I'm struggling to deal with adult DC developing independence

[Littlelithouse]

I know I'm being ridiculous but honestly I need help.
DC is 20 but is vulnerable and has autism and learning difficulties.
They have very recently gone from never leaving the house apart from for work and never wanting me to leave the house if they were there to going out most nights and I'm struggling with it.
They have gone from one extreme to another and cannot just go out for a couple of hours, I know if they leave the house and tell me they will be back at 6pm or 8pm or whatever they are more likely to walk through the door at 1am even with work the next day.

Part of me is extremely glad they have people to go out with and are gaining independence, part of me is worried shitless because I don't fully trust their ability to keep themselves safe.
Part of me is annoyed they are saying they will be back at 6pm or 8pm then walking in at 1am.

But tbh Part of me is slightly upset that I've given every second of the last 20 years of my life as a carer meaning I have lost my hobbies and friendships and every part of things for me and now I'm not needed I feel like I've lost every sense of me.
I know I'm being ridiculous but aibu to ask how you move on from this phase of life between kids and adults!

You are not being ridiculous at all, it's something I think I'll struggle with in the future. DD is only 11 and we're doing so much to try to ensure she grows up learning to be independent, I'm always saying that I hope she will maybe one day have her own home (perhaps in sheltered accommodation). It'll still be a big knife twist when the day comes- you've spent all their life having to shelter them and be there to protect them more than you would another child, possibly being told you might have to do it forever. But every sacrifice you made, made their confidence and independence happen. You built that foundation for them and I hope you can feel massively proud.
Sending massive hugs to you xx

Your children becoming independent adults is a massive shift for every parent. Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. I worried much, much more when mine started venturing out into the real world. I can only imagine how much more stressful this is for you given your child may be more vulnerable. Alone can do is to guide them the best we can, keep lines of communication open, and if they get into a situation they are struggling with, they can call for you, anytime, anywhere, day or night.

One thing that should apply to any child is our insistence on common courtesy. If your child is going to be out until 1am after saying they will be home at 8pm, that's fine, adults can do that, but they can also sent a quick text letting you know so that you don't sit there for hours worrying. I would absolutely expect this bare minimum level of courtesy from my adult children who live in my home.

Yup. It's shit, They suddenly get out there, and everything you did on their behalf over the last twenty years was not enough or wrong. And you nod and you apologise for being the limited human being who gave them the dubious and wonderful gift that is life...and you plot and plan what you will do now and what resources you give them (or don't). And you're calm and non reactive. You keep two things in mind: the big picture and your own wellbeing.

Thanks Nanny.
It is hard isn't it. We want them to be independent but when they are it's also scary!

I hear you. My son (ASD/ADHD) is 13 and my sacrifices have been huge to get him to where we are. I'm also a lone parent and it all falls on me. He's starting to want a bit of independence and at the moment it's only things like walking to the shop or cycling round the block on his bike. He also has a hobby that is quite solitary but I stay nearby. I know that he will spread his wings eventually and I will be happy and proud and probably utterly devastated.

My eldest went off to uni and never came back unless to visit but she is capable and independent and I was so proud to see her start a great career and get her own place. However, she doesn't worry me in the same way he does. It's hard. However, I think we should be glad we've done a good job

I've already had words about the time thing and it is something that is annoying me.
Today I specifically asked if they would be back late because of what has been happening (One day they told me to wait for them for dinner and then didn't turn up until midnight.)
Yesterday they messaged at lunch to say they were getting food and then coming home only to come back very late.
Obviously they can go out when they want but the lack of decency bugs me a bit.

Thank you.
Obviously I now have time for myself but knowing where to start is overwhelming to be honest.

Walking and listening to Atomic Habits helped me. There's value in doing something on the way to doing the right thing.

Name change fail?

It is really hard. It sounds like you have done and are doing an incredible job. Plan a few things just for you now - you deserve it.

Yes 🙄 (rolling my eyes at myself not you)

I'll have a look for that thank you

ND or not the time coming home is a common curtesy. Yet I’m very aware I’ll be in the same place when / if my youngest DD starts to spread her wings more. She has no sense of time and is ND young teen. I hope you can start small and carve some space for yourself now, I’m sure it’s well deserved. Rediscovering yourself will take time but go find some fun too.,

Agree 100% with the time of coming home point. DD has been home from uni for the summer and more than once has been 'getting the last bus home' then rolls in at 3am. Despite me being very clear I don't care what time she comes home as long as I know roughly when it will be she still doesn't see that it's an just inconsiderate and says we just need to not worry.

The time awareness is a big issue. She says she will be home after lunch and then will text me 7 hours later (so 9pm ish) to say she will be late and doesn't see any issue!

Thank you

We are trying phone alarms or diary reminders on her phone is that a tool that could help? My DD then forgets why she set the alarm but it’s a start…

I also send text messages even if I’m downstairs to say have you had breakfast yet 😂when I’m working from home downstairs- she’s always looking at her phone!