To not know what else to do with 18 year old?

[HalfWayDown]

Ds is 18 and autistic. I know high functioning isn’t a preferred term, but it’s the best way to describe him. If you didn’t know him, or spend some time talking to him, you wouldn’t necessarily see his challenges.

Since he turned 16, things have been tough. He started smoking weed, drinking, getting into fights, involved with gangs and sometimes not coming home. I’ve tried everything. CAMHS are involved, I’ve set strict boundaries, I’ve tried being understanding, even begged him to see how his actions are affecting me and our family. Things seemed to improve for a while, but now that he’s 18 and can legally buy alcohol he’s drinking daily, often with friends at parks and hanging out in dangerous places.

He recently got a job (apprentice rate) and has quit college, but he’s already turning up late. Despite me asking and explaining, he hasn’t contributed any money. I still pay for his phone, gym, clothes, food, and everything else, as I’ve always done. I spend too many nights into the early hours worrying, especially when I have to get up for work the next day, because he’s not home and his friends call me saying he’s refusing to go home and acting aggressive.

He always apologises afterward, crying and promising to do better, but the change only lasts a day if I’m lucky. I feel like everything he says to me is a lie and I keep falling for it.

I’m finding it really tough because technically, he’s an adult, but in many ways, he’s still clearly very much a kid.

Any advice?

I am autistic and I think my teenage years were similarly turbulent (according to my mum, at the very least). I was never in gangs or acting aggressively but there was plenty of risk-taking behaviour which is not uncommon for autistic adolescents.
What helped me was moving out of the parental home. I suddenly had to act like an adult. There was less money for frivolous lifestyle and keeping a job became paramount.
I don't understand why you are still paying for his phone and gym if he is earning. My mum stopped doing that the minute I turned 18 and started earing. The only thing which was available to me at the house was food. Everything else I had to pay out of my salary. So I would start by cancelling these payments and getting him to take some responsibility of his own.

It's hard but the first thing I would do if my young adults weren't contributing is make them find out what happens when they don't pay their way. No phone, internet, gym. I wouldn't take away bare essentials like food and shelter and medical care. I might be a bit more lenient at 18 than I would at the ages mine are though, and how far I take that would depend on their mental vulnerability.

He reason I still pay for things is, if I don’t pay bibs phone he probably won’t either and I will not be able to get in touch with him. I had previously cancelled his gym and he stopped going. I agreed with CAHMS that I would pay it again in the hope it would keep him on a healthier path

Can you set out some basic rules for living in the house? He does his own washing, cooking and takes turns cleaning the bathroom. He cleans up after himself.

You'll continue to pay for the gym and will get a PAYG that has calls/texts. You can get one for about £5 a month, try Lebara.

He contributes a proportion of his wages towards bills.

If he's not happy with that arrangement then he's welcome to find somewhere else to live.

Hi how are things now? You aren't alone. I'm going through the same with my DS, also 18. He's been standing on bridges over busy roads and hanging onto moving trams. Also uses weed. Do you think your DS is self medicating with weed?
Hope to hear back from you

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like an incredibly painful and exhausting situation, and it’s clear how much you care for your son and want the best for him. Balancing the reality of his behavior with your love for him must feel unbearable at times, especially when you’ve already tried so many approaches to help him find stability. His autism and the challenges that come with it likely make things even harder to navigate, especially if his emotional maturity isn’t in step with his age or if he’s struggling to process the consequences of his actions. It’s also so hard when he shows flashes of understanding and remorse, but the behavior cycles back. You’re dealing with the heartbreak of wanting to help while also trying to protect your own well-being. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and even at a loss for what to do next it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You’ve done so much already, and the fact that you’re still trying, despite everything, shows how strong and loving you are. But it’s also important to look after yourself. This kind of stress can take a huge toll, and you deserve support too. Think about setting boundaries, connecting with support networks, or ways to cope with the emotional weight of all this? You’re not alone, and there are people and resources that can walk alongside you in this.