Am I being paranoid about DD4 behaviour or is there a problem and what can I do ?

[paranoidmam]

I'm really at a loss as to what I can do to help my DD and whether I'm being really paranoid..

DD has been going to preschool nursery for a year.

In that year, one mum approached and said her DD was scared of my DD and that my DD had been hitting her. I had words with my DD and told the mum to have words with the school too. My DD said she doesn't hit anyone.

One of the girls in DD's class has told me on several occasions that my DD has done something to her like, broken her Legos or broken her necklace. DD is there when the girl tells me and I ask DD ' did you do X ' sometimes she says yes and sometimes has says no. To which I make her apologise of course. I've asked the teachers if there's a problem and if my DD is being horrible to this girl and they said 'it's just normal behaviour for 4 year olds and they do it to each other. They fall out and are friends every five minutes and there is no concern '.

I asked another mum starting up if her DD has complained about mine and she said, a couple of times, but her DD also complains about other children.

My DD occasionally says that no one wants to play with her and that kind of stuff.

I've asked the teachers who say she has lots of friends and they all fall out and make up again every couple of days and it's all normal for their age.

At parents evening they mentioned my DD does struggle taking turns and that kind of thing and wants to be first often and is just quite a strong character. But that they're working on it with her and she's showing improvements.

I am paranoid my DD is a problem and all the other children and their parents are talking about it.

I also don't know what else I can do, to help her at home. She has a little sister and can be pretty mean to her and I always get involved and tell her off straight away. We have play dates and I've not seen a problem in her behaviour. With her sister, it can be problematic.

For example today her sister was building a tower and my DD just knocked it over and when I told her off, she threw blocks at my face. I removed her and put her into a room by herself and told her off for doing so. But she'll do the same thing again tomorrow I'm sure.

Any advice ? Thank you for reading.

Sounds normal to me. 4 year olds can be total PITA. Any mother speaking to you directly needs to be given short shift. A polite smile, head tilt and a "oh I spoke to preschool and they said it's 6 of one and half dozen of another....hopefully they'll grow out of it soon".

What you need not do is make it a THING so it almost becomes self fulfilling

Just stick to consistent rules and boundaries and repeat until you are blue in the face.

What you need not do is make it a THING so it almost becomes self fulfilling

I'm worried I'm making it a thing indeed. I won't ask any other mums if their DD's have complained about mine. That will kill it for her.

I only asked the one mum as it was appropriate to the conversation as she was telling me that mum number one ( who had complained to me about my DD ) also told that mum about it.

Anyone else ?

I think it's normal and you're responding appropriately. Another thing you could consider is rewarding her positive behaviour, actions, utterances. So whenever she shares or helps her sibling or says something kind, go overboard on the praise. You could occasionally label a treat as 'this is because you were such a good girl in the park' etc. Children love treats/praise so she will cotton on to what she needs to do to get something nice. Obviously ensure that it's occasional treats so she doesn't think it's every time!

Thank you. Yes I do this ! Especially when I see her being kind to us / her friends / sister or is able to wait her turn without sulking during a board game etc.

I would suggest going a bit further and making opportunities to share, take turns etc, and modeling good behaviour in those moments. So choosing to play games that allow you to demonstrate that kind of behaviour, you take a turn, she takes a turn etc, praise when she plays nicely, and set her up to succeed. Don't just wait for it to happen organically. It won't seem like you're making a thing out of it, and gives her chance to learn what you need her to.

You can sort of roleplay things as well, talk about what you do when someone throws a toy at you, or how another child feels if you break their toy. There are also some lovely books out there on these kinds of things as well, we had a set by Sue Graves, Our Emotions and Behaviours, which covered things like playing nicely, sharing, wanting to win etc, which we found really helpful with DS when he was doing some of the same things.

Finally, time. DS is growing out of some of this stuff now at 6, but it's just taken time for him to mature and learn to empathise with other people, which is developmental and normal. So just give it time and plenty of encouragement to make the right choices.