Can't see the point of this holiday

[lurchersforever]

Currently on a trip with my two teen boys using rail to visit three European cities. We are just under halfway through the two weeks and in the second city.

On paper it's an ideal trip and the sort of thing we usually do. I love the apartments we're in and the first was also lovely. Boys had a hand in planning the trip and have had their moments but mainly been fine/good.

But I just feel so weary and it all feels pointless and horribly expensive. I can afford it but with them both about to go to uni in the next five years it feels wasteful. I feel like we're dragging ourselves around looking at stuff that only one ds really cares about (history fanatic) while the other one is counting down to the next phone stop. I feel on the verge of tears half the time but not because they've done anything awful.

It's been an utterly awful year at work and issues aren't resolved so maybe that's why. Has anyone else felt this way on holiday? All I can see is another 8 days of paying out money for things that no one/some of us don't even want. I've loved being a single parent to them over the last decade and especially the holidays we've done. But now I just feel lonely yet also sad it's probably one of the last such holidays even though I'm not really liking it!

We just did a 8-day travelling type holiday (which I pretty much organised) with our uni student DCs and it was enough! We saw some great things, but I felt we needed a proper restful holiday afterwards 😆
We did do a US travel type holiday pre covid but that was longer with a relaxing part in the middle. I think that few days of relaxation is key.

It sounds like a full on time away...you noticed I didn't use the term 'holiday', because it's not. A holiday should be relaxing and involve being out and about. You need some down time, to sit and actually relax! Otherwise, you'll be going home for a rest!! You need to incorporate what you'd like into a holiday, as well as your children. If you want a few days by the beach and pool, then your children need to respect that the time away is for all of you, and accept that. I'm off to the Greek of Kos in a couple of weeks, with my husband and 13 year old son - we have some 'sitting by the pool' time planned, an excursion to Turkey, we're hiring a car so we can explore the island and another excursion to a volcanic island nearby. History, a bit of geography, visiting another country and relaxing will be involved.

If you're planning things that actually none of you want to do, then just don't do it. I like city break type holidays, but I'm a great believer in building in days for just chilling out or, at most just a gentle exploration of the area around where you're staying.

Oof sounds tough - 2 weeks is a long time tbf. But also, you are on hols so if you are not up and showered it is OK to be on a go-slow.

Anyway, if you haven't already, you should read 'Us' by David Nicholls. (If you can find it as a holiday read even better!) It's about a European Grand Tour with a reluctant teen. Some of it will resonate am sure!

Have you sons suggested anything in particular they would like to do? Mine searched TikTok for ideas when I went away with them. Maybe quirky places to eat/chill out in/Insta worthy places? Or some activity they could both enjoy but you could watch?

@MsVestibule

it doesn’t sound like a great holiday at all. It’s not what op wants or needs - she needs relaxation.

The only thing I can say OP is that your experience is not unusual - I have several friends who are currently on family holidays with children of various ages, and I have had a few tearful phone calls due to children and husbands wrecking my friends' heads. No doubt I too will also be grinding my teeth in three weeks time.

I am starting to think we put too much value on family holidays, and build too much expectation on them? Sometimes that last minute weekend at Butlins Minehead turns out to be the one everyone enjoys most.

We’ve just come back from a 2 week trip with our 16yp ds and although it went well, it highlighted that ds is not my little boy any more. And he probably would prefer to be spending time with his friends and girlfriend. I found it really hard but gradually adjusted during the holiday. And accepted that we both needed to do our own thing.

Oh and if you want a beach /pool holiday OP - book one! You deserve it! @lurchersforever

I would try to find one thing per day that you enjoyed on the holiday

Secondly, stop thinking about the children going to university & enjoy being in the NOW !

Perhaps a quiet coffee

An icecream

A family photo

As a family we play a game, what was the best thing that you saw that day, it can be something odd, something funny
We each have to say something at the end of the day
Some graffiti
A beautiful street pigeon
A street performer
A lego statue
Musician
Weird food

I'd either just come home and have a chill out week at home for your 2nd week, or get yourself to a beach (maybe near somewhere with some history - history stuff is usually not far away anywhere in Europe) eg. one of the Italian lakes or Croatia or something? Or come back to the UK, and find a beach for a week here - the weather's pretty good in the UK now. Don't fall for the "sunk cost fallacy" - better to cut your losses if you're not happy.

I'm saying this because we've usually done your type of "holiday" and we went a bit mad after covid, doing loads of travelling around type holidays, but this summer, I couldn't be arsed, I couldn't even be arsed with flying anywhere. I don't normally like relaxing on a beach, but younger DD felt the same (and she sounds very similar to your younger DS, probably similar age) and said she just wanted a British seaside holiday, so that's what we booked (for 1 week), and it was actually lovely. Just sat on the beach most of every day, with a pile of good books, soaking in the beautiful scenery, dipped in the sea every time I got too hot, went mackerel fishing, did a coastal walk, looked around a couple of castles for my DH history nerd, pottered around the lovely seaside town and treated ourselves to ice-creams, the usual stuff. There were also other activities like paddle boarding & canoeing on offer.

It sounds like a fairly reliable formula has stopped working. It's disappointing but you may as well accept it. Just do some ordinary activities like you do at home. Shopping, buy cheap football and go to park, cinema, local outdoor pool, go supermarket and cook a meal with different ingredients, if you have facilities, coffee, journaling, new book for any readers?

