To think sometimes you just have to make the best of it?

[anywhichone]

Little weekend alway for dh , kids and I. Dh is generally reluctant as he never sees point in doing stuff like this. Both kids under five.

First day generally nice few squabbles but ok. Second day youngest is not on good form has a few meltdowns. I'm of the mind frame deal with it and move on. Dh can't let go of stuff. He ends up in a fairly mardy mood. Have a takeaway that night he's feeling slightly better. Third day I wanted to go beach again as kids love it dh moans and insists we go to a forest, eldest cuts hand and after that is moaning constantly. Dh is instantly in a foul mood for rest of day, not engaging barely talking. Dh wants to go out for a nice tea. We go spend £££ on a nice meal but dh barely makes conversation. After kids are in bed I tell him I'm sick of having to manage his moods and kids. He has a go saying he works hard and needs holidays to be a rest not more stress. Dh suggests he just goes by himself on holiday from now on. Last day dh doesn't want to go anywhere, suggests we stop off at a park on way back. I say we might as well just leave. Home by lunch and I take kids out by my self in afternoon.

I spend a lot of time on my own with kids and look forward to family time but if dh gets in a mood it's just awful.

Surely it's normal for some squabbles /meltdowns in under fours.? I can't see why we can't just laugh it off and move on. I find it impossible to stay upbeat when he's getting more and more miserable

Can both if you not find things that everyone enjoys?

DH is being a mood shit but I’m a bit on the fence here. Holidays in the main should be enjoyed by everyone. We have on occassions done a holiday which was just for the kids (butlins) but mainly we make sure it’s some thing we all like at least parts of it.

You say on the last day he suggested something with the kids but it sounds like you spat your dummy out and said no and took them some where yourself instead.

Sounds like more communication is needed all round.

I couldnt live with a man like that. Usually is the husband's ( daddy being the funny playmate ) business to entertain, be sporty, with the kids, running, playing sports, lifting them in the air to make them fly and laugh

I am just saddened listening to such stories....why do men make kids when they do not want kids, do not want family time, do not want family holidays but just to sit down, eat and drink beer. That is not acceptable

I would seriously think about leaving him.
You cannot imagine the weight that is lifted off your shoulders when you realise that you are not constantly managing a sulky, withdrawn adult.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. Takes me back. Unfortunately so many men (and a fair few women too!) really don't enjoy family life with small children. The hard work, the restriction, the failure of things to go to plan, the compromise to prioritise others over themselves. The decent ones accept they made their bed, it's only a period in time, so best step up, put their game face on and crack on with it. Ones like yours can't or won't do that and end up making things ten times harder than they need be by dragging down the atmosphere and sucking any pleasure from it. I don't know what the answer is tbh as I'd be very loathe to reward his bad behaviour by telling him to go on his own while I did all the hard work. Maybe have a very frank conversation about what behaviour you think is acceptable and fair from him.

The only realistic way for “rest and relaxation” on a holiday with under 5s is if the other parent is doing all the work! Or if you bring grandparents or similar to share the childcare more widely if they and you are up for that.

So it looks like his choice is to step up and parent with you for the holiday or he can parent solo half the time for you to have some “rest and relaxation” too.

It’s another example of how men think that they have it harder because they go to a paid job. Having been both at home and at work, I can say that going to paid work is much easier than looking after the kids. I find that even when they are older, a holiday often isn’t the rest that people want. It’s much better to view holidays as a change, or an adventure, because 9 times out of 10 something happens that is stressful (delays, illnesses, disappointments etc.)

Sounds like you went on holiday with three kids.

Many years ago, I attend a motivational training session at work. The presenter was a cheesy American and her central argument was that you decide whether you’re going to have a good day or a bad day depending on how you respond to things that happen.

I don’t buy into it totally but the older I get, the more realise she was right - shit happens, deal with it, and don’t let it ruin your day.

Yeah, he's going to have to adjust those expectations. Rest and relaxation on holiday are a few years away. Me and DH are currently on hols with kids age 1,4 and 7 and last night in the 30 mins peace and quiet between putting them to bed and going to bed ourselves, we reminisced about holidays in our former life!

