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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much do you do at your PILs?

24 replies

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 12:54

DH and me only get help from his family and my Mum is disabled and Dad passed away.

They live about 2.5 hours away and say they 'don't like the travel' to ours but are always inviting us to them.

The challenge is I just cannot relax there. DH goes into chill out mode and I end up running around after DS more than I would at home. MIL is convinced me and SIL don't do enough and has confided in me she thinks her other son does the lions share. The challenge with her saying this so much, if I'm conscious she thinks the same of me.

In all honesty DH is very hands on but aren't most dads these days? His parents are very old fashioned, don't agree with me working or nursery.

Aside from rarely getting a break there, I feel uncomfortable every time I'm offered a cup of tea. They do all the cooking and tidying up but that's about it, they have DS here and there but complain their eldest grandchild is 20 and they're too old now. In fact DH is 101-15 years younger than his siblings and we had children late.

It's also not a very relaxed house, no one has turned on the tv once in the 12 years I've been with DH, it's sitting around the table only. Phones frowned upon. It's all crosswords in newspapers and talking. I just don't have the energy.

I just don't find the 5 hour round trip worth it. It messes up DSs routine as he will sleep in car, even if we try to travel during the start of his nighttime sleep, it's still disrupting to transfer him.

They won't have him without us as they think it's too much, so we don't get over night breaks. We've just had another baby and I don't want to go anywhere. They said they will come to us but I know a soon as DC2 is old enough it will drop.

I'm thinking of just hiring an au pair, probably costs the same as petrol to theirs and back and we do have a spare room.

AIBU to just accept we have no help or hire help, and stop going as much? We go once every 2 months at the moment.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 03/08/2024 13:18

I don’t do anything at ILs house because we aren’t welcome due to MIL’s partner. He isn’t allowed contact with children (that’s a whole other issue) and even if he’s not there, we aren’t allowed in MIL’s house.

All that aside, that sounds awful. I wouldn’t go. Why not let Dh take older dc and have a weekend with them? Then someone will have to step up and do the parenting. If they visit you, leave Dh to do it all. When Dh’s family comes to visit, I do nothing. I don’t clean. I don’t change the bedding. I don’t get up in the morning with the dc. I don’t make anyone coffee or tea. It’s all Dh allll weekend. I make myself busy with urgent tasks that must be done that weekend. Only thing I will do is cook because I can hide in the kitchen and ignore them.

ByCupidStunt · 03/08/2024 13:20

I think the solution is to let your dh take the kids on his own.

Sunshineafterthehail · 03/08/2024 13:27

Why haven't you asked dh why he reverts back to being mil's little solider and leaves you to parent your joint dc? Stay in an Airbnb... Then keep the visits to times that suit you and dc's routine.

sleekcat · 03/08/2024 13:32

It sounds less about parenting and more that you just don't feel happy being there. You don't feel happy in their home, forced into their routine and not able to be yourself and do what you want? Parenting all the time when you don't have any cooking or cleaning is not really difficult - I would expect DH to share parenting but not especially anyone else unless they instigated it. My children have never had an overnight stay at anyone else's house apart from friend's sleepovers and I never expected to be able to pass them on to anyone so I could have a break. If you want to go out it would be better to get a local babysitter so that you don't have to do the long trip.

2.5 hours is a long way for frequent visits. I'd do it occasionally though. If your DH doesn't want to parent 50/50 when there, then I'd stop going.

EatTheGnome · 03/08/2024 13:39

Why don't you stay home? Read a book, bath etc. It will be like a mini holiday!

rubyslippers · 03/08/2024 13:41

This is not help or childcare for you

TemuSpecialBuy · 03/08/2024 13:45

ByCupidStunt · 03/08/2024 13:20

I think the solution is to let your dh take the kids on his own.

My first thought too...
You have a nice weekend he sees his boring parents

burgundymug · 03/08/2024 13:48

I’m confused what you mean. You say they help you with childcare but they don’t come to your house? You just visit them and stay with them? Where is the help with the childcare?

mondaytosunday · 03/08/2024 14:01

I'm not sure I understand what you are getting at. You are visiting them, why would you watch TV? And what do you mean chasing after your child - what is he doing? Can he not just sit and play with something at least part of the time?
And who cares if your MIL disapproves of you working?
I don't think I ever relax at my in laws either, but that's not the point really. If you don't like it then don't go as often. Your husband can visit.

Original poster

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 20:17

DH does less there probably because he does the drive there and back, and does a lot at home but also, he knows full well they watch and judge how much he does.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to watch tv and wear PJs. I forgot to say, they all get up and get dressed, come down to have breakfast and tea, then at some stage in the morning they all go shower and get dressed again. No one changes until they go to bed for good.

