To leave DH as I prefer just me and DD

[Outandabout43]

Just that really. Me and DD are away on holiday, she's being so well behaved and we are having such a nice time. No moody DH, no having to tidy up after DH, no DH putting a stop to any fun.

Is it just a novelty that will wear off, or would I be happier without him and his miserableness?

No, it's a fucking huge indicator. Been there done that, was much happier. Turned out he was an emotionally abusive cunt.

It's just so lovely, even DD seems happier and she is only 3. No person hanging over us that's constantly negative, but on the other hand just thinking we are only this happy as we are on holiday and everyone is happier on holiday.

Your gut is telling you something and id be listening to it if I were you. If your 3yr old daughter is happier without your dh about that would speak volumes

She doesn't even want to speak to him. I ask her if she wants to call him and she says no. I put ot down to her being preoccupied with her new friends she has made.

How does he stop you having any fun usually OP?

The fact that he didn’t want to or make time to come away with his wife and little child, and how you are all happier for it, speaks volumes.

Being just you and DD on holiday is not the same as being a split family with shared contact.

Obviously there is no reason not to revaluate your relationship but don't think it would be like it is now all the time.

He's at work and can't get AL as needs it for DD starting school.

@JanglyBeads he's just so miserable when we go away. Doesn't like sand so hates the beach, doesn't like the park, hates any friends DD makes at the camp site, moans it rains. Suppose most people would be the same but I'm a positive person that is happy DD makes friends, loves the beach and will just put a rain coat on and wellies and go for walks in the rain.

Yes, you would be happier.

Been there, done it, now it's just girls in my house we dance and hug when we pass each other in the hall. it's just lighter.

I don't think it's ever the happiness question that's up for debate - more, is it logistically possible?

This is what part of me is thinking, is it just the novelty of being on holiday

Has he always been like this? Just wondering why you married him and had a child with him if he's such a miserable fun sponge!

Me too.

Life is better. The house is tidier. I'm less stressed. My DC are happier.

I don't have to turn myself inside out trying to plan the best time and wording to use just to suggest a perfectly ordinary activity like tidying up.

We rarely have any negativity or cross words, whereas it they always started with minutes of my DH getting home and weekends were awful.

I loved going on holiday by myself with kids . Just a different vibe . Think women are happy to put kids first but most men on holiday want to do
kid unfriendly stuff , not interact. And a sun holiday if you don't like the beach is always going to be fraught . I hated the whole travelling with him bit too, fussy and anxious whilst I was laid back . Snd he was useless at taking into account the kids need to eat or sleep while younger.

Most people would NOT be the same. Most people would enjoy a family holiday or at the very least plaster on a smile and be positive for their kids. His behaviour isn't normal.

If he's only miserable when you go away, I think it's more of an indicator you should take your DD away on your own more and not do family holidays until she's maybe a bit older.

If he's miserable all the time, then re-evaluating your relationship sounds more reasonable. Though splitting up won't be the same as being on holiday, and these are often the hard years for parenting in terms of dynamics with your spouse. I wouldn't be hasty over it.

Was he always this grumpy? If not, is he stressed or disliking his job? Could he be depressed?

In my experience it’s quite normal for young children to be quite happy with their mother and not to be interested in talking to a father that’s away. But it doesn’t mean that they don’t need and love their father and benefit from having him.

I've just taken that leap. It's very early days and we're still navigating the split contact but so far it's not as tough as I thought. Yes it's hard being bad cop and sticking to routine when daddy ignores bedtime but the rest of it more than makes up.
It wasn't the holiday that was the final nail in the coffin, it just demonstrated to me that we were fine by ourselves and, similarly. that behaviour was better/we could have a lovely day out without a spat over stomping off ahead etc. It could be age too (4) but I'm less stressed so have much more to give.

What’s he like in your normal life? Is he grumpy and miserable in day to day life? Does he pull his weight with childcare and housework? Does he have fun with you and with your DD? Does he spend good, quality time with you both? Do you normally enjoy his company?

I took this leap 2 years ago and I can hand on heart say it was the best decision for my child and me (similar age at the time as your DC). He was lazy, unhelpful, moody, disrespectful etc. Now don’t get me wrong, being a single parent also has its challenges, but how you’re feeling is a big indicator of normal family life. Trust me life is too short to be unhappy ❤️

I think a good question to ask yourself is "what would a good (not perfect but good healthy relationship) look like and how far off that is this relationship" and then think about whether you could do anything to get closer to a good relationship.

I'm a single parent myself and not one to advocate staying in a bad relationship. But at the same time being a single parent almost certainly won't be like being on holiday. There will probably be big trade offs.

When making the decision I'd consider / try to accept the following:

• You won't be able to force your DH to have your DD - he could walk away and never see her again and you would be left wholly responsible for your DD ;
• Conversely if he wants 50 / 50 care the courts would probably give him that - some men step up and do a reasonable job of this and some do the bare minimum and palm the child off on a family member / new partner etc;
• You won't have any control over how your ex parents when you're not there including who looks after your child etc;
• You won't necessarily get any more than 50% of your joint assets and probably won't be able to stay in the family home if you can't afford to buy your ex out;
• If you have 50/50 care you probably won't get any maintenance and sometimes it's very hard to enforce maintenance even when it is supposed to be paid;
• Your ex will still have a say in where your child lives and how they are educated etc - you wouldn't necessarily be able to move a long distance without his agreement, for example.

I identify with some of what people say about the benefits of being a single parent in that you can just focus on your children; you can make the decisions and you don't have to take someone else's feelings into account. I certainly don't regret separating. But the finances and the time / responsibility can be really hard. I'm not always a calm, sunny parent who dances around hugging my children in a tidy house because I'm exhausted and burnt out a lot of the time and haven't really had any time to myself since becoming a single parent (though I do have two children, one of whom was a newborn when my ex left so one 3 year old might be more manageable).