in the last few years (covid doesn't even compete for the top five horrendous things that have happened to us) and I'm like a little dog paddling constantly trying not to drown in house/work/kids so I don't know how to get out of the way of whatever is coming for me.
But I know I look great from the outside and people who didn't know about all the other stuff probably would wish they had my life.

41
Own house (with a mortgage)
3 BTLs
I look good. I'm muscular and a size 10, toned and a pretty face. Often complimented on my body
Master's degree and other qualifications.
Wealthy family
Friend
A lot of designer clothes
Peak health, nothing ever wrong with me, good stock as my Dad would say.

I'm just trying to think of things that others might perceive as 'having one's shit together'.

Now to reality

I'm cripplingly lonely. I've never found a decent relationship. I was undecided on children but I think had I found the right person I would have, and I feel I should have.

My house is a mess. I struggle with housework. Never been able to put my finger on why but I just don't face it well.

I messed up my career. Childhood damaged me and I grew up in survival mode believing I wasn't very intelligent. Reality is I am actually a very intelligent person but I made the wrong choices and now I cannot seem to find a path. I have a good enough job, but I could have done SO much better. I wish I'd have picked a degree I either loved, or would actually get me somewhere. Maybe even both!

I drank far too much last weekend, in the wrong company. I think I did it to just feel something. Ended up crying on my business partner who I feel has let me down. It just all came out. Not proud, but it has happened.

I'm going away tomorrow and not in the least bit looking forward to it.
I'm in a relationship with someone who has ASD and it presents in ways that cause me a lot of pain and suffering. It probably needs to end but then I'll be alone even more.

As others have said, smoke and mirrors.

My husband is 36 and has his shit together but he’s one of the few people I know who does! I have one other friend basically who genuinely does have her shit together - knows herself and what she’s doing; nice, balanced, meaningful job; nice big house; 2 lovely kids etc. But she still has shit going on, everyone does. But she seems to have a handle on things.

I’m 34, 3 kids, nice house, retraining, all good BUT it’s the internal ‘what the fuck am I doing, I’m just making everything up, how come you can just HAVE KIDS and people let you and now I have a tween; I need to find a plumber but how do you know if they’re a good one; is this a good rate for this job I need doing; I need to decide if my kid needs a circumcision, how do I go about that, I don’t want to scar him. I guess this will do as a healthy diet for my toddler? Only her whole entire future health in my hands as the gut is the second brain; I really just want to sit at home and be in peace but when I was doing that I really wanted a job so I’m never happy’ etc that really throws off the self-assuredness 😅

I was having this conversation with a few friends the other day and it’s a revelation to know most other people are the same. We’re just guessing but it’s working out OK so is it a problem? Everyone is just living for the first time. Which has actually helped me with my relationship with my mother too.

When I was 36 my first marriage had just broken down and I was a wreck. I am now in my 50s and life has improved a lot, and most of my shit is sorted HOWEVER I live I fear of it all unravelling again.

I'm nearly 35, a single mum and I live in a council flat. You're fine.

And to add to my above post, the only reason my body looks good is I work out a lot and am always on a diet. I've had women tell me how 'lucky' I am to have my body. More like an early life full of eating disorders equalling I could not possibly like myself if my body wasn't how I want it.

I had a flying career in my 20s/early 30s with six figures and all but was an absolute wreck for years with horrible MH. Had to quit and change career. Don’t love what I do now but my health is immeasurably better and hence I’m happier.

Had my daughter after recurrent miscarriage. She’s a relentless toddler and I’m knackered and eating too much crap with sleep deprivation but I’m immensely grateful every day to have her. Two of my best friends are childless not by choice.

DH is a great partner and dad but struggling with chronic illness. It’s exhausting.

Love where I live but all family are abroad and I miss them badly.

No one’s got it all…

What figured it out means? You read on here, men go and do affairs out of the blue, people get sacked, abused at work, forced out, people develop cancer, even kids develop cancer...

The best is to keep calm, keep your peace and try to have a job ( if career is not doable) and see the world from the bright side ( they say is a cliche but all mental health resources try to convince you of that anyway)

❤️ glad you have all the support from your mum.
Well done for getting out of your abusive relationship. Live the life you want to now.

38, mom of one of the earliest preemies in the country, baby is almost 3 months corrected now, but dealing with a host of health issues. Getting my ducks in a row because H turned out to be useless for England when it comes to parenting, despite giving all the impressions otherwise before pregnancy. The house is in both of our names, so there's that. I have a job, but only after giving up on my dream career and having 2-3 ideas fail spectacularly in between. Got rampant PCOS so overweight has been my baseline since puberty and it takes a lot of exercise and self restraint to stay there. I could grow a beard to rival my husband's, if I let it. So trust me when I say, you can get it together for a split second, but life is a very bumpy road and it will all come apart eventually for everyone.

I often find I can never be shit hot at everything at the same time, I'm either in control of my diet and and my ideal weight, enjoying working, but I will be spending over budget, or my finances are all on track but work is boring me and eating too many biscuits, that kind of thing, it's really hard to have everything spinning perfectly, it's just not life for most, I find I need the dopamine hit so if it's not chocolate, it's Amazon, or job hunting (as I enjoy it weirdly)

I've had a bit of a 6 month 'cleanse' recently whilst my husband works away. Got my eating and exercise right back on track, got my house in perfect order having spent weekends giving it a good clear out, finances are looking healthy after some bonuses and finally stopped myself buying stuff for the house after clearing it, but then ended up applying for a new job this week ha.

Nobody really has their shit together.

Don't look at everything that isn't right.

Choose one change you want to make this month, take time to praise yourself for doing that one thing. Focus on the little positives rather than the big negatives.

“wtf trusts me with kids, grown ups look after kids” moments.

Yep, we are both 37 and ds is 10 and we still regularly say this- this kid is an actual person, this is his actual real life and some fool left us in charge?!

Not helped by the fact we met at school when we were 11 and frequently seem to forget we are old now.

@peterpaneffect if it’s any consolation I don’t think anyone fully has their shit together- we have a strong marriage and a stable home and income but I have zero clue what I’m doing… I just get up and get on with the things in front of me and hope for the best 🤷‍♀️.

I'm 36 too. Married with 2 kids (I prioritised marriage before kids as that was my preference, thought we'd never afford a marriage after kids and I'd have been right!). I have a career but I'm struggling to progress and considering starting a side business. We have enough money to cope but can't really afford holidays. We only got to go away if parents help us out or we use a credit card. The threads about savings thousands saved make me feel bad, we can't afford to save. We do at least own our home, but we could do with an extension or extra bedroom ideally but can't afford it. So don't entirely have my shit together I guess