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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is NOT holding a grudge?

24 replies

Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:01

Going to try to keep to the point but deliberately vague as to nature of relationship to see what people think (trying to judge/trust my own judgement)
I left a situation (short car ride) as person starting shouting saying I was picking an argument (didn’t feel I was at all simply said I hadn’t eaten in response to be being asked as I was about to when had to leave to jump in the car)
i take a a phone call around 1hr later asking to go out to eat and declined as just got ready for bed to be told stop holding an effing grudge and had the phone hung up!
I’m not even actually bothered about eating but trying to honour my boundaries of not being shouted at or gaslit. Thoughts please

OP posts:
MultiplaLight · 02/08/2024 20:02

It all sounds batshit tbh.

Scottishshortbread11877 · 02/08/2024 20:05

Your post doesn't make sense. Why did the person think you were picking a fight because you answered the question 'have you eaten?'? What was the context?

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:10

Because apparently when I said I hadn’t eaten as I was just about to sit down to eat when I then had to (hurriedly imo but not said out loud) get in the car I was starting a fight and should have just said ‘yes or no’ to the have you eaten question. Maybe it was my fault to say why I hadn’t eaten but turning down a later trip to eat was because I simply didn’t want to now I’m being told I’m holding a grudge and that’s why I refused and was hung up on! Batshit absolutely but sadly true.

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 02/08/2024 20:13

Situation doesn’t fully make sense. Did you know you were being picked up, so could have eaten sooner? Where were you going, why was it so short that only an hour later you were getting into bed? Without context it seems you were being unreasonable to be honest.

Sunnydiary · 02/08/2024 20:26

I don’t understand, we need more info.

If you were just sitting down to eat, why did you jump in someone’s car?

And then you “left” this situation? Do you mean you asked them to stop the car and let out? Were they scaring you?

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:27

I appreciate the responses and patience lack of context. I’ll try:
did not know I was needed in the car journey hadn’t long been home myself and was serving up a quick meal to children. Time was around 8pm. Day had been busy and I had then showered and was ready to unwind. Did not want to go and eat after been shouted at having left the car and taken a short walk home.
Context- this person has a history of over reacting imo (shouting, gnarling etc) and as such I am trying to support myself in not engaging when such events occur.
Was my answer ‘no I haven’t eaten I was about to when I had to get in the car’ provocative and argumentative? Would most people have just said no and then kept quiet? Is it such a big deal?
i was told to stop arguing and I said I am not arguing you should stop to which point the car was stopped and I was told to get out which I did! Went home and didnt make contact.

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 02/08/2024 20:28

I still don’t understand why had to get in this car? Did you take DC with you or leave them at home?

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:29

Also they don’t scare me i just don’t want to get drawn into any kind of confrontation especially when I don’t actually have a strong opinion on what the apparent argument is about (or feel I’m actually arguing)

OP posts:
Jagoda · 02/08/2024 20:30

Can you please explain what was so important that you had to leave a meal unfinished and get into somebody’s car?

It doesn’t make sense.

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:30

Sunnydiary · 02/08/2024 20:28

I still don’t understand why had to get in this car? Did you take DC with you or leave them at home?

Children aren’t relevant and were not in the car. Got in the car as was vaguely needed for the destination (although clearly not actually needed!)

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 02/08/2024 20:33

So why did you go then?

This may seem pedantic to you but I suspect it’s relevant. Most of us wouldn’t have left home in the situation you have broadly described.

Is this person a horrible bully?

RumNotRun · 02/08/2024 20:33

It all seems a bit of a fuss about nothing on both sides. However when I have previously said things along the lines of "no I haven’t eaten I was about to when I had to get in the car" I have said it in a passive aggressive way so I can understand someone getting pissed off at that response.

Scarlettpixie · 02/08/2024 20:35

I am confused. Why did you have to leave in a hurry? Where did you go? How come you were just about to eat but then later were feeding the kids? Did they have to wait for you to get back to eat or were you planning on feeding them separately? How old are they?

