AIBU to expect to coparent amicably?

[Californiadream327]

It’s a pretty long story but I’ll try and make it as short as possible. Split up with my DD’s dad almost 2 years ago, we have a non molestation order in place, that prevents him from contacting me…except for emails regarding contact with our daughter. She is 11.
He’s been spoken to by the police since we’ve had the non mol in place, for his emails not being solely about contact arrangements.

Has now decided that he will not respond to any of my emails, regarding contact and will only arrange contact through DD, 11.
I feel like this is putting a lot of pressure on an already anxious dd and have voiced my concerns via email over a week ago, including sending a voice note sent from her at his house, where she is crying and visibly upset because he won’t tell her what time she’ll be home with me that evening.
its currently school holidays and there are lots of things planned. I emailed on Saturday to try and confirm arrangements for this week, again no reply. So have emailed again and made arrangements and told him what they are.

is it unreasonable to expect a yes or no email back from him regarding contact, or a no with an alternative suggestion?!

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get him to confirm contact with me, the only thing I can think of is stopping any contact between the 2 regarding arrangements by not letting her go if I don’t have confirmation via email.

Is it unreasonable to expect an 11 year to sort all the arrangements, or should I just let them get on with it?

Its not unreasonable and I'd add to confirm with you 48 hours in advance otherwise you will carry on making your plans for those days and DD will not be available. At 11 years I expect to have full oversight of her phone and if his direct communication with her is causing stress to her and he continues, I'd seek legal advice. I wouldn't let them just get on with it as she's not old enough to facilitate her own arrangements and it's causing her worry and you uncertainty.

After no response to my last email, I have sent another saying that he won’t be having her stay on Wednesday night this week as he didn’t confirm plans with me and she has been invited to a sleepover, But offered Thursday night to have her instead, no response. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable with offering time with her, she has a Wednesday night during the holidays and Fri & Sat every weekend.

Well I do think a secondary school aged child could be given a little input into visits and is there any reason why she couldn't have texted her dad to say, sorry dad I can't make Wednesday as I'm going to a sleepover, can I come on Thursday instead. I don't really understand what's making her cry? Your own animosity is standing out and likely fuelling the situation and clouding your own judgement and making her more anxious than she needs to be.

Yes the man's a cunt; you can't change that but you can change your own response to it. Be bright and breezy; if you're not worried or angry or negative then there's no need for your DD to feel those emotions.

And yes I'm sure you'd rather she didn't see her dad but this is the man you chose to procreate with so you have to make the best of a bad situation.

@THisbackwithavengeance this man is abusive, you don't get a non mol for fun. Now he is using his DD to continue to abuse the OP and happy to emotionally abuse his DD. She's 11 and has also been a victim of his abuse via his treatment of the OP.

OP stop contact. He shapes up or ships out. Communication doesn't happen via the child in most cases until around 13. Does she still want to stay etc?

Get one of the 2 court approved Co-parenting apps.

If he has used a solicitor in the past email him & his solicitor that due to his recent abusive behaviour- ignoring non-mol conditions and emotional abuse of DD (list out) that you will only arrange contact via the app and if he doesn't communicate and confirm arrangements and stick to them you will be considering whether it's harmful to DD to continue contact due to his ongoing unacceptable behaviour towards her.