I don't know your DH and other elements of your relationship but just to say that my DH has said no to UK holidays while DS is little as we would find this just like parenting with less facilities. Good weather makes such a difference to what you can do with children. I don't disagree to be honest, I'd probably rather stay at home if the other option was to go somewhere where facilities would make everything more stressful. We're lucky enough to be able to afford to go abroad and stay somewhere with really good facilities for children so this has an impact on my view.

Just reading more of the comments on this thread and I disagree that you can't relax on holiday with a young child. We only have 1 child and no we didn't spend any time on a sunbed which is what we'd have done pre children but I still found going for walks with a pushchair, swimming in the pool as a family and going for an ice cream both relaxing (to an extent) and enjoyable.

Holidays used to be for rest, but with small children they aren't anymore.

Did he want children, did he understand what it involved? Did he want a second, double the work etc

In particular there's massive more opportunities for rest and relaxation with only one child compared to two

The more children the less ability to relax

It’s cliche, but true. Holidays with young children are business trips.

they can be great business trips and fuel your soul, but rest and relaxation is not on the menu.

I haven't got any kids so I don't know how many tantrums and fights would be expected between two small children... BUT what I do know is that when things are a bit shit, the worst people in the world are the ones who make it shitter instead of trying to make it better. And it sounds like your husband is one of those people.

Of course it's annoying when a child's being a nightmare (or the car breaks down, or the weather's awful, or you come down with a cold, or any of the other things that can go wrong on holiday!) - it's totally normal to be cross about it and maybe feel at the end of your tether. But a decent person, once the situation's been dealt with, moves on and makes the best of it instead of sulking over it, being a complete dick and ruining the rest of the day.

My ex was the same. Anything even slightly annoying or stressful and he'd overreact like a great big drama queen and make the situation worse instead of trying make it better. It was bloody awful.

Is it me or are men becoming more and more selfish? I find these threads so sad. The fact so many posters are saying they have the same issues with their DH makes me despair for women - most of whom don't particularly enjoy kiddy type holidays, stroppy toddlers and endless organising of day bags, snacks, beach wear etc, but we do it because we love our family and we put our kids' happiness above our own.

My DH is far from perfect but he was great with our DC on holiday when they were small. He had/has a stressful job (he runs his own company) but for him spending time with me and the kids was what he lived for, and now our DC have their own DC he lives for our time with them.

If I had a man like the OP's husband I would wonder what's the point of him.

He's not really an equal partner, is he? He doesn't really want to be a grown-up. He's like another child you have to manage. Like a teenager who might occasionally do a few chores around the house but doesn't really take responsibility or ownership for anything. He's a passenger in family life.

I'm not really sure what to suggest. There are lots of men like this and by and large they get away with it (even when their relationships implode) and they can't be changed. It's not really a question of pointing out the unfairness of the situation to them - they're not stupid. It's just that while paying lip service to equality, they think their situation is special/their job is uniquely stressful and therefore they 'deserve' special treatment which you are then expected to facilitate.

Does he think female engineers get away with doing fuck all parenting?

He's a knob, did he want children? He doesn't sound on your side or part of the team, he's like a moody teenager

I feel for you! Men can be shit.

What I don't understand is, how have women raised such shit men (sons)? We really need to make the next generation better!!!

Okay, THIS.
It's okay to feel disappointed, or annoyed, or tired, or whatever. But it's not okay to make it worse for everyone around you. Stick on a happy face and tolerate it for the sake of your family and have a sulk later in bed alone, or a little moan to your partner and then move on from it and show your partner some appreciation for them handling it too.
I'm not saying parents shouldn't have emotions, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that actively sulking makes things worse for everyone around you. And if you actually loved and cared about your family, you'd make the effort rather than continue to do something to spoil their day.
Someone who tries but slips up - like says and does all the right things but has resting bitchface - fair enough. But this man isn't even trying.

Yes he really wanted them but I guess reality is tougher

Thank you for this really helpful for getting my point across.

Ha no it is my shitty phone that does what it wants!!
Ugh men can be so damn annoying

I hate it when this happens: I’ve had a few moments of telling DH to suck it up and it’s not all about him any more.

This is absolutely true btw ( if you are healthy). The power of self conviction is next to miraculous. And obviously not in a war zone or starved

He needs to learn how to enjoy his family then, and not see them as another source of stress.