In short - no PJs allowed ever. No tv, ever. It's not relaxing at all. Unless you like small talk and crosswords.

OP posts:

INeedARest22 · 03/08/2024 20:27

It's literally just once every 2 months? ...

RosesAndHellebores · 03/08/2024 20:39

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 20:17

DH does less there probably because he does the drive there and back, and does a lot at home but also, he knows full well they watch and judge how much he does.

In short - no PJs allowed ever. No tv, ever. It's not relaxing at all. Unless you like small talk and crosswords.

Why would you want to hang about in your pj's at your in-laws, or at home for that matter.

When we have visitors we tend not to watch the TV.

Neither my mother nor the in-laws provided childcare. They lived too far away. We had an au-pair. Problem solved.

Original poster

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 20:41

You don't go downstairs in your PJs when you get up with your children on the weekend?

I do and when the time comes to shower and leave the house, I get dressed then.

I always change out my work clothes in the week or weekend clothes on weekend into PJs to start my evenings. Usually with a shower.

OP posts:

Tonkerbea · 03/08/2024 20:47

It sounds like you have your way of doing things, and don't want to deviate from this, and this is compounded by you feeling judged by them. It's not a great mix, but how are they with your son? Do they engage? Have you talked with your DH about this, if not why? He needs to do act as the bridge between you and his parents a bit more.

thecatsthecats · 03/08/2024 20:59

Hmmm, I think you're unreasonable on the PJs front, I'd feel weird hanging out with my ILs in my PJs except on Christmas Day.

I feel like when I'm at ILs, it's time off for me. And vice versa with DH and my parents. I don't know why, but it feels like my son has 3-5 family members extra at the ILs, so doesn't need me running around too?

But I think it's fairly normal to feel a bit out of norm at grandparents. You're clashing with their current way of life AND how they half-remember parenting a quarter of a century ago AND your usual routines with your kids.

I wouldn't be doing it every two months though. I'd stretch it to 10 week intervals unless they come to you sometimes.

And if they do - expect them to fall in line with you.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 03/08/2024 21:05

I wouldn't lounge about in pjs anywhere except my own home.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/08/2024 21:10

curiouslycoy · 03/08/2024 20:41

You don't go downstairs in your PJs when you get up with your children on the weekend?

I do and when the time comes to shower and leave the house, I get dressed then.

I always change out my work clothes in the week or weekend clothes on weekend into PJs to start my evenings. Usually with a shower.

No, I get dressed before I go downstairs and always did. I put my nightie on when I go to bed.

My DC never sarmed around in their pyjamas either.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/08/2024 21:10

6 times a year isn’t often. But if you hate it so much, get DH to take the children on his own.

You have a nice weekend he sees his boring parents OP finds the in-laws boring. That’s a long way from the in-laws being boring.

OP, you’re suffering from a clash of cultures. I would feel uncomfortable if my PIL were slobbing around in pyjamas and had the tv on all the time.

Biffbaff · 03/08/2024 21:16

Could you put the TV on there "for the kids"? I like a crossword but I couldn't deal with long evenings at ILs without TV!

saraclara · 03/08/2024 21:18

They do all the cooking and tidying up but that's about it, they have DS here and there

I'm confused. What is it you're expecting from them? You seem to think that you go there in order for them to do things for you. I find that really weird.

My in-laws lived the same distance away, and we too went every six weeks or so. When I was there I helped the PILs with the cooking where it was helpful, and I'd make a drink for everyone (as would my DH) as often as PILs would. We all pulled in together. Us turning up, much as it was welcomed by then, would obviously add to the domestic load. I certainly wouldn't be adding more by expecting them to do things for me!

It seems as though you just sit there like a lemon, waiting to be fed and watered and to have your kids looked after for you. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored of you got off the sofa and joined in the meal prep etc.

BonifaceBonanza · 03/08/2024 21:24

Sorry but you sound very self centred and a bit of a brat. You do know that different people choose to lead their lives diffferently? What’s the harm in visiting you dh older parents and making the most of it? Why are you expecting them to run around after you?
So far as I see the only problem is your dh becoming lazy when he’s there?

Sunnydiary · 03/08/2024 21:28

I don’t understand why you go?

Tell DH to go with DC, at least the older one, and you get a break at home. Will be more relaxing than being there anyway…

BoxOfCats · 03/08/2024 21:31

Dh does every 2nd trip without you from now on. He has to step up as dad and you get time to yourself!

thefamous5 · 04/08/2024 11:15

As much as they've ever done for me...fuck all.

At the moment they're only in their 60s so fil still works and mil sits on her arse smoking all day. They don't bother with me or their grandkids and make no effort with their son unless he contacts them first.

I won't ever rush to help them. Wouldn't even walk to help them

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