To worry about how DD is going to cope growing up

[SantasRubiksCube]

My eldest DD is going into year 6 in September, she's going to be 11 this year and although I love her dearly (obviously) I worry about how she's going to cope as she gets older and has to deal with secondary school. Despite me trying to raise her as a confident child, she seems naturally shy, sensitive and anxious. She has a few friends but not very close ones and I know at school she prefers to do lunchtime clubs rather then be out on the playground as she says she doesn't know who to play with. I've raised the issue at school and they've agreed that she seems quite anxious sometimes so with my permission they've referred her for a kind of workshop in building confidence and managing anxiety when she goes back in September. I don't want to force her to change who she is as she's a kind, loving, helpful and thoughtful girl but I worry so much about her getting bullied and about how horrible other children can be (I don't voice these things to her at all but I was bullied in secondary school and it had such a negative impact on my mental health). How do I try to get her to be resilient and able to deal with the world?

Sorry I forgot to add: YABU- your going too much by your own experience, she'll be fine
YANBU- the world can be a shitty, horrible place, she's going to need to grow a thick skin

YANBU. It sounds like this workshop is a great idea, and it's so good you're taking steps to address this. I don't blame you for being worried. I do think she must have some confidence if she does these clubs as that takes some courage in itself. You sound like a wonderful mum and I'm sure your DD will be fine, she is also still very young

You're doing all the right things OP. Resilience is a much misused word these last few years but true resilience comes from confidence. Confidence comes from knowing you are loved and worthy of being loved. It sounds like the school is aware she isn't quite able to access that rn due to social difficulties and has a structure in place to support her. That's great. Sometimes children need a little help with socialising. You can do likewise by gently encouraging her to connect with her peers. I'm sure she will be fine. If she is kind and thoughtful that goes a long way in making her a person that other kids want to hang around with.

Try not to project your own worries onto her. The kind of bullying that happens mid secondary school is a million miles away from a year six who needs and is getting some extra help with social skills.

Remember, she only needs two friends - one to wear and one for spare, as it were.

I am in a very similar position with my 10yo boy who also goes to Y6 in Sept.
He's had Elsa sessions, and some art therapy via Barnardo's, his anxiety can be really debilitating for him and it's so hard to see him go through it and high school really scares me too!
Although one thing I do think is that although he does have friends in school, I don't believe he's found "his people" yet.
I hope in high school he will meet new people who will build him up rather than make him feel inadequate.
I hope the same for your daughter!

I'm going to suggest she might be perfectly fine. As an autistic woman I know too well the feeling of "not knowing whom to play with" and experienced a fair amount of bullying ( which actually never bothered me and certainly didn't scar me for life). As she grows, she will naturally learn to overcome this and adapt, providing she has a good support network at home.
I don't have massively fond memories of secondary school but it was such a small part of my life... And I have the most wonderful life now.

Thank you everyone who has replied, I was worried I'd be criticised for making her this way but it just seems to be the way she is, and my heart goes out to all the other kids who are the same. I keep my own worries and anxieties to myself around my children as I don't want them to take on any of my baggage and I try to keep an attitude of 'ok this thing has happened, it's no big deal cos we can sort it out'. I think part of the problem is the primary school she's at is (for the most part) brilliant at tackling any bullying and recognising any child that may need support but all of the secondary schools around here seem to have awful reputations for frequent staff turnarounds, bullying and not offering individuals much in the way of support. Like someone else said I don't feel like my daughter has really found her people yet and I just want to know she will be ok

Oh bless you OP. How lovely that she has you on her side.

Do you have a chance to go and look around the secondary schools next year? How much choice do you have wrt where she goes? I'd be asking really focused questions about how their pastoral care is organised - do they have an anti bullying policy, what does it consist of, specifically what do they do if children are struggling socially, that kind of thing. And really think about their answers, look at the messages they're putting out to kids on displays around the school and so on.

That way if she ends up somewhere that isn't ideal and if she's struggling you'll have a jump on how to approach the school about it.

It could well be that she'll be fine though! Going to secondary changes a lot in terms of friendship groups and pecking order and so on - they all go from being big fish in a small pond to tiny wee minnows trying to work out who they are and where they stand. For children who have struggled at primary school it can be a really useful fresh start.

You have 3 months to make a very very careful decision about which school she is going to. It is particularly important with the child like that. Don't assume that she will be fine just in any school. Don't send her somewhere just because other kids are going there. If you rent, move to the location where are very good schools.

Apart from that contact a child psychologist, get a few sessions as it will help to guide you how to help her. School workshop will not resolve it.

Just for you to consider......

I was this child, I was happy being me and did cope. The worst part of it was others not liking how quiet and 'shy' I was and that I didn't act like the other 'normal' kids, like it needed to be fixed. It didn't, I wasnt shy, just quiet and happy, It wasnt that I didnt know how to play, I just preferred to do other things and was quite content to do it on my own if needed.

I'm still like this now, also still happy and manage perfectly well. I still get soe who try to shoe horn me into more 'popular' ways of being 'normal', but most now know me well and like and accept me for who I am. Those who dont, to be honest, I dont give them much of my energy.

Your daughter MAY be the same.

I agree with others that, there will be others at High School just like her, and its great that she is already into clubs and has figured that out for herself. As the other kids like her will gravitate to or be referred to clubs by staff at school.

I did note that you said you hide all of your anxiety from your DD. And actually im not sure thats the best. I've found that sharing parts of mine-when appropriate and my kids seeing me overcome/endure kick myself for having got wound up over nothing-i think its good for them to have that role modeled.