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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

When do you ask your teen/adult child friends to leave?

40 replies

sheepdogdelight · 02/08/2024 08:33

Just interested in opinions really. DD has finished A Levels and is making the most of the summer before (hopefully) starting university. She's shifted her body clock and now doesn't get up until lunch time and is quite often up until the small hours.

We've said she can have friends round whenever she wants but we'd like them out by midnight. Starting to wonder if this is too rigid? During the week the argument was that, as everyone else in the house has to get up for work, we didn't want to be disturbed while sleeping. However, that argument doesn't hold true at weekends so I was wondering about saying they could stay until later then.

I should say that DD and her friends are not particularly loud, there's normally only 2 or 3 friends at a time, they chat or watch a film or play games mostly, they organise their own food and drink and they tidy up after themselves. So I'm talking about no disruption to the rest of the family and normal "moving out noise" not party level type disturbance.

Thinking about it now as the result of our "everyone gone by midnight" rule is that DD (when not "out out") is now spending all her free time at the houses of friends with more amenable parents. So wondering if our views were out of step?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 02/08/2024 08:54

I've got younger children but personally would want them out by 10 as I don't think I could sleep knowing there were 'visitors' in the house!

Catza · 02/08/2024 10:03

Doesn't matter if your views are out of step, it works for you so I don't think you should change them. Is there any particular reason you want your daughter and her friends to hang out in your house? I don't think I'd be particularly worried about that if I knew she was safe and I still saw her at home during the day.
I don't remember being home much at all at that age.

Fullyflavoured · 02/08/2024 10:08

i think she will just go to her friends houses more and more where the parents don't have a kicking out time. It's really up to you if that bothers you enough to relax your rules a bit.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 02/08/2024 10:11

I don't set a time limit - the only rule is they have to be quiet enough to not disturb me/wake me after I go to bed.

DuskandDawn · 02/08/2024 10:11

I'd rather just say they can all stay over. I've started this with both my daughters when they started in year seven and as a result I've got to know all their friends and they choose to spend the majority of their time at my house. As long as they tidy up after themselves I don't mind. I've always said the same to my friends, if they need to they can come att. I've had various friends over the years stay from a couple of nights to ten days. Never been an issue.

wombat15 · 02/08/2024 10:15

For me it depends entirely on whether I can hear them. If they are quiet and my sleep is not disturbed, I don't care.

sheepdogdelight · 02/08/2024 10:20

Catza · 02/08/2024 10:03

Doesn't matter if your views are out of step, it works for you so I don't think you should change them. Is there any particular reason you want your daughter and her friends to hang out in your house? I don't think I'd be particularly worried about that if I knew she was safe and I still saw her at home during the day.
I don't remember being home much at all at that age.

My reasons are really
-I don't want her to feel unwelcome in her own house

-If "everyone else's parents" genuinely does let them do it, then I don't want to be the one who is unnecessarily strict

-it would be quite nice to see her a bit more :) Although I accept that if she's with her friends I won't actually be seeing her and I'll have to get used to it when she goes to university. But there's been 2 days already this week I haven't seen her at all (and I suspect I may not see her today either).

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 02/08/2024 10:26

I think you are being very generous. Midnight is fine.

Sgtmajormummy · 02/08/2024 10:33

I’d rather they slept over than leaving at 10 or midnight. But I live in a city and it’s not nice for girls to be out late at night. It would mean a taxi.
How about equipping her with a couple of camping mattresses for friends? There would probably be plenty of interest.

pinacollateral · 02/08/2024 10:37

From a practical perspective, I don't think midnight is the safest time to have people leaving the house (depending where you live).

I'd rather say they have to decide whether they want to leave at 9.30/10, or stay over.

CableCar · 02/08/2024 10:38

I am genuinely intrigued by the late curfew... How do the friends get home at midnight? Do they walk? When I was a teenager we had late night parties or sleepovers, but all hanging out was in the regular daytime hours (until about 10.30pm I guess?) ... Is that abnormal?!

RamblingEclectic · 02/08/2024 10:42

For me, it would be on a case by case basis, depending on a few factors including:
-- how well do the friends get on with others in the house? If they're really irritating to others, likely to cut it shorter.
-- are they disrupting anyone's sleep?
-- are they disrupting anything else - making messes or throwing off routines, things like that
-- Is there a home situation of any of the friends that may mean they are safer here sometimes? I was once one of those teens and am mindful that a teen 'going' doesn't always mean they're going home.

