Role of step grandparents

[TwizzleDee]

Not entirely sure what the AIBU is but I want to avoid BU..

Our son is married to a lovely lady who has 1 older teenager that has no relationship with their Dad but is very close to all 4 Grandparents. Then 2 younger kids with their first husband who have a amicable shared custody arrangement and again, these kids have a close relationship with all 4 Grandparents.

DH and I love them all and always make sure to treat the kids whilst being mindful not to tread on toes as we aren't their Grandparents. I see our role as more like special aunts/uncles in the shadows that will always be there for them.

Now here is my AIBU, DS and DIL are having a baby soon, their first child together. As this will be a Grandchild for us, we want to help out with buying the pram, high chair (basically whatever they would like us to buy) and when the time comes, babysitting, treat days to the beach etc. I have wonderful memories of my Grandma and would love to create similar memories for new Grandchild to cherish when I'm long gone!

I would hate the other children to feel we are treating their half sibling more favourably though even though they have their own set of 4 Grandparents. Is there a general etiquette? How do to I tread this minefield as I would never want to cause animosity but also want to be able to ensure the new baby has his own set of 4 Grandparents like the other kids do.

How do other Mumsnetters handle this?

I’d just have a chat with your son and his wife and say exactly what you’ve said here. You’re being considerate of her children and their feelings whilst also being super excited at the thought of grandchild. See what they say, imagine they’d totally understand why you’d want to get baby higher ticket items like a pram etc and wouldn’t be offended that for example you hadn’t bought her other children similar sized things. As you say they also have grandparents to treat them so they aren’t missing out and it sounds very much like you already include them in the family at your side too.

Children can never have too many people to love them ❤️

Think of yourself more as 'bonus', rather than 'step'. Decide how you want to treat your grandchild. And treat all the kids the same. I think you cant go wrong with talking to your son and DIL about your concerns and see what they think. I think it is lovely that you are concerned. One of my best friends growing up was my horrible step mothers lovely father.

Kids can’t have too much love. I love that you are thinking about this and not doing the whole “stepkids aren’t family” that usually happens on MN! I met DH when DSD was 2 and his parents are sadly both dead so my parents have taken on the role of grandparents on “dads side” since then. We are TTC now and I know Mum will want to buy a pram etc - it’s not different treatment it’s just that she wasn’t around for DSDs babyhood! They will treat DSD equally to any biological grandchild in day to day life, Christmas, birthday, etc.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting to get it right and not tread on anyone's toes. It sounds like all the children in the family are lucky to have you in their lives.

The only comment I would make is that taking on a grandparent type of role for step-grandchildren doesn't have to push anyone else out. My own in-laws asked me if it was OK for them to call themselves Nanny and Grandad to my young son when my DH and I had first moved in together. They already had a grandchild of their own and he also has 5 grandparents through myself and his dad (Inc. his father's stepmum who he also views just as much as a grandmother). That really meant a lot to me when they asked and they have always treated him the same as their other grandchildren. It's just extra people to love the children and be part of their life.

@TwizzleDee you sound absolutely lovely. I’m a step mum, and my parents were in a similar position to you. They have treated my step son the same as their own grandchildren. They have been generous with both time and money, while trying not to step on any toes. My step son has huge respect for them and clearly loves them very much. He’s an adult now and they have a very special relationship that has developed over the years. I think you’re doing everything right and all the children are very lucky to have you in their lives.

I love you. Those children (all of them) are so lucky to have you in their lives.

This is so nice! Your sons wife will be made up if you included her children in plans etc. I know I would! I'm in a very similar situation and my DD gets treated very differently by my DPs parents compared to their other grandchildren.

You sound like lovely people for all the grandchildren to have in their lives.