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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Police attending report of domestic abuse

22 replies

motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:10

Sorry didn't know where to put this. Does anyone know what happens when the police attend a home for a report of domestic abuse?
I have made a report and now I'm worried the victim will deny what is happening and the perpetrator will take it out on them. As far as I know it's not physical abuse

OP posts:
FatmanandKnobbin · 05/08/2024 23:16

They will separate the couple and question them. If there's no evidence/they deny it then nothing will happen.

You should have consulted and supported the victim with reporting rather than springing it on them as a surprise.

This may well have done more harm than good.

twopercent · 05/08/2024 23:18

No it won't do more harm than good. It starts a record that may be added to later, but it is helpful to have different sources confirming abuse, for the police case, and it is helpful for the victim to see that other people recognise that they are being abused

Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:19

@FatmanandKnobbin I do fear that I'm so worried.

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TooBigForMyBoots · 05/08/2024 23:19

Good for you reporting it @motelhotel.Thanks

You passed your concerns to the police. It's up to them to check things out now. You did the right thing.

Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:22

@FatmanandKnobbin I don't want to obviously go into too much detail although I don't expect either of them are likely to be on mumsnet. I'm not able to talk to the person in question because the other person is preventing me and all members of my family from attending the house they are also monitoring their phone.
This is not a couple it's an male member of my family and a younger male family member who I suspect is mentally unwell

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Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:25

Thank you I hope so 🥲 he has lost so much weight and is a shell of himself. I do believe he will lie to the police to protect this person though as they are already in trouble with the police for other violent crimes unrelated. It's been going on a long time and it's a huge worry

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whatsupluckyducky · 05/08/2024 23:25

I think you’ve definitely done the right thing. The police will hopefully recognise this might be a vulnerable adult .

FatmanandKnobbin · 05/08/2024 23:26

motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:22

@FatmanandKnobbin I don't want to obviously go into too much detail although I don't expect either of them are likely to be on mumsnet. I'm not able to talk to the person in question because the other person is preventing me and all members of my family from attending the house they are also monitoring their phone.
This is not a couple it's an male member of my family and a younger male family member who I suspect is mentally unwell

Younger as in a child?

Social services may be an option here.

Or adult social services if not a child.

Do you know any services they are using, mental health, doctor, anything at all?

Narwhal23456 · 05/08/2024 23:28

So hard but it sounds like you've thought long and hard before making this decision. Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest, well done for doing the right thing.

ThemysteriousH · 05/08/2024 23:32

Thank you for reporting it - someone else calling the police when I was too scared to genuinely saved mine (and my children’s!) life.
It made me realise maybe I wasn’t maybe going mad.

If nothing changes, I’d reccomend looking on the woman’s aid page or give them a ring for hints & tips in supporting someone going though DV. X

Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:33

No not a child 30's they refuse to seek any medical help they are clearly showing signs of some kind of paranoia hearing voices etc thinking everyone is out to get them. The older man is their parent there are just the two of them since his wife passed. The son has always been a little bit odd but the death of his mother seems to have made things spiral more. He is preventing family from going to the home and monitoring his dads mobile phone. His dad is not too elderly under 70 and still working but has aged significantly since this has been happening. He is loosing weight rapidly. The son also refuses to work so the father is paying for everything. He has been violent in the past that is why family members are frightened to push getting into the house mainly because we are female and he would over power us. The police have said they will attend but I'm just not sure if there is anything they can realistically do

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Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:36

It's become a really strange relationship between the two of them to the point that I feel like he would rather carry on like this than see his son locked up or hospitalised. I just wish he could see for sons own sake (I'm not going to pretend I like him I don't) that he needs help too

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Noseybookworm · 05/08/2024 23:37

If the police speak to your family member and realise he is in the midst of a mental health crisis, they should be able to have him assessed by a mental health professional. You have done the only thing you can do at this point. I hope the police help you get this sorted out OP, it sounds like a hugely worrying situation 😔

ThemysteriousH · 05/08/2024 23:38

Aw this is so sad 😞

Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:39

@Noseybookworm thank you thank you to everyone for the replies.. I'm really hoping this is the case and that things can be resolved it's no way to live 🥲

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Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:45

I feel sick to my stomach tbh knowing that they are going. I just feel like if something happens I didn't do anything I've sat on it for too long because he has wanted to protect the son and I haven't wanted to put more upset on him which I know this will undoubtedly cause

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itsmylife7 · 05/08/2024 23:51

You've done the right thing OP.

CLola24 · 05/08/2024 23:52

I used to work for the police.

Unless the perpetrator is an imminent risk to themselves or anyone else, they will isolate and speak to the victim first.

When they do this, they will see whether any offences have occurred. In some instances, it will be down to the victim as to whether they want there to be further police action, however there are some offences where the police have to arrest the suspect.

From there, they may make safeguarding referrals if deemed appropriate.

Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:55

Thank you as far as I am aware he is not violent towards him but tbh i don't think he would tell us if he was. It seems more like a control over him. He's happy for him to leave the house to go to work and if he calls any family member it's on the way home from work so that he doesn't know he is having contact with us. I said I didn't want to go into a lot of detail but tbh it's nice to get it out I haven't spoken to anyone outside of the family about this

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Original poster
motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:57

@CLola24 thank you. I suspect he will say nothing has happened to protect the son. It might be a wake up call though hopefully 🙏

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Devonshiregal · 06/08/2024 00:32

motelhotel · 05/08/2024 23:19

@FatmanandKnobbin I do fear that I'm so worried.

dont feel bad. I wish I’d had someone who did this for me. And at the time I might honestl have been frustrated by it. And he might have taken it out on me. But actually I think I’d have got out sooner if even one person had given a shit enough (or been brave enough depending on how you think about it) to call the police. And it makes me so sad that people just walk by.

At the very least, this intervention plants the seed of change. And hopefully that’s for the better. It 99.9999% won’t be an immediate change though so don’t expect that.

It could be a bad change. He might get violent. Only time will tell. But it will not be your fault. The ONLY person to blame here is the abuser.

P.s. Don't confess to it being you ever until your loved one is well and truly out of this situation - the abuser will use this to break you and the victim apart. Or the victim will feel humiliated and pull away. And by out of the situation I mean once they’re broken up, moved on, married to someone else kinda shit. Absolutely no chance of reconciliation, otherwise you will be cut off.

Original poster
motelhotel · 06/08/2024 08:16

@Devonshiregal thank you for your reply I won't be saying it was me although I think they will work it out.

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