To not be sure what I want out of life?

[ComingUpTrumps]

I’m in my early thirties and not really sure what I want out of life. I’m not sure how to get a balance between enjoying my life and getting the most out of it and also being sensible and thinking about the future.

To give some context, I work in the Civil Service at a fairly junior level and have been there for about 5 years. I enjoy working there - the general conditions and benefits are good, I like some aspects of my job and like my colleagues and manager - but am not sure I want to do it for the rest of my career.

I’m also single and pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I would like to get into dating and feel ready to do so, but am nervous about it. I’m worried about possibly getting into an unsatisfying relationship or an abusive one, or about getting into a dangerous situation on a date. And am worried that I just won’t get any interest on the dating apps. I’d like to have children one day, but not for a while.

I’d also like to get on the property ladder soon. I am very lucky to have some money from my family that I can use for my deposit and I should be able to get a decent mortgage with my salary. One issue though is that unfortunately I can’t drive due to medical reasons, so I’ll likely need to live in a decent sized city with good transport links.

Please could you offer any advice on how I can work out what I want from life? I just feel a bit behind and confused about what I want.

You sound very ‘stuck’ for fear of getting something wrong or things not being perfect. Like what’s the issue with buying somewhere to live? Where do you live now? Do you not want to stay? And if you’re early 30s and want children, you don’t have endless time to think about dating and not doing it.

What’s your life like now? Do you have any insight into why you’re so timid? Therapy would help.

Sometimes you just have to go for it, and stop worrying about the what ifs. If you get into a relationship and things aren’t going well you can just end it.

I felt a bit behind too. I think though that holding back from making decisions isn’t always the best option. I wouldn’t worry about potential relationships. Just start dating. Go on apps look for some people you like and arrange to meet in a cafe for a chat. It doesn’t have to be complicated. If you see red flags then move on.
I used to hold back on decisions feeling safe in doing that as if I could pause things but you can’t and I came to realise that not making choices is a choice in itself too.

You have a medical condition serious enough to prevent you from driving.

You aren't in a relationship and don't expect to be in one soon.
OR, if you're thinking about doing it on your own...
You don't have a place of your own (massive safety net).

You're already in your 30s.

You think you want a child "some day".

I think a serious sit down and a hard think about getting on with these plans sharpish or abandoning them altogether is in order.

What are you confused about? You want to date, you want to get on the property ladder. You've stated what you want clearly.

Yes, those are also risky, scary things to do. My own view is that the upside of failure is a more realistic perspective. The more you try, the more you get involved, the more you'll understand about your own situation and what's possible.

Well, in my experience very few people ‘work out what they want’ and then go out there to get it. By and large, life is not like planning a journey, picking a destination and then choosing the best route to get you there. It’s more like a board game. Chance and luck play a huge part. You have to get out there and roll the dice, and make your decisions one by one as they come up, hoping for the best. What you want now may also change in the future. There are no ‘right answers’ and no prizes for waiting around.
If you want to buy a house - get viewing. If you want to meet somebody to have children with - get dating. If you want to try out different jobs - get applying. Just do it. You will make some mistakes but you will learn from them, it will turn out okay :-)

What job or career do you want? What are you good at, what pays reasonably. Did you do online quizzes at school to find out your personality and wear jobs might suit you?

Why haven't you taken careers guidance, a mentor, asked for training and a qualification to get you to the next stage.

Was is there time be scared of re dating. Get out there and enjoy. Don't waste time, find a good husband, a loving relationship and have dc. Don't wait. You need time to enjoy yourself in a relationship first, with partner, before having kids. Don't wait, you as 30 already and it's better to have dc earlier.

You sound anxious and unsure of yourself. Why are you not more confident and sure. Get some counselling. Start another threat and people will suggest good books to read.

Good luck. Get going! Don't wait.

Sounds like you're a bit stuck (and it's hard to work out what you want from life for lots of people.) Would you try some new experiences? Mauve volunteering abroad on holiday or learning a new skill in an evening course?

This book might interest you if you do find change scary.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway amzn.eu/d/imLaVls

It sounds like you're keen to do something about your situation, well done for reaching out ♥️