Not coping

[Tired97]

My 5 year old DD has been having screaming melt downs, particularly at bed time. It’s been going on a while but seems to have got worse. She screams, cry’s, thrashes around, throws herself on the floor, hits me in the face and kicks me. She knows not to do this and knows it’s not kind but no matter what I say it keeps happening. She kicked me in the face that hard the other night that I bit my lip and my gum was bleeding.. these meltdowns can happen over very trivial things. Once she gets something in her head that’s it. She also fixated on certain things. I just can’t seem to rationalise with her at all. If things are not how she wants them, for example, if I cut up her sandwich in the wrong way, she kicks off and I just feel like a massive failure. Was in tears tonight. I feel so embarrassed, the neighbours must hear her kicking off at night time and I’m sure I heard them shout. She has a good routine but even if she’s up at 7am she still doesn’t seem tired at bed times. She’s very loving sometimes though but I’m really struggling.

she’s the opposite at school I think. Her school report at end of reception says she’s very quiet member of the class and always follows the lead of others. Often though, the minute we’re out the school gates she is upset and seems to let it out and starts taking it out on me. I just don’t get it. I try and make things fun for her and we have lovely days out, the minute we get home she is grumpy again.

Have you looked into the chance she may be ND? Girls are very good at masking, which is why she would be having no obvious problems at school, however when home may be having meltdowns (it is hard but she would do it there because that is her safe space and you her safe person).
Usually, I don’t want to be that person that goes straight to and Autism/ADHD reasoning and it could very well be other behavioral issues but the fixation and the particularity in wanting things a certain way would ring some bells for me. May be worth a look into!

I found this resource which has a checklist of some things that may be useful to you https://www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Communication-and-interaction/Social-communication-autism/SEN-support-in-school/Autism-in-Girls-checklist.pdf

Thank you @rileyy ive just had a look through that check list and many things listed sound just like my DD. Even the things like dislikes hand dryers. She really doesn’t like when they come on in public toilets and gets really upset. Doesn’t like the hair dryer when I am drying my hair. She will go under her blanket or cover her ears. She has made 1/2 friends this year and her teacher mentioned she struggles to branch outside of these friendships and feels lost when they are off school unwell. I’m just worried that I won’t be listened to as she doesn’t have these meltdowns at school and I know input from school is often requested

Unfortunately this can be true. Girls and women and the way the symptoms present for them are often overlooked. BUT knowledge is power! There are many things you could start to implement in the mean time to help her self regulate and minimise her triggers.

This link has some helpful info on a variety of issues that may be present that influence behavior and some strategies for caregivers:
https://autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

In terms of a formal diagnosis, it may be worth flagging with the school that you suspect there may be some issues and explaining the examples you shared in your OP and just ask them to keep an eye on her and let you know if they notice anything. Again, girls are more often than not expert maskers, so they may not, but it could be worth a shot?

You could also seek a private diagnosis but I recognise that may not be a realistic step to take at this time.

You can actually implement a lot on your own without a formal diagnosis and see if you notice any improvements. Then perhaps in the future seek a formal diagnosis? Often the most challenging change for ND kids is the transition into a high school environment and she’s only 5 so you have time!

Apologies for the essay, I hope some of this helps. x

My eldest had a phase like this when he was a similar age. He is not ND (as far as we can tell) but does have some sensory challenges (textures of food and clothing in particular, crowds and loud noises).
We counted 17 full on meltdowns in one day at his peak. Eventually we came to the conclusion it was rooted in a combination of anxiety (starting school, new baby brother) and emotional immaturity. A few strategies which have worked really well for us were:

• just not engaging when he has a meltdown - acknowledge the big emotions, stay nearby for hugs when he's ready but give him space on his own to figure it out.
• easing off on the battles we pick. There are a few non-negotiables (teeth brushing, going to bed) but I try and ease off as much as I can. Following all the rules at school made it harder for him to follow everything at home I think
• talking afterwards about what reasonable reactions are "was that a big problem or a small problem" etc
• Working out a plan and sticking to it - he needs to know what we're doing for the weekend in advance, finds it more stressful if things are ad hoc

He is much much calmer now (nearly 8) but it took about 6 months to start to see the improvement.

My DD is Autistic but masks at school. At school she's polite and quite and does well. Very different to how she is at home. It's very common for Autistic kids who mask at school to explode in the afternoon at home. I think its possible she is Autistic, but could also be something else. I thought my DDs teachers would be completely unsupportive of the idea she might be Autistic and of having to put time into an assessment, but they were very open to the idea. It really just depends on the individual teacher and how much they know about Autism presentations in kids that mask and girls who can present quite differently.

I really sympathise with you. I would take her to your GP and see if you can get her referred to be assessed. The waiting times can be quite long so I’d do it sooner rather than later.

have a think about what her triggers are. You say about the sandwich being cut the wrong way. Could you ask her what way or get her to ‘help’ cut her sandwich?

What else does she have meltdowns about? Is it when you ask her to do something?

my eldest son was very much like this. Things that helped me was to try and get him involved in the decision making. He still had to do as he was told. However it would be things like I’d get 2 outfits out and he’d choose which one. Or would you like to brush your teeth first or have a bath first. Things like that.
we need to go shopping would you like to help me find things off the list and tick them off?
ND children do need things adapted at times. Sometimes a simple distract and divert does the trick. If they feel like they are involved in the process they manage it a lot better.

another thing I found was a schedule. A simple now and next board. Such as now it’s ’dinner time’ next we can play. At 5 childrens attention spans are quite low. They can also become quite overstimulated. If you can try and break things down into chunks and were possible have 10 min ‘play/ brain breaks.

she might also be holding stress in at school and exploding at home.

Could you make up some sensory activities for when she gets home. So she has that time to decompress? Maybe a small tent with colourful lights and sounds in? You could put some rice/ pasta in a tray. ND are usually very sensory and love playing with uncooked rice and pasta. Pouring it from one tub to another. Or foam. You can even use food colouring to make it more exciting. Or sand. Anything really.
if she struggles with transitions the now and next board would be good along with a timer and object of reference. ‘Child’s name’ in one minute it’s time for dinner (show them symbol from now and next board).

I hope that helps.