All that aside, this relationship (I am presuming a newish partner) doesn’t sound much fun.

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:36

RumNotRun · 02/08/2024 20:33

It all seems a bit of a fuss about nothing on both sides. However when I have previously said things along the lines of "no I haven’t eaten I was about to when I had to get in the car" I have said it in a passive aggressive way so I can understand someone getting pissed off at that response.

I understand. I honestly didn’t say it in a passive aggressive way to be honest wasn’t even bothered about not eating at that time just came out as an answer to the question but apparently must have been extremely loaded.

@Sunnydiary yes actually I think I can say they are a terrible bully actually

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2024 20:37

I cannot imagine a situation where I would abandon a family dinner to get in a car with someone for no urgent reason.

Friend or family need to be taken to hospital urgently, similar emergency, sure.

What you describe sounds bizarre.

Sunnydiary · 02/08/2024 20:37

Is it a parent?

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:38

Scarlettpixie · 02/08/2024 20:35

I am confused. Why did you have to leave in a hurry? Where did you go? How come you were just about to eat but then later were feeding the kids? Did they have to wait for you to get back to eat or were you planning on feeding them separately? How old are they?

All that aside, this relationship (I am presuming a newish partner) doesn’t sound much fun.

Thanks but not a newish partner. Wasn’t really a big rush more of a ‘need to go now’ so it suited me to go too…just didn’t expect the blow up. But also being told to get out of a car I will certainly get out and not look back.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/08/2024 20:38

RumNotRun · 02/08/2024 20:33

It all seems a bit of a fuss about nothing on both sides. However when I have previously said things along the lines of "no I haven’t eaten I was about to when I had to get in the car" I have said it in a passive aggressive way so I can understand someone getting pissed off at that response.

I think this is what has happened. They've heard you complaining that you didnt get to eat because of them, tried to make it up to you by offering food, and you've declined, so they are taking that as you being mad at them/holding a grudge.

Bananazebra · 02/08/2024 20:39

So the person turned up at your house said can you come back to mine quickly to do me a favour? That sort of thing?
Could you not have just said, I'm just about to eat? Or was it a time sensitive thing?
Maybe you were still annoyed with them when they phoned to invite you to eat and that came across in your voice and that's why they said you were holding a grudge.
You're probably not holding a grudge over the food thing but it sounds like their overall behaviour has made you broadly dislike them.

PrueRamsay · 02/08/2024 20:39

I’m as mystified as everyone else.

Can you explain properly @Dustandrosebuds ?

BuyOrBake · 02/08/2024 20:41

It would be far easier if you told us what actually happened. My brain hurts!!!!

Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:42

Bananazebra · 02/08/2024 20:39

So the person turned up at your house said can you come back to mine quickly to do me a favour? That sort of thing?
Could you not have just said, I'm just about to eat? Or was it a time sensitive thing?
Maybe you were still annoyed with them when they phoned to invite you to eat and that came across in your voice and that's why they said you were holding a grudge.
You're probably not holding a grudge over the food thing but it sounds like their overall behaviour has made you broadly dislike them.

I think you’re on the money there about broadly disliking. Don’t intentionally show it though. Or so I thought maybe I do?

We are all currently in the same house (not uk, large family home with sections/apartments basically) so not a someone turned up in a big rush scenario although I appreciate I have been vague but this is because I want my behaviour analysed really I guess .

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:44

Not a parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustandrosebuds · 02/08/2024 20:46

Does it make a difference who the other person is? When is it ok to shout at someone else? When is it ok to call and then hang up when told no they don’t want to go to eat when a meal was never even suggested and the primary car journey had nothing to do with eating (as the other person had already eaten!)
is it reasonable to stop a car and tell somebody to get out when they said you should stop (meaning the raised voice stopping the car was never said?)

OP posts:
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