To have left my husband

[Sweetandsour85]

I was with my husband for 9 years, we have a 4 year old son together. I have recently moved out as I was unhappy, mainly due to his drinking and other things.
His cons:
Functioning alcoholic but won't admit he's an alcoholic because he doesn't drink during the day and can work full time.

Drinks 4 to 6 cans of beer every night then more on the weekend. When he does have an alcohol free night, he needs to have stuff in place to do to take his mind off it and occupy himself and needs me to support him in this whether it be we go out shopping or just something else so that he is distracted.

Noone knows he drinks like this so when someone spontaneously visits us, we don't answer the door and have to pretend we aren't in as he doesn't want anyone to see him drinking.

A couple of times I have had to bring our son to A and E and my husband couldn't drive us or come as he had been drinking.

His Pros:
He's not abusive or aggressive when drinking

He's a good dad and a decent person underneath it all

He would never cheat and I totally trust him and know he would never go with another woman

He works and pays majority of the bills as he earns more than me

But I am just tired of living like this and I don't want his drinking to be a recurring theme in my life for the next 30 years if I stay with him.I will always be trying to monitor it, it will never go away, and even if he was to miraculously go sober and teetotal ( no chance of this tbh!) then I would still always have the worry of him falling off the wagon.
Am I being unreasonable to not want to live this way anymore and to have left him?

You can't change him, but you can protect yourself and your child, so youve done the right thing.

You've done the right thing. Best wishes for the new future you've opened up for yourself

Well done. You are very brave and strong to have made the decision to leave

Personally I love a drink. I would drink every day if I didn't have to do things. So I am not going to be a hypocrite and slate him. However, two things stand out. One he drinks 4 - 6 cans per night in the week. That's not a huge amount, but the fact that he feels he needs to hide it is a strange reaction and makes me think he's actually drinking during the day and topping up at night.
Secondly, you are tired of it. If I drank 6 cans per night I wouldn't be that drunk. When I drank more than I do now (only a couple of years ago) I could easily drink 5 pints of cider, a bottle of wine and a short and be fairly ok....the body builds a tolerance. Therefore, again I think he's drinking at other times.
You need to leave if you can't or rather won't continue with this life. It will be better for you and your son in the long run. Drunks don't get better to live with until they are ex drunks.

It might be time to address the elephant in the room for you.

You're free..... enjoy it

4-6 cans a night IS a huge amount.

OP, I couldn’t live like that either. The amount of time and money wasted on booze would drive me mad.

YANBU You shouldn't have to hide from people who visit. It's better to leave now than in a few years.

4-6 cans of beer a night then more at the weekend is, at the low end, 60+ units a week and at the high end far over a 100. By any measure, other than possibly that of someone else with an alcohol issue, that's a hell of a lot of booze. That's not just a bit over the recommended amount, it's multiple times more.

It's very sad to see people do this to themselves but at the end of the day they're making a choice about how they want to live their life and what their priorities are. We then have to make the really hard choice about whether we can face living with someone like that, or not.

One thing about the "functioning alcoholic" - over the years of going to Al-Anon I've heard a lot of stories about alcoholics. There's a noticeable trend I've picked up that a lot of functional alcoholics can more-or-less keep it together until they hit their 40s. At that point the years of alcohol abuse is starting to really take its toll they can quite quickly descend into non-functioning. I know that anecdotes don't equal data so I'm not saying it's a universal thing but it's maybe something to be aware of.

I am so proud that you walked out. You will never change him. stay away and let your little one live in an alcohol free enviroment.

I don’t think anyone needs a “good reason” for leaving a relationship. Not wanting to be in the relationship is reason enough.

If you can happily on your own, then it’s fine.🙂

You have 100% done the right thing for your child, you cannot fathom how damaged children of alcoholic (functioning or otherwise) end up being.

He's not a 'good dad' if he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem and can't help to take his child to A and E because he has been drinking too much. Just because he doesn't beat you up when he's drunk doesn't mean it's not a damaging environment for your child, you've definitely done the right thing getting yourself and your child out of that situation. A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic, hopefully he gets help for his sons sake but please don't go back while it's not a good place to be for your child.

Agree with the others: you have done the right thing. In your account of life with your dh you described an awful situation—his “functionality” came down primarily to being able to hold down a well paid job.

Other than that he wasn’t functional at all: he couldn’t help you when your child went to A and E. He got so shitfaced at home that to protect him you had to reject social life and pretend not to be home?

OK he wouldn’t cheat on you (probably) with another woman but drinking probably decreased his sex drive anyway—snd he gave more of himself to drink as his mistress than he would have to any other bit on the side.

Good for you for getting out. Your children will thank you one day.

The long term health implications of drinking that amount would concern me.

When you're not there to prop him up you'll see exacting how functioning he is.

Your list of pros, with the exception of paying the majority of bills, is really the bare minimum that I would expect from an adult, let alone a partner. It definitely is not enough to stay for. In fact it sounds like you may have struggled to scrape together a few 'positive' elements (although they're neutral, in reality) about him just so that the list wasn't entirely cons...

Well they say you can’t have a relationship with alcohol and another person and it sounds as though he was choosing alcohol so you’ve done the right thing getting out.

Thanks but I love a drink. In the last 10 days I've had 3 cans of larger. Non alcoholic larger a plenty. I am on call for at least 7 days a month so don't drink then, also don't drink Monday to Thursday, often have a Friday off too.

I'm a drinker not an alcoholic. I stop when I want, start when I want.

I don't gamble though because I became aware I might have an issue with that when I was a teenager

You have done the right thing. He will only stop drinking if and when he wants to ..