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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL refusing to speak to me or the kids

14 replies

ImConfusedHelp · 04/08/2024 22:03

DH finally moved out after our marriage deteriorated. MIL is now refusing to speak to not only me but the DC as well! This is very upsetting as my eldest (7) keeps asking for momar and my youngest (3) just seems confused why she no longer sees momar every Sunday morning. I don’t know what to do, DH and I aren’t speaking so I can’t go down the route of asking him to speak to her. I understand she might not want a relationship with me, but it’s her grandchildren. AIBU to think she should still talk to me, and maintain a relationship with the kids?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/08/2024 22:06

Meh, trash took itself out.

Your children will get used to not seeing her. Keep them busy with other things. Doesn’t sound like a massive loss.

Surprisedmystified · 04/08/2024 22:09

I think it's very cruel of her to cut the children off. None of this is their fault. It sounds really cold and unfeeling to take things out on them.
And no matter how she feels about you and how much she wants to support her son she should at least be civil to you, if only to maintain her relationship with her grand children.

HeyTalkToMeGoose · 04/08/2024 22:10

When did he move out?

Give them time I guess

Unfair the work all falls on you but I'm sure they will all come around eventually. Then you hit them with YOUR terms

Hoardasurass · 04/08/2024 22:11

Your stbxh should be maintaining a relationship between your dc and his mum.
In a perfect world your mil would be a grown up however she's clearly backing her son and wants nothing to do with you so when your dc ask for her tell them that dad will take them to see her

Pinkypinkyplonk · 04/08/2024 22:12

Keep them busy, there’s no point forcing a relationship she doesn’t want. Her loss

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2024 22:12

Screw her
Your Dc will be better off without her if thats her attitude

TheSerenePinkOrca · 04/08/2024 22:14

I voted YABU because the kids are 3 and 7, so it's simply a case of distraction techniques so they're none the wiser as to what is going on.

Your MIL will eventually realise she is missing out and get in touch. If she doesn't then it's her loss and she's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Perhaps she wants to see them when your ex has his time with them?

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 22:14

You do need to communicate with your ex so he can step in for the children. If he doesn’t want to do that, it says a lot about what he’s said to her and his plans for the children.

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2024 22:26

I’ve voted you are being U just because if this is her instinct far better that you keep the kids away from her.

I can think of a few ways to explain it to the kids, she’s upset with mummy so she doesn’t want to speak, she’s helping Daddy feel better so she doesn’t want to speak, she’s feeling sad and needs a bit of space. Either way say it’s not their fault but we have to respect her wishes. If you give them a sensible answer I suspect they will
move on. Do they have other relatives they can see to distract them for a bit?

Either way don’t chase her or make an issue, and I’d be very wary about letting her back into their lives without a chat about this- if she’s going to use them against you then she shouldn’t be let in and out of their lives like a revolving door.

Runnerinthenight · 04/08/2024 22:28

Let the pair of them go to hell!!

Noseybookworm · 04/08/2024 22:30

I'd just give it some time if this is all very fresh. It's not great behaviour from her but hopefully your children will get to see her when they're with their dad? Just make an excuse like Granny is very busy at the moment and I'm sure you'll see her soon. Keep them busy and distracted.

RawBloomers · 04/08/2024 22:43

YANBU to think a decent grandparent wouldn't cut their grandchildren off when their son leaves the DGC's mother. But there's nothing you can do about that.

All that's open to you is to chalk it up to experience, do your best to move your DC past it without creating or enhancing any sense of loss or trauma they might get from it, and let it inform your actions in the future.

Start planning other things to do on Sundays. Distraction and new habits are what they need. If she comes back around she'll have to fit into your new routine and what suits you, don't keep time free just in case.

If the DC specifically ask then tell them that sadly their DGM isn't able to see them at the moment but you don't know why. As they get older you can be more clear that it's that Grandma stopped contact but you don't know why.

I would probably keep up some form of one-sided contact, like the odd text with photos and a Christmas card from the kids (not you) for the first year or so. Just to give her a way back in, because grandparents can be great for kids and your DC seem to have loved her. But if she keeps it up for longer I'd stop. You wouldn't want her trying to swing back into the kids' lives after too long without proving she was going to be more constant and dependable.

StaunchMomma · 04/08/2024 22:57

What an awful thing to do to your kids!

I guess she's thinking she'll get to see them when ex has them for visitation.

No need to refuse to even speak to them in the interim, though.

GreyBeeplus3 · 04/01/2026 21:49

She doesn't care about you so she wont care about the kids either, especially as he left you. Petty is as petty does and you're better off without a meanie like that in your life
Just keep the kids busy and they'll soon thrive in a much better atmosphere with mum

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