Do you ever get over being left for the affair partner?

[Onrepeatrepeat]

I feel pathetic. It has been two years since my ex husband walked out on our young family and moved in with the other women. I must have had the equivalent of months and months worth of therapy in that time and I still can’t let go of the life I dreamed we would have. It still catches me off guard at times and the tears fall. I do not know how I will ever get over the betrayal of the person I trusted more than anything and I no longer trust my judgment. I have no desire to date. I just feel a deep rooted sadness.

I have built a good life for the kids and I. We have a home and I have gone from being a stay at home mum to getting a great job I love. I do not miss having a man around making a mess and constantly moaning. BUT I still feel sad for the life I feel was stolen away. I never would have had children knowing I would end up a single parent and taking on the majority of all the childcare.

I feel like I am forever partly broken and I can not admit it in real life as everyone thinks you should be this warrior who is ok and a strong independent single parent. But the truth is I am not ok. I still feel so much grief.

Yes you do eventually get over it, what you thought you had, you didn't have. It was a lie, he was a liar. You can meet someone who is worth it all, if you want. And if you don't want thats ok too.

Time time and more time but yes you can slowly reduce the upset you feel over time.

Over time, talking therapies, new goals, new hobbies, spending some with friends and family etc yes you can and every so often it will hurt less and less and your feeling will change. Will it cross your mind from time to time, most likely but the pain with be less sharp the sadness will wither, eventually it will come to your mind and it will be a thought you can shrug away

I feel like I am forever partly broken and I can not admit it in real life

This stood out to me. Maybe you need to allow yourself to express the pain you feel so you can process it and properly heal.

At times i wonder what could have been , but truthfully i just feel relieved, i should have left the 1st time he cheated on me but i didnt , i let him leave me, he is still with the affair partner , but i know he has cheated on her, and i do what i want when i want , with kids who love me and tolerate him .
As harsh as it sounds , it has to come from you , think of the lucky break you had , she has a lying cheating scum bag for a partner and you have a good life .

I lost two exhusbands to affair partners. The first time devastated me and it took me many years to pick myself back up.10 years later I remarried only for it to happen again another 11 years down the line. I can't say it didn't hurt and I sometimes grieve for the comfortable retirement I could have had, not for the man. I have gained peace of mind by remaining single and that is worth so much more.

I never had a cheating ex, yes undiagnosed Asperger’s, and a son who chooses to be estranged, also Asperger’s
Been on my own too long, not choice, at 62, had a very nasty menopause at 45, not great jobs, and now Parkinson’s mid stage 7years in, often painful.
Despite all that, I still missed what I hoped, divorced at 37 never expected to be still single, or this unwell, luckily I don’t work

I don't think 2 years is that long actually and you shouldn't feel that you have to be 'over it' in a set amount of time. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and how long that takes is different for everybody. Don't expect to go back to 'normal' because a shocking break up and betrayal changes you and you won't be the same person you were before. Accept this and try and see the positives. You have discovered your strength and independence and you will probably never be blindly trusting again. You have been through a terrible time and survived it. Believe in yourself and a brighter future. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

Yanbu op. It is devastating.

Please don't feel like you need to ok all the time for the outside world. It's not weak to mourn or get angry or whatever.

I'm almost 3 years in, sometimes I still can't believe what he did but I'm slowly getting better and the chances are you will too.

I don't think two years is very long. It took me a good 5 years to come to terms with and even now, nearly 11 years on, I am still paying the price for my ex husband's affairs. I've never recovered financially and I am a lone parent as OW demanded he get rid of our child and bought a house 750 miles away to ensure contact couldn't continue. To me, infidelity is an act of violence and I will always be deeply scarred as will my child.

I think it's just time. I have a happy and fulfilled life but have remained single for the sake of my son who has SN and because I will never ever trust a man again. I would rather be on my own than ever risk going through that utter hell again. In time you will find so many things to be happy about. Remember that the relationship you thought you had was an illusion. You've not lost anything in terms of your ex, because he's not who you thought he was and you're better off without him. Maybe when you're ready, you'll meet somebody decent if that's what you want to do. It does get better and you will be ok

I have gained peace of mind by remaining single and that is worth so much more.

This basically. Me too.

I only have to look what is going on in UK at the moment to feel so safe and relaxed that I am a solo parent.

