To ban sibling from my house

[Froggles1]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted an outside take on this. My younger sister has always been difficult (probably an understatement). She has dramatic outbursts at family gatherings, treats our parents badly, lies/manipulates, threatens to take her own life on occasions etc the list goes on! She is now a parent herself & relies on my parents a lot. Despite many incidents over the years one involving her getting my parents arrested, they always forgive her (or at least put up with her behaviour).

since I became a mother, I have started to set boundaries as I don’t want my kids exposed to these outbursts. My husband is now non contact with my sister due to various incidents one of which happened in front of our young son. He does not want her in our home which I think is fair & respect this. My daughter is having a little tea party this weekend which my partners family are attending. I invited my parents but explained that my sister would not be able to come. My parents declined the invite with no reason & now I feel they are being “off” with me. I feel like the bad guy and like they are prioritising my sisters feelings over mine and cant be strong enough to come down for an hour & tell her straight. Also, they made no attempt to offer to come down at all (we live 30 mins away) and posted my daughters card & gift. AIBU to be really hurt over this?

Neither you nor your dc need such drama in your lives.... Leave them to it.

Definitely not being unreasonable.

No way would I allow anyone like your sibling in my home. Upset parents or not.

Your sister is abusive and your mum and dad are victims. But as adults they can choose to draw boundaries and yet they’re not. Walk away and keep your distance.

It’s really difficult as I still feel bad as sometimes my sister will act normally and be nice and then I think oh maybe I’m overreacting….then she will eventually kick off again and we are back to square one. I had a frank conversation with her a few months bavk where I said I did not trust her & she needs to make huge changes i.e. Seek help for her MH but I dont think she has. I just feel hurt that my parents cant make a stand for me :(

My DB and I have been going through this with our (D)S since we were kids. It has resulted in so many family arguments and despite me pointing out that the way sis treats DM when she has an episode being horrific emotional abuse, my DM always forgets when sis is acting normally. Then the rest of us get ignored in favour of sis and her family.

Tbh, I don't think my sis would cope as a parent without heavy involvement from my DM but it's upsetting to be bumped for someone who behaves so appallingly. My dad sadly had a massive stroke last year and is now severely disabled. I think the years of stress from my sis had a massive contributing factor.

So, don't plow on letting it all get brushed under the carpet. Make a stand. I wish I had.

It's your parents loss.

Carry your life on with people that are not troublesome.

Yanbu to ban your sibling but Yabu to assume that your parents might change their habits of a lifetime and stand up to your sister. Yanbu to have hoped but you need to be realistic and accept that they care about your sister’s feelings over yours (And to be fair it sounds like she would kick off badly)

Your parents are clearly happy to enable her bad behaviour probably partly out of fear that they won’t see her kids any more. You still see your sister so are also kind of enabling her bad behaviour too but I also see that if you went NC then it won’t change your parents’ stance either.

Your DP can make their own decisions. They are missing out on their GCs and milestone events irrespective of your DSs behaviour. They are not respecting you and DHs boundaries if they think your sister should be attending too. You might need to point this out to them.
Your DPs may not feel up to travelling but you could go and see them another day. If your DSis is there or should turn up while you are visiting - you can quite easily leave and tell your DPs you will see them another day. You are enabling the relationship to carry on between the GPs and GCs but making a stand where it involves your sister. Not unreasonable in my view.

Thanks for this. Yeah I have gone n/c with her a few times after various incidents but my parents never follow through for long (I get it and I wouldnt cut out a child either) but they are very all or nothing and cant seem to set firm but fair boundaries with her. I am at a point where I am polite to her if shes there but dont go out of my way to share my life with her which is sad. I was a bit like another parent to her due to age gap so think that is why I find it difficult too x

Sorry you have gone through this too :( I find it an incredibly difficult situation. I am also a massive people pleaser (but after lots of therapy) learning not to be as I realise it is because I witnessed so much conflict growing up x

They are her parents too and they have to navigate the needs of both of their children thry are in the middle of this with you too and you think you are in the right and I presume your sister thinks the same

Even if your parents could think you are right, it puts them in a very difficult position. You are right to set boundaries to protect your children though. It's up to your parents how they navigate that.

Do not unreasonable. I have had similar situations. Why do parents not realise that they can ruin their relationship with the calmer more normal child in always putting the mal adjusted child first.