Working and teen childcare

[MrsCarterS112]

Just interested into how people juggle working and teens.
I work 9-5 and the odd few hours on a Sunday. I work 2 towns away. My dd13 feels I am unfair as when I work I want her to be in at ours or a friends not out and about, as I need to be nearby.
she says this restricts her a lot. I say tough luck!

i am single no real help and it’s honestly stressing me out this summer hols. What does everyone else do?

I’d have no chance keeping her in 5 times a week and wouldn’t want to.
the difference is obviously there is less danger inside for example risk from others however she has always called me if any issues and iv always said go in a shop and stay there and call me if anything was to happen

I thinks it's far too OTT. She's 13, home much longer do you need her nearby.
Eventually she may push back and lie about where she is as you're too restrictive. Give her some freedom with sensible times and boundaries.

I've seen it happen first hand and the young person lost all her friends and then pushed back hard against any restrictions.

No unfortunately she won’t
I do let her have friends round but she wants a big group of them round and although I trust her I’m not sure about the others! I worry they would get up to all sorts!

You are assuming I haven’t been a single parent bringing up 2 children myself. I have, with zero input from their father and live quite far away from my parents. I know what it’s like.

i am not attacking. But I don’t think you reasoning make sense. You say if she has an emergency outside the house you can’t get to her quickly enough from work. But she could just as easily have an emergency, at home, and you would still be in the next town, half an hour away.

And that’s my AIBU. I’m so used to doing things a certain way I just worry if I’m doing that and it’s risky!

Talk her through what to do. If she approached a security guard because there was a possibility of a fight, they would let her sit somewhere until someone got there. Surely if they stay in a group, someone would be available? I think that while she is only 13 it's the ideal time to learn because there is a duty of care in shops etc and people will help younger teens.

I'm a single parent who works, my son is 13 and he goes out with his friends while I'm at work. I just ask him to text to let me know where is going. I think you need to let her have a bit more responsibility and freedom.

True

Yes I know and that’s why I’m posting I realise it’s time to do ThT ut just feels really scary

I lived in a city with an ongoing sequence of serious earthquakes when my daughter was around 13, so I understand where you are coming from.

However, and I genuinely mean this in a compassionate way, it is not fair to unnecessarily clip our children's wings because of our fears.

To me, the best thing we can do, is let them extend themselves in an age appropriate manner, giving them the tools to manage situations for themselves.

Having the location app is a godsend - we didn't have that at the time! Making an agreement as to what time is a hard stop for time to be home, making sure that she calls you before going out, letting you know where she's going, who she is with, when she will be back.

Discussing with her scenarios such as unwelcome approaches and what to do in that instance.

Also, no matter where we were, or what we were doing, we made sure she knew that in an emergency, she could call, no questions asked, and we would stop what we were doing, and go and get her. If someone was closer, we would call them, to go and get her and we would get to them as soon as we could.

I also made sure that they knew this kind of trust and freedom at this age, was a privilege, not a right, and if they abused it by not abiding by the rules, or by getting into trouble, or up to mischief, it would be smartly, and severely, removed.

DS could go out and about while I worked from age 11.

Good lord, you are being over bearing and ridiculous. She is 13 not 3/ My parents went abroad and left me to fend for myself when i was 14. It didn't faze me because i had been brought up being taught how the world works.

I worked fairly locally so I left ds to it when he was 13, but came home for lunch, more to keep him company than to keep an eye on him.

Or if he went out, he took his phone and I'd ring him if I want to check he's ok. To be honest though, at 13 he was capable of dealing with a cut hand, a bad headache etc. He called an ambulance once when I collapsed so he's fairly sensible and knew what to do in an emergency.

If your dd has a phone and knows the neighbours, I'd expect her to cope ok.

The use of language on this post is unnecessarily aggressive. I understand your concerns, OP, and I know others in real life who would too, because I chat to them about similar things. I don’t really have an answer, but felt that the thread needed balance against some of the unkind responses. You are not being ‘ridiculous’.

Most parents I know would have the same concerns, just when their children were a year or two younger. By 13, the children would all be coming and going as they wished in the daytime, just letting parents know the general area or activity.

You can't make a 13 year old stay at home just because you have to work!

Surely she's been going into town with her mates alone for the last couple of years anyway?

I have a 14 year old and also work 30 miles away in a different city, I don’t allow mine to be ‘out’ while I am at work. I try to work at home as often as I can but if not then they come with me or stay indoors. More than welcome to have friends over.
Everyone has their own rules that’s mine and my child is fine with them and understands the reasons why.

You’re the issue here OP. Your DD is 13 and old enough to take herself out and about in town etc with friends. Why do you need to be close? Of course she’s bored if you’re not allowing her out of the house during the day without silly rules. Relax a bit and allow your child to actually enjoy her summer.

When my DD was that age (and still, now she's 15), I gave her an 'emergency' £20 note to keep in her phone case. That was enough for her to get a taxi home, in case of anything unexpected.
She's never had to use it, and the same note is still in her phone case, but it gives both of us peace of mind.

Would doing that help?

My DD is slightly older and this is probably the first year she's been a lot more independent going in and out during the holidays. Some places she wants to go, eg the beach do worry me more! Luckily this one hasn't happened yet! She does walk into town, round to friends/park etc or gets a bus to next nearest town.

It has been hard to not worry but I know it's good for her to be independent. We have life 360 so I can have a quick look to check where she is if needed. We also have a ring camera which I find reassuring in hols and term time as my phone will buzz and I know she's home etc.

We have found she had loads of plans to do this and that but quickly realised she didn't have the money to do it all!! She mostly ends up at friends houses instead!

Mine go out with friends if I'm at work. Or stay in, whatever they want. Have been doing that since about 12. I think what my dc are doing in summer holidays with friends is invaluable - swimming, cycling in the woods, going shopping in our town, getting train to nearby city, parks, skate parks, just hanging out with friends. Great for their independence and I have found that at their ages now, 15&13, hanging out doing whatever with friends is their preference over whatever exciting trip I can think of. I'm trying a cruise this year, to see if they'd rather do that with me than go in o town with their friends but I doubt it, and that's fine.
My point is, Yabu, it's not fair to make a 13 yr old stay home.

Thank you that’s really helped x

Thank you. Some really helpful answers on here but also like you say very aggressive and name calling responses. I simply love my daughter and want her to be safe and am trying to reach a balance

Why are people being so horrible and rude to the OP?
Yes, our children need to learn independence and prepare for growing up.

Unfortunately there are some disturbed and dangerous people in the world. Our children are so precious. It would be abnormal not to worry surely?