Oh OP, two years is indeed not a long time. This myth that we all get over it and never feel down does us no favours - we end up being so hard on the most natural emotions.

I remember after my divorce (husband left for OW), thinking grief was like trying to nail down a lid to a coffin. I kept thinking I'd finished, and then damn it, a nail sprung back up, and I found myself in tears again. I was so angry with myself...... but please know it's natural and let yourself feel what you need to feel. And know that it will continue to get better, but at its own pace. You can't dictate to grief how long it gets..

And also give yourself credit! You are looking after your kids, you have built a good new, stable life for them, you've got a whole new job that is working well.... It may also be that because you have been dealing with all the practicalities and being strong to rebuild your life, that your feelings haven't had the full time they need to heal.... now that you are in a more stable place, your system knows it is safe to let these feelings out.

Give yourself compassion. A little technique I was taught at the time, when I'm feeling grief, is to find a quiet place to breathe and give it space. Put your hand on your body where you are feeling the pain, and say 'I know you are in pain. No wonder. You have lost... (and list the things). It's natural you are in pain and I'm sorry." (Or whatever feels right for you).

The self criticism for feeling pain tends to bottle it up and keep it going for longer. The compassion can help you release it, and it's what you deserve.

I had therapy to come to terms with a medical diagnosis.

Something that really helped me was that the future I had imagined without the diagnosis had never existed. It wasn't something that I had lost. And that the future I have can be just as good, but different.

I wonder if thinking like that about the future you imagined with your ex might help?

I found it very powerful.

That's brilliant advice

OP, two years is nothing. This will probably continue to hurt for some time. But, it will slowly reduce, I promise

I always get enraged when people use the word "bitter" to describe women who were left in this way. Mine left a decade ago, two young kids now teens. They are not easy kids and life is hard. Today I am angry about having to deal with their teen issues alone. I'm not angry that he left for ow, ten years ago, I'm angry that today I am dealing with whatever shit comes my way today. I'm over him leaving, I'm not over his absence. If he'd stayed around, was 50/50, an engaged co-parent sharing the strain actually I don't think I'd care at all now about the relationship ending.

I have a partner of some years but we don't and won't live together. He is only peripheral to my life with the kids and that will always be the case. As a pp said, I can't risk being upended again because someone decides they want to sleep with someone else. OP it will settle down as time goes on but depending on how your ex is with the parenting, you may never stop getting those flashes of resentment.

I'm sorry you're still hurting. Could it be you've been so focused on your DC and having to move on and get a new job that you have not stopped to grieve your loss properly yet? Do you have anyone like grandparents who can take kids for a weekend. Just so you can have a bit of time to yourself. Could your ex take the DC for a week over summer?

I agree that 2 years isn’t a long time to grieve and come to terms with a loss. Something that I realised is that I was grieving something that never existed, a sort of rosy picture of what I was missing that wasn’t rooted in fact. So of an evening you think, I’m on my own at home, when I should be snuggled up in the sofa with the one I love…..and you stop and reflect, hang on, he was often out or I was usually in the kitchen or he was watching the telly and ignoring me….. it’s like you miss the dream and it helped me to recall the reality of it.

You will get there. And the therapy will help, and you won’t always feel the way you do now.

If he actually left you for the other woman, then he is weak and pathetic.

It's one thing to cheat, which can be viewed as 'just' sexual, but another to leave the woman you committed to and your children.

See he obviously doesn't know his own mind to marry someone and be swayed by another.
He's given up so much for a woman he's put on a pedestal. Pathetic.
Far from being a stoic, strong presence he is a piece of flotsam floating from one island to another.
And now the island he's currently on the shores of is worried he'll float off again.

I'm not saying this to make you feel better, though I hope it does, but to give you my honest opinion of such men.
Perpetual man children.
You just can't trust them.

@Onrepeatrepeat sending you a hug. I was you 20 years ago. My ex-husband had an affair and went off and set up with her. I was left with a toddler and a baby. We had an ugly divorce which felt like it took forever (it didn't of course) and I honestly felt completely broken after it all. I was very depressed, but kept on working part-time and being the best mum I could be to my children. From the outside, no one knew I had died inside, I looked fully functional. I took ADs on and off for over 5 years and did mad online dating - all of which were disastrous, because I was about as far from being in the right place to date as you could be.

