pls help i just swore at autistic ds14

[sworn]

IABU i know, I apologised already but feel really shitty
Hoping someone can tell me things will get better

DS14 is currently refusing most food i cook and all food DH touches and mostly refuses to cook for himself. He just mostly just wants junk food and takeaways. I am unemployed and can't afford all the eating out but this message does not sink in. I've tried so hard to show him how cooking for yourself is nicer and healthier but, especially in the holidays, its so hard to cater to his ever changing tastes multiple times a day. I am supposed to be studying and job hunting. Today, after arguing that there's nothing wrong with oreos and cola he then said the house was too messy to cook nice things in. It's not that there's such a huge mess but he refuses to help with any tidying up at all. I kind of lost it when he complained about the mess, I just walked away and said 'fuck you' kind of under my breath.

anyone managed to find a way out of a situation like this?

You are human you know !

Well, not ideal but I’d have certainly been close to it myself.

I’ve a friend with 2 sons (also have autism) who sound very similar. Her rational is sometimes, like all teenagers, they can be just really fucking difficult and she tries to give herself some grace if she lacks patience occasionally.

The situation sounds quite exhausting with the food - have you got any support? Sounds like you’re trying to juggle a lot at the moment. Be kind to yourself x

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

So you didn't even swear at him? You just muttered it under your breath as you walked away. You have the patience of a Saint but you are still human. You are clearly under a lot of stress with the job hunting and financial situation before adding in your son's food issues and his rudeness about the house/his own mess. Give yourself a break.

You didn't swear at him, if it was under your breath and walking away. Do you think he heard you?

It's ok to sometimes remove yourself from the situation and find somewhere you can have a momentary sweary release, before composing yourself.

Do you have any support from HCP in relation to his autism and food issues?

You're only human
Puberty can be an exceptionally tough time.
Sometimes you need to make it clear that they're being bloody unreasonable. How would thay know otherwise? If he's aware enough to complain about mess then tell him to get stuck in and tidy up.

It’s ok for your kid(s) to know they are being difficult / annoying or that life is difficult, even if they are autistic. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s very hard bringing up kids especially if there is SEN / neurodiversity in the picture. I try to say things like, “You are acting like a fucking idiot” rather than you “You are an idiot” or a generic FFS rather that something that directly belittles them and they will hold against me forever more…

Probably normal teenage stuff, try not to worry about it. My teen is currently practically feral and, honestly, I just let her fend for herself. If she wants to have "breakfast" of dry toast at 4 pm, I let her. There is no point in arguing and she won't die of starvation.
We offer meals and it's anyone's guess whether she'd take us up on it. We definitely don't go out of our way to provide takeaways. Remembering myself at that age, I lived on midnight tea and toast during school holidays. My 16 y/o cousin is currently in his "milk and cucumbers" stage. I think teens are just a bit lazy and go with the easiest option regardless of whether they are ND or not.

He definitely heard, we've talked about it.
Thanks for the kind words though
All the walking on eggshells is exhausting. it is so hard to know where to draw the line between building healthy habits and independence and just accepting difference and neurodiversity

In your shoes I would stop trying to convince him home cooked is better as he clearly doesn't agree.

Saying I can't afford it is much more clear cut if a little unpleasant.

For what it's worth in similar circumstances I told mine that we could afford one takeaway a week,

He then researched and realised that different takeaways cost different amounts of money. So I set a weekly budget for takeaways and that had to be stuck to,

I'm not sure whether it was worth it (he did have an obsession with value for money for a while) but it stopped a lot of the whinging,

Kids are hard. Autistic kids are hard. Cut yourself some slack.

Let him fend for himself. Offer your food but if he he rude about it (or the house) just walk away.
One of mine (not autistic) was vile for quite a few years. Never ate with us, rarely spoke to us. Lived off pot noodles and that was pretty much it.
With my teens I gave them an allowance..their child benefit and they could use it for clothes, makeup, or if they didn;t want my food..to eat. It actually helped DS1 get a grasp of how much things cost.
My autistic one was actually my easiest teen but I know how tricky it can be.

Off the cuff thought though... Junk food looks the same, packaging is generally the same... does he feel safe with processed food. My DS2 (the one with autism) developed OCD in his teens and it really restricted him. He's been on sertraline for years now and it really helped. (sorry that's not trying to armchair diagnose him, but so many children with ASD are literally unable to eat what we consider 'normal meals'.

And dear Lord they try us. Swearing under your breath at him is nothing. Hang in there!