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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my dad

10 replies

BaaBaaMa · 05/08/2024 21:58

As the title says, I don't like him. He is a terrible communicator. He makes no effort to see me or my kids. We have seen him 4 times over the last 2 years for birthday/Christmas events that I instigated. He has never looked after them or offered any kind of grandparent help, never taken them out for the day, been there for big events etc.

I did say to DH at Christmas I begrudged that we had to keep a day available for him over the festive period as we get very little time off work & I'd rather be with people (friends) that I see all year.

I found out this week he is in hospital unwell & he has asked I go see him. I don't want to go. I feel nothing. I don't feel upset, scared, worried. If anything, I feel inconvenienced that this person is trying to shoehorn themselves back into my life. I don't have the time. If he was to die, I don't see what difference it would make to me as he isn't in my life anyway.

AIBU - If I don't go visit?

OP posts:
Pinkypinkyplonk · 05/08/2024 22:00

You’re an adult, it’s your choice what you do. But aren’t you even interested in what he has to say? Maybe you could finally have your say

KickHimInTheCrotch · 05/08/2024 22:04

You don't have to visit if you don't want to.

However he doesn't sound awful or unpleasant, he just sounds like he's not particularly interested in maintaining a relationship with you. FWIW my Dad (in his 70s) isn't much interested in spending time with my young children. He cares about them but doesn't much like being around them because he likes to have a quiet life.

I also rarely see him because we've not got much in common and he is very stuck in his ways and can be difficult. But if he were ill I would visit, despite our differences and his apparent lack of interest I want to know that when it came to it I had no regrets and was able to be the bigger person.

Pieandchips999 · 05/08/2024 22:06

You have to follow your own conscience about this. But if your Dad is so ill his life is in danger and he dies you can't take it back. I found it very difficult not being able to see my Dad before he died as he had a sudden death. He had nearly died in the past from other conditions and on the first occasion we had an argument and he told me not to come and I told him it was fine I wouldn't bother. I would have regretted it I think. This is despite him being really domestically and physically abusive. I would have done for my own closure and conscious but I wouldn't criticise someone who made a different decision in the same situation. From what you've said though your Dad is just a bit crap which is a bit different

Sunshineafterthehail · 05/08/2024 22:12

Did you live with him as a dc? I hadn't lived with mine since a year old. We never had much of a relationship at all. He threw himself into being a dgf but his dw hated us all. Sadly he chose her and haven't seen him in 25 years. He doesn't even know how many dgc he has now. I wouldn't go see him if he asked. Maybe you feel the same? If you once had a decent relationship I would go visit...

Original poster
BaaBaaMa · 05/08/2024 22:17

He has other grandchildren that he sees more than once a week. It's not that he doesn't like kids.

We just don't get along. Our relationship is combative. It makes me angry just seeing his name pop up on my phone. I have a history of anxiety, he is a massive trigger.

DH thinks I should go. DS has said he wants to go. DD doesn't. They are both teens so probably old enough to make their own decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaaBaaMa · 05/08/2024 22:19

Yes I did live with him as a child. He had an affair (many I think) & eventually left when he got caught out.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 05/08/2024 22:39

If you don't want to go, don't go. If your son wants to go, you could go for his sake. You've obviously always had a difficult relationship with your dad and now you're an adult you don't have to have a relationship with him at all if you don't want to. I wonder why you've kept contact with him however sporadic. He sees his other grandchildren frequently which I presume means he has a good relationship with your sibling? Is it just a personality clash between the two of you?

Original poster
BaaBaaMa · 06/08/2024 07:41

Noseybookworm · 05/08/2024 22:39

If you don't want to go, don't go. If your son wants to go, you could go for his sake. You've obviously always had a difficult relationship with your dad and now you're an adult you don't have to have a relationship with him at all if you don't want to. I wonder why you've kept contact with him however sporadic. He sees his other grandchildren frequently which I presume means he has a good relationship with your sibling? Is it just a personality clash between the two of you?

Probably because I feel a sense of duty to see him. Because I don't want people to see me as the bitch. It is a fractious relationship with siblings too, they are just a bit more willing to try than I am.

OP posts:
Pinkypinkyplonk · 06/08/2024 08:00

I guess it boils down to what you can live with then, should the wort happen…

Alucard55 · 06/08/2024 08:25

BaaBaaMa · 06/08/2024 07:41

Probably because I feel a sense of duty to see him. Because I don't want people to see me as the bitch. It is a fractious relationship with siblings too, they are just a bit more willing to try than I am.

Show quote history

@BaaBaaMa

I have nothing to do with my mum or dad. If they were to become ill or die tomorrow I wouldn't be interested. I have my reasons why and I don't care what other people think. If you don't want to visit your dad in hospital then don't and don't feel guilty about it.

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