Never any repercussions for ex. Am I wrong here?

[Pumpkinz]

My ex was abusive. Didn't see our son for his formative years. Completed a domestic abuse perpetrator programme and now sees him every other week in the city where I live. It's court ordered that he has to come here and isn't allowed to take him home (he lives a couple of hours away). He generally comes but has cancelled a few times. Once last minute (day before) to watch the football final, and he messes times around quite a lot.

Anyway, he's court ordered to see him once a month for an overnight. Court made it clear that this should fall in school holidays and not weekends as this can't just fall on me but annoyingly didnt put it in the order.

I've asked (via a 3rd party as he's not allowed to contact me) if he can have him for an overnight in October half term. He's said he will have used up his 6 weeks of annual leave by that point and can't have him, only on the weekend (the rest he has already booked for xmas and cant change). He's also asked to change the weekend (not an overnight) to our son's birthday weekend (his weekend isn't on his actual birthday) so he can give him his presents. I was planning on either going away for that weekend with him or taking him to London for the Saturday and birthday party on the Sunday - son wants to do the London option and is excited. I don't really want to change this or be forced to go in October half term (though looks like I'm going to be forced to take the whole week off now).

My question is this. My son is very young still. He likes seeing his dad despite having been abused by him as a baby, as he doesn't remember or know about this. Would it really be in my son's best interests to say 'no, sorry that's not his weekend and I have plans' so he doesn't see him until after his birthday?

I feel like I'm treading on eggshells and just bowing to what he wants to my own detriment, but equally if I don't, is my son going to suffer? Do I just keep letting him get his way to keep the peace?

It is so hard when all you know him as is an abuser. I feel like he's still in my head and could use some mumsnet guidance.

Bumping so I don't get lost.

If you have firm plans and brought tickets then it is OK to say you can't change. If it is last minute then it is also OK to say you can't change.

If you haven't bought the tickets then just change them especially as you have the week off now and would have to find stuff to do with him.

Your son will ask you both when he's older why he didn't see his dad more often, you don't want his dad to have anything to show him that you were being "difficult" and it was in fact his dad who couldn't be bothered. You also don't want his dad to have any reason to go back to Court to demand more time with him.

BTW there are repercussions for your ex. He cannot have his son every other weekend overnight at his place in his home as the Court didn't feel it was safe to do so.

They're not firm firm. We've just picked the weekend and agreed it with friends. They might be able to change though.

I find it so frustrating that he doesn't organise his time better and I always end up having to take unpaid leave off work or put holiday clubs on my credit card. But you're right. That's nothing to do with our son.

I'm just so exhausted by it.

I think as you have already told your son about the London option, it would be unfair on him for it not to happen. He can have another celebration with his father another time.

Those are repercussions for the severe abuse he put us through though, which were of his own making. I'm talking about the fact that he doesn't take parenting seriously and just wants to see him on weekends, spunks his annual leave whilst I'm scrapping around for days off and taking unpaid leave. Putting holiday clubs on credit cards etc. When he says no to something I just end up bending everything around him. He knows I will too. It's so demoralising.