To be upset re how friend has acted/ hasn’t acted.

[Sunnygardenflower]

So, my mum has been really unwell and a friend I’ve known for a long time and would consider one of my best friends hasn’t acted as I thought she would- I feel quite upset about it but know I shouldn’t let it get to me.
When other friends who I haven’t known as long have found out, they have sent lovely messages and have been far more supportive.
When the friend I’m talking about had messaged me about something else and I told her, she sent back a very brief, matter of fact message.
Have just felt quite hurt but as above, know it shouldn’t get to me.
I guess it reinforces that in tricky times, you find out how people really are or can be.
Anyone else had a similar situation?
And did it upset you?
Thanks for listening.

Disappointing - has she got any issues you're not aware of?

A longstanding good friend who I was only in touch with a couple of times a year was widowed. I was extremely depressed at the time, and really just couldn't get it together to be as helpful and supportive as I should.
Still feel guilty about it, about fifteen years later.

I empathise. It’s horrible.
My best friend basically told me to get a good night‘s sleep when I told her I was having a crisis (my first in the whole time I’d known her, never pushed my problems on her before) and I just snapped. I just needed her to listen and care. I thought screw it. Haven’t contacted her since.
I am sorry you have been there too.

Unfortunately some people do not see us as we see them. You probably give your time and support to many and at this point you are finding out who reciprocates when it is needed

The older I get the lower my expectations of other people become. There are threads on here such as ‘why do people not respond to texts’ - some of us think of our friends, worry about them and mistakenly believe they hold us in the same level of thought.

Don't expect everyone to have the same empathic and friendship values that you do - this hurts when you first think about it, but it’s then a release when you get used to it

Sorry about this OP - life lessons as they say

I'm sorry, it's hard. I do try to be understanding though. Everyone has their own battles and struggles, and may not be able to respond or support as we would hope at the time. I'd find support elsewhere for now and just assume she is not able to support right now. True friends do usually come back.

I don't think a good friend should be judged for not knowing exactly the right thing to say / do, or sounding stilted. It's easy to mistake this for flippancy maybe.

I found myself getting annoyed by people sending brief platitudes, but that was me lashing out when hurting, I think. Not everyone is experienced or comfortable with this.

Thanks for your responses so far- yes I feel it’s disappointing and that’s a good point about lowering expectations.
It’s quite surprising the difference in how friends have acted in this situation and it’s made me rethink the future when she asks to meet up.

Some people don't know exactly what to say, or how to say it. It's dammed if you do, damned if you don't. I've learned to accept acknowledgement in most ways. I've also learned to ask for help when needed. Maybe it's the many life events I've been through. I've lost 6 parents, inlaws and siblings. I sometimes just don't share, it's easier to deal with alone. But we're all different.

It is quite a shock when friends don't react how you imagine they will

This happened to me with one particular friend back in May

I still see her, but I no longer view her as a close, reliable friend

No more expectations of her !

Thanks- that’s exactly it!- it’s changed how I view her and has also made me appreciate the people who have been so kind and supportive.

Yes my ‘best friend’ wasn’t there for me when my Mum was dying. Too wrapped up in her boyfriend and job. Slow to reply to messages (if at all), not checking in with me. We lost contact in the end. I just didn’t feel like a priority to her. Whereas another friend responded with ‘Okay, I need to visit, be 🙈there for you; when can I come, if next weekend okay?’ when I explained. Dropped everything to be there for me.
Times like these you truly know who your friends are. Sorry about your Mum 💐

Do you know what's going on in her life? The lives of everyone you know at present?

Yea, I get it OP.

Friend of 40 years has gone down the rabbit hole with astrology.

It is what it is. Love Astrology but refuse to live my life by it.