If the friend(s) were amiable and not disrupting others, we might choose later especially if there is a home issue - I have the advantage that my husband works nights, and on nights he's not working, we've been more open to friends who can respect others. With just me, it really depends on who it is, but in the run up to a child heading off, I'd probably be a bit more open.

If they're being a problem, then I'd probably do earlier than midnight, probably closer to 9-10 at the very latest, as I've younger kids to consider, as well as my own sanity.

Starlight1979 · 02/08/2024 10:43

CableCar · 02/08/2024 10:38

I am genuinely intrigued by the late curfew... How do the friends get home at midnight? Do they walk? When I was a teenager we had late night parties or sleepovers, but all hanging out was in the regular daytime hours (until about 10.30pm I guess?) ... Is that abnormal?!

Uber I'm guessing. This is what all the teens / young adults in my family do anyway!

MapleTreeValley · 02/08/2024 10:46

I have three teens including a DS of the same age enjoying his summer before he goes off to uni. We don't have a time limit and my DC's friends often end up staying the night.

blackheartsgirl · 02/08/2024 10:48

If they’re not sleeping over (as long as they’re quiet I don’t mind) then kicking out time is 11. I can’t relax until I know they’re gone or they’re all settled for the night. I’m a light sleeper too and I’m up very early in the week and I always hear the front door go . Also my dd is as dippy as hell and always forgets to lock the front door despite constant reminders.

5128gap · 02/08/2024 10:54

My view is that rules should have a point. And if these visitors are having no negative impact on you by being there post midnight, what's the point of the rule?

Ilovelurchers · 02/08/2024 10:58

It sounds obvious, but have you asked her if it would make a difference to how often she was there?

If it would, see no reason NOT to relax the rules, if the presence of the friends in the house does not in fact bother anyone in any way.....

Timinfuckingruislip · 02/08/2024 10:58

Is there room for them to stay - or would that not work?
I imagine the issue is more around all having to get cabs at midnight - which wouldn’t change if you said say 2am.

alloalloallo · 02/08/2024 11:04

Iusedtobeapenguin · 02/08/2024 10:11

I don't set a time limit - the only rule is they have to be quiet enough to not disturb me/wake me after I go to bed.

Same here.

As long as they’re not keeping anyone else awake, I don’t care if they stay over/what time they leave.

If they are being noisy, then I send them home when I go to bed.

sheepdogdelight · 02/08/2024 11:15

CableCar · 02/08/2024 10:38

I am genuinely intrigued by the late curfew... How do the friends get home at midnight? Do they walk? When I was a teenager we had late night parties or sleepovers, but all hanging out was in the regular daytime hours (until about 10.30pm I guess?) ... Is that abnormal?!

They walk/cycle/electric scooter/taxi/drive themselves depending on day/time/friend.

If they are going to pubs/clubs the trend nowadays is to go out later (possibly after "pre" session at home). So I guess they might be mirroring that even if they are not going "out out".

The other reason is that a lot of them have late afternoon/evening jobs. It's not uncommon for DD to do something with a friend in the early afternoon, then go to her job, and then hang out with other friends after that (possibly, but not always, after coming home for dinner, family catch up and to get changed).

OP posts:
stickthewellyin · 02/08/2024 11:15

As long as they are not disturbing anybody else we have no time limit at all.

Lovingsummers · 02/08/2024 11:26

I've never had to. We've agreed beforehand what is going to happen.

sheepdogdelight · 02/08/2024 11:29

Lovingsummers · 02/08/2024 11:26

I've never had to. We've agreed beforehand what is going to happen.

And what time do you agree? (As that's the point of the thread)

OP posts:
Lovingsummers · 02/08/2024 11:30

sheepdogdelight · 02/08/2024 11:29

And what time do you agree? (As that's the point of the thread)

Individual circumstances. Either they are staying the night (and there are rules about consideration there) or leaving by whatever time is suitable that day. We like to have flexibility. They're not allowed to stop me sleeping though.

longdistanceclaraclara · 02/08/2024 12:50

I'd want them to be sleeping over or out by 1030 latest.

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