To want to be alone?

[GretaGarbosTwin]

I don’t think it is unreasonable for mums to want time to themselves - time without kids, partners, cooking and housework. Time to go out for a coffee or a manicure or just to be alone and do nothing.

But I am curious as to how much time people think is reasonable. Mostly because I am getting resentful of DH’s time to himself.

DH works 5 days a week but commutes in blissful silence in his car. He gets two evenings a week plus one or two extra evenings a month and every Saturday morning to do his own stuff - sports clubs, activities, hobbies. Plus a few extra hours here and there.

Me - SAHM, working one day at the weekend. No regular time off or out.
I feel like I have to negotiate with DH to arrange an evening off for a haircut which involves me cooking dinner for everyone else, leaving before dinner to drive to my appointment, sitting in the chair for an hour, driving home, possibly putting the toddler to bed because DH hasn’t done it yet. Out of the house for 90 minutes max, once every eight weeks.

I tried to arrange to run errands on my own at the weekend but DH came along with DC.

I just want to be alone! Is that unreasonable? (I really don’t think it is).

But how much time is reasonable? An afternoon a month? Or a day a month? An afternoon a week? A day a week definitely would not happen.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is reasonable. I think you and DH both need time to yourself every week. So he has Sat morning to himself, how about you get Sunday morning?

@Truetoself I work on Sunday. It would definitely be easier if I didn’t.

So you get Saturday afternoon.

Evening wise, he's a big boy - he can do it.
It seems you're allowing this, I did the same when my toddler was just a baby. I had it in my head that nobody could do it like me, or I had to make his life easier because I dared to go out.
Not true.
He's just as much little one's Dad as you are Mum, and they will be fine. It might not be just how you'd do it, but it will get done when he has no other option.

Perhaps try a few assisted bedtimes first to improve your confidence and 'teach' him.

He's leaning in to your good nature and proactive mothering skills to keep things this way, it'll only stop if you push back.

Tell him you’re taking 2 evenings a week too. Get a hobby or go for a walk, anything.

Sounds like he can’t look after the kids alone. How old are your children?

I personally think it’s better to find reliable child care such as siblings or parents some you and your children trust.

Seriously?? If he can’t look after the children he needs to grow a pair and learn.

What is reasonable is not having to ‘negotiate’ with DH and basically still doing all the work before/after you go. Could be an evening a week, a solo shopping trip (I remember really loving these at the toddler stage!), being able to organise a glass of wine/cinema trip with a friend knowing that DH will be supportive and able to cope!

Do you feel he can't cook dinner/do bedtime etc without you being there or would you get kickback from him about it if you left him to it? Have you talked about your lack of me time?

How old are the kids?

You shouldn't be cooking dinner on your haircut day. Start either that. You need to leave the house when he gets home, go get your hair done, have dinner out/meet a friend/go to the cinema and return home after bedtime.

Why can't dad do 'childcare'? If he doesn't know how to for whatever reason he can learn.

Thanks, everyone.

DH is a very capable parent. Arguably better getting the toddler down than I am. But also more likely to ignore normal bedtimes.

Negotiating - yeah, it shouldn’t be like that but it does feel like it. His activities take precedence over mine and I need to check he is home and available. I do need to change that.

I cook because he doesn’t get home in time to do it in time for our usual dinner time. I like the routine. I’d prefer not to cook but I do to make sure we don’t have any hangry attacks.

Also, no siblings or parents around to help with childcare. They would if they were here (on both sides). I miss them!

You need to get a hobby or class or just book some nights or days out into the diary. Then your husband has to work out the childcare and the rest. It might mean that he has to miss some of his regular things but that’s fine. One or two regular nights a week is fine if you can manage it. What my wife loves is if i take the kids out and she gets to have the house to herself so she can relax

This is similar to our house too OP, although we both work full time the kids tend to come with me if I'm popping to the shop or walking the dog so DH gets the house to himself inadvertently. I get the feeling of resentment.

The difference is fine with me going out with friends, nails etc but doesn't understand that sometimes I want to be alone in my own home- not having to leave the house for peace and quiet! I have started being more direct about it now "I want some time alone, take the kids to your mums/the park/out for a couple of hours please"

Are you waiting on him offering though?
Theres no point getting caught up on the idea of negotiating and letting that put a negative spin on it.
As a SAHM it’s just logical for you to be the default, if you’re going out you’re obviously going to have to check that your husband isn’t working late etc and will be home. At the minute you don’t go out, so of course he assumes you will be home. As you start doing things for yourself this dynamic will hopefully shift.
Once a week is fine, pick a day and stick to it to give yourself motivation to go out. Could you plan a walk with a friend? Sign up to a gym class? Sit in a local pub with a wine and a podcast/ book?
It doesn’t need to be a big activity, just get out and change up your routine. Stay out past when your DH will put the toddler to bed. It doesn’t matter if he’s out of routine, let DH deal with it.

Thanks, Blackbean. You get it.

Well, go back to work for the commute, or be more direct with prioritising yourself. Eg ‘I’m going to be out Saturday morning till noon every weekend, and on Tuesday and Thursday, dinner and bedtime is on you because I’m going to be out marathon training/ learning Mandarin/ taking pole dancing classes’.