To think my friend is being a bit manipulative and sly?

[FrizzyandFluffy]

It’s a friend one!

Tara* and I have been best friends for 10+ years. But lately, she's been acting a bit strange.

She's always dropping hints instead of just saying what she means, such as “Ugh, I wish someone would [do the thing I can absolutely do]," but won't actually ask me.

It feels like I'm just one of the crowd instead of her “best friend” - I know that sounds really immature of me to say. But when I’m hearing her tell me constantly how much she loves me and I’m her best friend, how she’ll “only ever have 1 best friend” and that’s me etc, I start to think “well act like it then?”.

She’ll tell me stuff she's already told other people, such as sending out a mass text message to 10 people or sending me a voice note she’s already sent to someone else (it shows as ‘audio’ instead of voice note when this happens). It feels like she hasn’t got the time to message me an original thought, and will just recycle her messages to me as if I’m part of her audience.

Whats really bugged me, and sparked this post, is this. Last week Tara’s car almost got broken into, so I offered to post about it to see if anyone knew anything as she’s not on any socials. Nope, she ignores me but then I see a bunch of her other friends posting about it. So to anyone reading these posts they could be thinking that I’m a shit friend for not posting anything about it. Again, I sound immature I know 😕

it’s really hard to put into words how she acts, but she does this a lot and then will act like miss innocent and say “oh gosh, I didn’t know they’d do that” when she absolutely did, because she hinted for them to do it!

I don’t have many other close friends BUT that is because she gets very jealous and doesn’t “want to share her best friend” - her words, not mine! So I’ll only have acquaintances and not talk about them often. Meanwhile Tara will treating everyone else like her best mate - but then lie about it if I ask her what’s going on. It just seems really sneaky and sly, like I’m the one that doesn’t want to share her instead of the opposite? Of course she can have other friends, we’re adults. But what I don’t like is the sneaking around as it’s a bit insulting considering how annoyed she gets if I spend time with anyone other than her.

I promise I’m not unhinged (or 12 years old!), I’m just pissed off with how she acts.

She doesn't sound like a friend, particularly? I can't be arsed with playing games, so I'd definitely develop selective deafness to all hints and allusions.

Cultivate your other acquaintances/friendships, with the aim of expanding your social circle way beyond Tara. Her behaviour is not that of a friend and I'd be willing to bet money you wouldn't see her for dust the moment you need help.

So to anyone reading these posts they could be thinking that I’m a shit friend for not posting anything about it.

Genuine question: why would you care what a bunch of randoms on sm think?

Thank you, I think I just wanted a bit confirmation that I wasn’t being ridiculous (DP says I am 🙄).

I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, and I do try not to. I think I’m bothered more that I’d look like an idiot, possibly? Almost like I’m the clingy/weird one whereas she has all of these other ‘real’ friends that will have her back (even though I immediately offered to do anything she needed!)

And another thing - she’ll ALWAYS talk about these other friends behind their back, which makes me think she could be doing the same about me.

If we’re going out for the night and one of these women will be there (very conveniently, definitely not invited beforehand without me knowing…) then Tara will say things like “oh god I can’t be arsed to see *Stacey, I just wanted this to be our night. I don’t want to have to hang around with her all night, let’s try and ditch her” ???!!

So from my end it’ll look like *Stacey had gate crashed our night out, Tara doesn’t even like her that much, and wants to ditch her as she only wants to have a night out with me. But potentially from Stacey’s POV, her close friend Tara invited her out because she really wants her there and it’s been planned for a while. it’s like she’s playing people off against each other.

it’s just sly 😞

Again, I sound immature I know

Yes, you do.

You are focusing way too much on that one person. She's not really your friend. Focus on your own interests, on other people and real friends. You seriously need to back down, and stop caring about her. When you are busy enough elsewhere, you won't even remember her.

She sounds like a two faced cow, yes she’s absolutely slagging you off to her other friends exactly like she slags them off to you. But you both sound pretty immature if I’m honest.

Who even posts on Facebook about a car “almost” being broken into anyway? “Almost”?? The same kind of people that share posts about their friends cousins aunties neighbours missing dog 500 miles away at the other end of the country. Yawn.

Bin her off and find some decent friends.

She wants to be your best friend and she wants to be Stacey's best friend - but she doesn't want you as her best friend. Oh no, all this silly manipulative behaviour is to keep you all on tenterhooks. How is it when you're all in a big group? presumably she's playing you all off against one another?
My advice would be to organise a night out with Stacey without Tara, post it all over your socials, with lots of bestie hashtags.

Thanks everyone.

yes it’s definitely immature I agree, but I feel like I have no one else to vent to about this as I’ve taken a step back from my other friends due to her jealousy. Plus I don’t want to start complaining about her to other people as it just feels a bit icky. Doing it over the internet is slightly easier as no one knows her or me!

Minor point but the incident in real life wasn’t the car thing. I’ve changed that detail so the situation isn’t recognisable if anyone stumbles across this post, but it was something quite serious that you’d want to flag.

should I bring any of this up to her and tell her how I’m feeling, or is there no point?

When we’re in a big group - sometimes one of the other friends will mention something I didn’t know, and Tara will look sheepish and say something like “oh didn’t I tell you? I swear I told you?”. But it definitely seems like the other friends are closer with her than she lets on, they’ll bring her gifts and ignore me! Things like barely saying hi, if they’re buying a drink they’ll get one for Tara but not me, or they’ll just blank me completely.

Honestly - it sounds like she’s probably told her real friends that you’re some sadsack friendless little tag-along that she can’t shake off, even though she wants to.

Get back in touch with the friends you’ve diatanced yourself from, starting with a grovelling apology for favouring this dickhead over them, and make some plans for a social life that doesn’t revolve around her.

I don’t have many other close friends BUT that is because she gets very jealous and doesn’t “want to share her best friend” - her words, not mine! So I’ll only have acquaintances and not talk about them often.

You do sound unhinged for this OP. I absolutely cannot believe you haven’t got many friends because of her and I can’t believe you have put up with this for so long.

YABU for this reason ^^

but I feel like I have no one else to vent to about this as I’ve taken a step back from my other friends due to her jealousy.

Come on OP, wake up and smell the coffee

I'm guessing you're neurodivergent as you don't seem to really understand friendships or signals or what's "normal"?

@letsjustdothis no as far as I’m aware I’m not, but that’s an odd thing to say to someone (that you you don’t know) after only reading a snapshot of someone else’s behaviour.

it’s obviously bothered me, hence the post. I’m aware of how friendships work, and I know that lying and playing people off against each other while maintaining your innocence isn’t typical 👍🏻

@Rosemarysprinkle you might be right - although she had a meltdown when I mentioned I was going for a meal with an old friend, I know ultimately I’m responsible for letting my other friendships fall by the wayside. I guess it’s just easier and not worth the moody, guilt tripping messages I’d definitely get.