To want to move out now or ExDH move out now he has a new girlfriend?

[ClearAutumn]

Ex cheated on me, and although we tried to stay together, it didn’t work out. I had plans to leave the house in early 2025, it’s tricky as I”m sorting out moving to another area, another school for DS who has disabilities. Also ExDH has been very difficult and delaying around divorce.

It’s been hard but tolerable in the household as we try and sort this out. ExDH works full-time and I’m the full-time carer, as agreed a while back. DS thrives with me as his carer and I’m building up working from home as he gets a bit more able.

However now exDH has a new girlfriend that he’s crazy about. At first I thought it would be okay, distract him and maybe even give me more space in the house as he’s out more.

But it’s not been like that - ExDH is hardly parenting and is cross with me a lot. I don’t want to carry on living like this.

I now cannot go out at all without ExDH kicking up a fuss, as he wants to be able to see his GF at any time she calls. He’s sometimes there for DS, but no consistency and no idea when he will be around. He’s stopped paying for our weekly shop (I now do this out of my own money), and when I got ill and asked him for help recently to take over care for DS he accused me of treating him like a husband and said that I ‘had to stop this.’ The last straw for me was when he shouted at me when DS was in the house, he wanted me to move out sooner and accused me of being controlling - all because I raised concerns that he was flying in with no warning wanting once in a blue moon to take DS, and I said DS did not do well with last minute.

Anyway, I’ve asked Ex to move out temporarily or if he cannot, have said that I need to move out temporarily with DS. I feel this just cannot go on and I’m finding the stress terrible. At first he agreed to move out, and until then to have a consistent week where he just stays out of the house and gives notice if he wants to see DS. But of course that has all slid and he’s around the house more than before.

He now accuses me of ‘giving him the silence treatment’ as I avoid him and don’t smile and say hello. He also is against me moving out as - really I don’t have anywhere to go and DS won’t be able to go to school for a term as I’ll have to stay with a relative.

AIBU for wanting to leave in the next couple of weeks if ExDH refuses? I really don’t think this is a healthy household anymore.

I definitely think it sounds like one of you needs to move, if he won’t then yes I would if I was you. It’s really difficult to continue living with someone once separated because it inevitably blurs the lines between your old status quo in a relationship and the new one as two single people. It can work but only with quite strict boundaries in place, if that’s not doable then yes it’s best to split physically.

All I could think reading this was "eww, what sort of woman dates a man who lives with his wife?"

Don't think that relationship is gonna last, but anyway, be better if you get out now.

Move out. Claim cms. Is the house owned?

I've said YABU but that is because HE should be moving out and not you. You have a Son to think of , who also has disabilities and HE is the one who will suffer if you move out now, with nowhere to go.

Is the house rented or what's the score with that?

Next time he says you are treating him as a husband, reply no, I'm treating you as a father to our DS.

As well as the divorce / financial side of things, I suggest you get the court to agree on contact with your DS. I know what you're going to say, he's not as good with him as you are, your son thrives with you and I don't doubt it, but your DS deserves to have contact with his Dad. In fact I would start raising this now.

Don't hang about - move out and keep pushing for the divorce and finance to be settled.

Is he paying any child maintenance - if not get in that CMS claim asap too

Treating him like a husband?! Is he confusing that with being a parent to your ds?! I think moving is essential. Is he paying anything towards your child’s food/clothes/needs? You know you can put in a cms claim even if you still live in the same property? You are separated so it can be done.

Thanks, I know one of us needs to move but I just had to hear that, as ExDH is acting like I’m being really unreasonable for not wanting to live together for the next 6 months. His contact with DS is the least of my concerns, it is HIS concern and he can sort that out/suggest and then be consistent. I have enough on my plate frankly!

And it’s not my job to make him be a father. At the moment he’s equating any fathering to ‘being a husband’ - and yes I have explicitly said that it is fathering to me - and he just shouted at me when our son was in the house - who got very distressed. Obviously him and his GF are equating any ‘time’ that is not available to their relationship as ‘husband’ - but what can I do. Being basically a 99% parent to a disabled DS whilst my Ex is seeing someone else, sorting out all the moving future plans is enough without additional stress.

That’s a good point. At first I did ask for more boundaries e.g. not expecting me to want to chat to him in the kitchen, more separate meals etc. He at first agreed and then a week later used that to accuse me of ‘not even being able to talk to him’ etc - it’s like all my energy is sucked into his continued drama and I simply can’t do it anymore. He says he is ‘being forced out of his home’. I’m just so drained, I actually did go away for 2 weeks to a cheap hotel with DS and looked for temporary accommodation but it was crazy, nothing to be had and my finances are limited until the divorce is through.

@ClearAutumn You've probably tried this, but have you threatened tried saying to him that you will move out, but leave your son with him until January? That he'll have to sort out childcare etc. because it would be quite wrong to move your son temporarily. That you'll go in during the day, but he'll have to deal with him overnight? He's behaving dreadfully and I am so sorry you are going through this
If you and son leave he will be free to move the GF in immediately, if that's what he wants. Is the house mortgaged or is it rented and whose house is it?