Feeling stuck in a rut. AIBU to ask for advice?

[GoldOnyx]

I’m in my early thirties, living in London and feeling stuck with: my living situation, my job and being single. I’d appreciate some advice please.

I have had therapy in the past to work through some of these things, and I don’t think it would be helpful for me to go back to therapy right now - or that I necessarily need it. And I also can’t really afford it :/

I think a lot of my issues I’ve set out below relate to fear and anxiety. I’m actually not an anxious person, but these things I set out below are all quite big decisions - in various ways- and I want to try and make the right decision for me, and find that hard to do.

In terms of my living situation, I rent with housemates. I’m lucky to be in a position to buy a place of my own, and I feel ready to do that. I’ve listed the pros and cons of that below:

Pros:

• Would be paying into mortgage, getting more stability, rather than just paying money to landlord every month
• Will have my own space
• Can decorate house to my liking
• Very lucky that my family are in a position to be able to contribute to my deposit, which puts me in a position to actually be able to afford to buy somewhere (and I have a relatively stable job, so I think I will definitely be able to get a mortgage)

Cons:

• Not sure where I will live:

my job is based in London and I love living in London: can’t drive for medical reasons, so would prefer to stay in London if possible, but I know it’s very, very expensive to buy a property in London. I could afford it, but I really want to live somewhere that’s got good transport links and is a nice area, and don’t just want to buy somewhere for the sake of it and be miserable. I find the idea of looking for a house a bit overwhelming. I’ve been trying to do it for 3-5 years, but not seriously, and I just keep putting it off. My budget is £650k.

• Would like a house rather than a flat, to avoid issues like leases and ground rent etc
• A bit apprehensive about living alone:

would prefer not to have a lodger though, as I find that quite risky for various reasons - and it’s also a lot of work and responsibility to have a lodger. I just worry about being more isolated, as I’ve always lived with housemates, but I’ll make an effort to go into the office more and to socialise more.

Now onto my job, which is the public sector, but I’ve been quite vague about it, so as not to be too outing:

Pros:

• Stable job
• Really good colleagues and manager
• Find the work challenging and often interesting (but a bit difficult and dry at times), and I’ve learned a lot, but would definitely prefer a different role
• Good benefits (very good pension and maternity leave package, and I would like kids in the future: I’m aware the benefits might change in the future though). I’ll think about the pension benefits I’ve built up so far - which aren’t that much in the grand scheme of things, but feel pretty good - and that will make me want to stay in the organisation
• Would also like to stay in my organisation as I love the overall work it does, but I just want to find the right role really - there are lots of roles im sure I’d like the look of. And I can take a sabbatical if I stay in the organisation - and there are also some opportunities to work abroad, although they are competitive - which I would love to do.
• I can just carry on in this role indefinitely - I’m scared to move to a new role in case it is worse. I’m scared of being unhappy. I just find it really hard to be brave and change my life when I’m stuck in a rut. Lots of my colleagues move around around a lot, but I find it really hard to and I know that’s doing me a disservice

Cons:

• Salary is less and less attractive; it’s okay but not really enough to live in London
• Want to experience a new role somewhere else (e.g. elsewhere in the organisation I work in, or maybe in thee private sector). I know the salary in the private sector will probably be quite a bit higher, but the annual leave and flexi time and pension and maternity leave will be much less generous, and I don’t want to give them up.
• Scared of applying for new roles as it’s so much work. And applying for roles in my organisation is quite time-consuming as it’s such a specific application style. Although I realise applying for roles anywhere is time consuming.

Now onto being single/my love life/meeting someone:

Pros:

• Feel ready and excited to start dating

Cons:

• Very scared of dating and meeting someone, as I’m quite inexperienced
• Don’t want to be hurt, although I know that’s part and parcel of dating
• Want to find the right person, but scared of how to judge whether I’ve found the right person
• Lazy and easy to put off the thought of dating and just not think about it - because I’m scared about the idea of it - but I also know I’m not getting any younger and I’d like to meet someone and enjoy being with them for a bit and also have kids one day
• Worried about the worst case scenario- e.g. being in an abusive relationship or a very unhappy relationship

Very grateful for any advice please. Thank you so much.

Just bumping in case anyone can advise please.

It's quite a lot to take in and it sounds as though you want someone to hold your hand and also you are quite scared of change... Being uncomfortable about change is normal but when it stops you from moving forward it can become pathological.
We all want to live in a nice area with good transport links and have the house of our dreams. But it is not realistic for a lot of people. What is realistic for you, we won't know until you start looking properly. The house doesn't have to be your forever home. You can change it any time.
The job doesn't have to be your forever job either. If you don't like the new place, than you apply for something different. I am not sure how scary it really is to spend time to apply. A lot of work is annoying and nobody likes to do these applications but I would hardly call it "scarry".
You are probably inexperienced in relationships because you are scared to take a risk in this are as well. Again, your relationship does not have to be something permanent. You will know you found the right one when it feels easy and exciting at the same time. But you will possibly have to go through a couple of "meh" ones before you get there.
You don't have to be in an unhappy relationship, you can leave at any time.
Overall, I think you do need to continue with counselling. Often, public service workers have access to well-being services through their employer if you can't afford a therapist. Although with 650k and no plans to immediately buy a house, I think you could probably invest in working through these difficulties with a professional.

Apply for an Expression of Interest for a temporary change of role or even a promotion , it’s a much simpler application process

You are contemplating changes to almost every area of your life. I would suggest one at a time!

I would say you should sort a mortgage out first. If you have been in your current job a while it shows stability.

What length of commute would you be prepared to do? An hour on a mainline train can take you quite a distance out of London and potentially mean lower house prices - but you have to factor in the season ticket cost and how you get to and fro your home station if you don't drive.

Once you have sorted out your home then look at the other stuff. If you don't want a lodger then what about a mature student if you end up near a uni?

But one thing at a time!

Thanks very much all - I appreciate it. I think I’ll look into counselling options offered by my work, as I think it would be helpful to do a couple of sessions to work out the cause of why I feel apprehensive at taking the steps to make the changes I’ve mentioned in my OP. I think I’ll start looking at new jobs and also look at houses to see what my options are.

I just feel quite demotivated as well. I feel like I used to be very driven, and I feel like I’ve lost that since the pandemic. I’d like to regain my drive and motivation and also lose some of that fear.