OP, sounds to me as if you're exhausted. These kind of rail-multi-stop holidays involving daily sightseeing and juggling trains and rental apartments require a massive amount of energy and thought. You're doing it for your DSs, but I can't imagine this is what you need. No wonder you're having second thoughts. And yes: paying for access to all those sights and eating out etc does add up and get really expensive when you're the one paying for three adults.

Sympathies OP. My dd is almost 15 and hates almost everything I love about holidays - the sun, foreign food, strolls along the beach etc etc. Last year's cruise was the best by far and suited us all. I'm limiting non cruise holidays to 4 nights max, we did 4 nights in Budapest recently and that was enough. Your teens sound fairly amenable so try and carve out some time doing something you enjoy, it doesn't have to be about them all day everyday.

@lurchersforever

Feel lucky that you have a job which you take for granted. Hundreds of thousands were made redundant and it is almost impossible to find a job. Feel lucky that you have work and can afford holidays.

Can't you do a day doing stuff like going to the cinema? (Most places show English language films)

Or an escape room. Or a virtual city treasurers hunt. I did all those across Europe and Asia.

I agree with previous posters, it's a good idea to schedule in some down time.

Plan a quiet day of rest. I'd go to a local market/ supermarket / shop & buy in nice breakfast & lunch stuff for tomorrow.

Tell the boys they can have a lie in & go on their phones.

You can have a long lie in & a leisurely breakfast. Have a little local area stroll for a coffee. Act like you're living in that area for a day or couple of days. Accept that you cannot see a whole city in just a few days no matter how much you plan.

Have a siesta & order in dinner using Uber eats. Let everyone chill for a day or two. Recharge your batteries

Decide between you what the absolutes are & just visit those.

You will be glad to have this time & these memories of traveling with them.

Everyone is right I think that I do need a rest. Luckily I'm a teacher so will have almost 3 weeks to do just that when I get back. I think part of the problem was that we came away 3 days after breaking up, which was too soon. I was also exam marking and it's overran and is still going on so I'm getting emails and phone calls which is making me anxious and guilty as I could have earned more had we come away later.

Everything feels so complicated- we've just spent an hour looking at whether it's worth us getting a city pass but both boys have selected stuff they want to do, as have I, and one activity is basically a park with ferris wheel, so low-key.

Today is just a walk and then ds1 going on his own to some giant Palace/museum thing that I can't face while ds2 and I sit in a park/cafe, then we'll eat at home.

I just know if we were at a pool / beach boys would be bored and on phones and I would feel anxious / guilty about that. I just wish I had the knack of being in the moment and not over-thinking but I never have had, and it's definitely worse than ever recently.

My sister and BIL took their kids to one of those sports/ activity hotel holidays at this stage. My sister would enjoy the pool and sitting in the sun with the occasional game of tennis or aquarobics session while the teens and often my BIL would be off kayaking, snorkelling, windsurfing or playing paddle tennis or going cycling.

At the end of a busy term with marking hanging over you, the last thing you need is to be trying to work out whether a local bus pass makes financial sense or not and what you can make for dinner.

Peri menopause might be a factor in increasing anxiety. Can you find an English language movie to go see? Or tell people where you are and get some ideas.

I have close teacher friends just like you, and they seem hell bent on filling every moment with something educational, when in fact you do need to teach your children how to decompress, unwind, read a book, listen to the birds, feel the water on their skin. To take a break from life.

We went away with said friends, and it was scheduled 247 with 'activities' and it was beyond exhausting. She said the same as you, that she felt too guilty and like a bad parent if she allowed them on the screens too much, so they just kept up the relentless holidays, relentless term time clubs and activities and school - and eventually her dd burnt out, was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks and an ED. They have been forced to slow down now as she is so ill. There are consequences to never stopping op. You will end with a whole spectrum of MH issues and so will your children.

It is not a sin to stop and breathe, to swim, to read and to chill out. The world will not end if your kids enjoy screen time - you can always limit the use and encourage them to make their own entertainment, make friends, read or chat with you. We take cards on holiday and games for around the pool.

Please stop.
Take a breath.
Let your children learn how to take care of themselves.

Taking care of your well being is also educational, and should be part of the curriculum in my view.

I am not being critical about your desire to see historical landmarks and fill your time with interesting and stimulating outings, but there does need to be a balance.

I think I know the feeling you are describing op when the holiday is ok but something feels a bit like meh what’s the point.
We are a family with teenage children and tend to repeat the same holiday year after year as we have found our perfect place where everyone is happy, devices are mostly forgotten and everything is easy. No waking up having to figure things out. However, we receive some reverse snobbery criticism for it as it’s a theme park holiday (Florida). We have travelled far and wide to other places, tried many countries and this holiday is just the best for us, there is no denying it. For me other holidays feel a bit like what you’re describing , they are “nice” and great but often hard work and I’d rate them 6/7 out of 10 max. When we go to Florida it’s always 10/10 and simply perfect. So I’ve learned my lesson to not overthink and just go where we all have actual fun.

I have no advice just wanted to share that I sometimes get the same feeling on holidays if they are the wrong type of trip for us.

That's not very helpful.

Agree with this. My DS loved going on holiday, but he needs home comforts around him. A bag of Lego, bath toys (being ND he was playing with bath toys almost into his teens) then it was his Nintendo DS and phone.

I always made sure he had down time every day to chill and once he got to secondary school, if he wanted to stay in the caravan on his phone while we went for a walk into town for an ice cream, then that was fine (and quite nice for us).

Don't overfill the days, it's a holiday not an educational trip 🙂