To ask how I can stop people using me for their own gains?

[CobaltQueen]

I have always been people's stopgap or the one that is great when someone is in need but once things improve for them, they disappear.
It has happened throughout my life and at 39, something needs to change.

Best friend of 10 years. Supported her through a suicide attempt and was a brilliant friend. Ghosted me once she met her now husband and started a family with them.
Work friend. Loved me when I helped her out with her dogs when she went on holiday. Removed herself from my life when I could no longer do it. Didn't message me when I found out I had been made redundant despite us working together for over 12 years.
Second friend. Supported them massively through their marriage breakdown. As soon as they met a new partner, they disappeared.
Third friend. Was having a lot of trouble at work, I was the supportive one. As soon as she left the job ? No contact and when I looked on her FB earlier, she is in touch with all the ex colleagues who were horrible about her and is all over her new colleagues.

How do I stop myself being used like this ? I feel like I am part of their memories of a rough time in their life but now they are back on track, they see no use in me. All of them are leading amazing lives from what I see. Happy with their husbands and kids, deeply in love and always on breaks away and new nieces and nephews.
My self esteem is so low and I worry I will never meet any decent people. I know I am partly to blame as I have allowed this and not had good boundaries but would appreciate any advice. Please be kind.

It's not (all) you, it's them. They are users. You need to work out why you're attracting that type of person, and change that. If you're a bit of a people pleaser/bit vulnerable, users will be able to sense that and will take advantage of you. If you quite like being needed you're probably giving more of yourself than you should. You know yourself, you need to work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

I do agree that I have to take some responsibility and I know my self esteem, people pleasing etc is part of what has got me in this position.

So very sorry you are feeling low. You haven’t said anything about your work, your hobbies, your likes, what makes you feel happy, so I would concentrate a little bit more around trying to find your own “happy place” rather than helping others too much at the moment. It’s nice, and most of the time rewarding to give something to others, but you do need something more as well. From a personal point of view, I am very creative, and get a buzz out of trying different hobbies. Simply creating a nice meal, even if only for myself is a lifter. Get outside whenever you can, stroll, walk, jog, cycle. If you can do it with others great, but on your own if safe is good as well.
Most of the things you have looked back on are simply routine human behaviour, perhaps a bit upsetting personally, but it’s better not to brood too much, but get back out there, and give yourself some “me” time if you can. Friendships come and go, evolve. You need to move on a bit from the past. Stay off too much social media as well, that won’t help you move on. All the best🙂

Op I think people naturally move on and a lot of people you talk to will not be friends with people they were with before, that’s not because of their friends, it’s just circumstances changing.

People can say people are users but nobody can realistically stay connected to everyone for life- you change from school to college or work, change jobs, you might have different hours to them, you might have kids, family comittments etc. I think you have to stop seeing it being a you problem or a them problem and just surround yourself with things you love, enjoy life and see how things go

@stayathomer Mmm there's naturally drifting apart, and there's ghosting/replacing/removing someone from your life.

JudgeBurrito
thats true but sometimes people read as ghosting/ replacing when it’s just that the other person had something else on and someone else was part of it.

When I moved to secondary I moved to a different one to my primary friends who lived nearby. I also started a new hobby close to a relative and ended up with them a lot of days. I’d sometimes run to my friends and tell them I couldn’t see them as we were going to my relatives but they knew while I was there I’d also be at my hobby so they took that as me picking a different life or something.

They told me they’d been there for me and went about our area calling me a user. I said whenever I’m at home I’m doing homework or we’re going to see my granny. It was before mobile phones and they made life really hellish (would wait across the road from me and call me names etc). As an adult one told a boyfriend I ditched people and he should watch out. Sometimes people cling onto the whole ghosting thing and it’s not that at all it’s just life changes

Only freely give not expecting anything in return. Take responsibility for setting and maintaining boundaries. Let people go.

@stayathomer The word 'users' has clearly triggered you, but your experience is not OP's. I can only go off what she's described, and someone relying on you heavily then ditching you when a new partner comes along is using (and not uncommon). You might say it's life, but there are plenty people who manage to maintain a relationship and hold onto old friendships (including myself). Have I drifted from some people since I met my husband as we're all busy and life happens? Yes. The difference is if we saw each other tomorrow we'd smile and catch up, unlike the few people in my life who have dropped me more or less overnight because their new partner took priority.

My guess is you're too available and it comes from an unhealthy place (saviour complex). Step back, be there for your friends, but just the bare minimum.

Totally agree with JudgeBurrito - you are recognising it now, so it's only upside from here. Think about what it is you are doing to attract these kind of relationships. It is possible to be a good person without being "nice". IME people who are nice are often used this way. Some are fine with that as happy in other aspects of their life, but you have identified that the balance is off with you.

I know I am too nice and accommodating and it has ended in me just being walked all over. I need to start setting strong boundaries.
I guess I just worry I am not good enough for anyone to bother with.

Some people are very empathetic and try to help people/ solve problems etc because somewhere along the line they don’t get help and know what it feels like to be in need

I also think there are people who are shallow - the users if you like.
Happy to take from you and then drop you
I don’t have much advice about how you deal with this before it happens
But perhaps be less available- even though you want to help. People are happy to dump their shit on someone else and think nothing of it - when they are then ‘in a good place’ they don’t want to think about that time

Put yourself first and be more circumspect with you time and effort for others ( sad world I know)

OP you are a great friend and sadly have attracted people who see you as a resource rather than as someone they want to enjoy an equal friendship with.
You have recognised these people have taken advantage of your kind nature and that is a big step.
Also like to point out that anyone who drops a good friend completely for a new relationship won’t be very happy in it, either. They may ‘seem’ like they are moving on with their perfect lives but I can guarantee in time they will be looking for another ‘friend’ to dig them out of a drama. And it doesn’t have to be you!
Think of all the qualities that make you a good friend. It’s time use those qualities to your advantage. Have a look around at your community and see if you could offer help somewhere - it doesn’t have to a be a huge commitment.
It is a great way to meet others and you can be the person you already are whilst building your self confidence.
Find one thing you really enjoy doing and build on that - again, you want to be around people you meet on a fairly equal footing.
It is time to make your life a bit more about you. Your ‘friends’ will no doubt hoover someone else in to their next dramas and you can stay well clear.
And in life you don’t need lots of friends to be happy. A handful of really good ones is brilliant!

I think very transactionally. I will do anyone a favour, but will be unavailable for more until it has been returned.