Eventually, I started to work on myself. I had counselling, the children grew up a bit and were less demanding and I had time to rebuild my life from the inside out.

Time helps and two years is not long. You have to grieve for the loss of what you had, not just the person but the future you thought you were going to have. You have to allow yourself to do that.

Take each day as it comes. Congratulate yourself on all that you do. Be incredibly kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would a very dear friend who has suffered a deep trauma. Enjoy the children as much as you possibly can, even though it is exhausting being a single parent. They are small for such a short time, so throw yourself into being a parent to small children and all the fun stuff you can do with them when they are little.

You are doing so well and it will get better. 🤗

It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different. I was unwell mentally for quite a long time after XH walked out. I was absolutely devastated and it completely destroyed me. I had been on my own for a while, met XH when I was 30, absolutely thought he was the one. I really loved him. I think it was around 4 years of counselling on and off before I found the right counsellor who got me through it and to be able to properly move on.

I am 12 years on now, single by choice and while I would never want him back, I do sometimes think about how life would have been if he had stayed. It is hard having to do everything on your own, with very little CM and lack of co-parenting.

DD has just left school, and she was just 4 when he left. So it's been 12 long hard years. He moved away, came back, moved away again and sees DD around once a year.

DD has also had to grieve the loss of the family life she could have had, and had counselling in her teens to talk through her thoughts and emotions, about her anger/sadness at him not having regular contact.

I do also think that it changed who I am forever. I was too trusting, too gullible, I never dreamed that he would do what he did. I can't put myself through that again.

Find yourself a good psychotherapist and they will help you to put it away and move on.

Good morning. I really did not expect to wake up to so many reply’s and wonderful advice. I am really sorry so many of you have also been in such difficult circumstances and I really feel deeply and can relate to the pain. I wish you all the very best in the future.

I am realising from reading these reply’s that I need to be kinder to myself. It’s reassuring to hear those of you who say “two years is not that long”. I guess when I really think about where the message that “I should be over it all” has come from, it’s from my ex husband.

The children were 5 and under when he had his affair and it’s been the most gruelling couple of years. He is not a very involved dad due to his work and not living in the same county.

I never knew a person could feel so much grief when a person was still alive.

My ex had been most aggrieved that I didn't just pick myself up and breezily get on with it. He moved in with ow v quickly and wanted to sort of pretend it had never happened...the new normal. He was furious with me for continually dragging him back into parenting and reminding him of realities. He was in shock when the mediator told him that maintenance was not just making up the small gap between my total salary and my total household income. The idea that he had to pay x and that would leave me with some free money was appalling to him. It actually got easier the more shitty he became as his position became so indefensible. You will be ok OP. I found MN a huge source of support and actually @TheFormidableMrsC and I who went through all this at the same time became friends in RL (waves). Hang in there.

Your XH wants you to get over it and move on so that he can feel better about everything and relieve his guilt.

Trust me on this a man who is so much in awe of women (as your ex is) that he will try to destroy his children's upbringing, actually destroy his home and family life for a piece of ass (sorry to be crude but I really have to drive the point home) is NOT worth having.

He is pathetic, and his new woman is already looking over her shoulder.

Please spare no more tears on a man child.

"I never knew a person could feel so much grief when a person was still alive."

this is exactly what it is honey - grief - for the loss of what you thought you had, the person you believed he was, the future you've lost that you thought you'd share with him, even the way he looked at you and all of the kisses and cuddles.... and it hurts so so much.

When it happened to me, I told my friends it would've been 'easier' if he'd died not run off with the OW, because then he would've still been 'mine' and I could've just missed him but not had to cope with him not loving me anymore.

It took me ten years but now I'm ok and you will be too, promise.

One day at a time, don't ignore your hurt and don't give it too much headspace either - just do what women do, we cope somehow and we just keep going.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and to everyone else who's been you (and me). xx

OP, I was widowed nine years ago and I'm not 'over it' even though I am remarried and have another DC.

Neither should you expect to be 'over it' - you have suffered a betrayal and another form of loss and you are absolutely allowed to grieve.

Go easy on yourself.

Policing your own feelings is not helpful- I have spent too long telling myself I have to be ok. I'm not always ok. It's ok not to be ok.