To ask was I a bad friend?

[notagdfriend]

I have a childhood friend, very close growing up but have slightly drifted as adults. I got married quite young and have a son with complex needs.. Friend has a lot of mental health issues and is a functioning alcohol. I've tried to support her/get help but she's resistant to it.

Recently it was her hendo , a night away. It started early (about 11 am) it was fun but by 9pm I was flagging, we were in a pub most of group were dancing, a couple were sat. I sat down a few minutes to look at my phone and message dh. Almost immediately friend came over and asked if I was dancing. I said I was having a minute. (Most of others were dancing I wasn't stopping the fun) She then said she wanted me to request a song (she has a habit of asking me to do things for her, get drinks, accompany to toilet etc) I said she could request her own song if she wanted one. She walked off , I felt bad as it's her hen do. I got up danced, requested songs for her.

We all got back to hotel about 1am. We are sharing a room, she mentions setting her alarm for 5am. I said make sure you turn it off as we don't need to be up that early (we are meeting at 10, no plans to do anything before then) she said she would.

5am her alarm wakes me, I ignore it. Ten minutes later it goes off again. A further ten minutes later and it goes off for the third time. I say 'Sarah turn your fucking alarm off'

I have insomnia so i basically lay wide awake from 5am . Friend sleeps (and snores) until 9. She is very off when we are getting ready (one word answers) I ask what's up and she glared at me and went to the bathroom to call her bf. When she comes out I try to ask her what's wrong she turns it on me saying something is wrong with me. I say I'm just tired. She then goes on about how I overreacted to alarm going off and why did I make an issue of it. I say let's leave it it's fine let's just enjoy the day. She keeps pushing me to tell her why the alarm was an issue. In the end I snap that of course setting a 5am alarm when you went to bed at 130 is an issue and that given I never sleep well (due to sons needs) maybe I was looking forward to a lay in.

She burst into tears and said I ruined her hendo and how can she go out and have fun today after the way I spoke to her. She told other friends who comforted her and I was basically the bad guy. I felt massively uncomfortable for rest of day

Was I an awful friend? Should I just have kept my mouth shut?

She sounds like a pita, but you knew who she was when you agreed to go on a piss up and share a hotel room with a functioning alcoholic with mh problems. You were never going to get a peaceful night.

Yes, this. And in this case, it doesn’t even need to be a hen. Any day involving group activities and drinking stat starts at 11 am and ends in the early hours is going to involved tiredness and high emotions.

Definitely not getting up. She has mentioned before she loves waking in middle of night and knowing she can fall back to sleep??!! Mad to me as an insomniac

She sounds batshit

I don't think she's manipulative. Like I said she has a lot of issues and alcohol is not her friend so I think her reactions are sometimes off. But I do feel bad it spiralled as it was her hen do. I'm not an argumentative person at all.

swearing at her was uncalled for

Disagree. I think swearing at someone who has set an alarm and then snoozed the fucking thing is absolutely called for!

Also agree that an repeated unnecessary alarm at 5am on a leisure break is wholly deserving of a good swear.
Aggravating in the extreme, thoroughly selfish. Fuck that.

That’s enough to know about her.

OMG I'm so annoyed for you!! The one time you can have some sleep 😩 Totally not overreacting. I'd be really annoyed. Why was she setting the alarm for 5 anyway?! Maybe she didn't hear the first 2x it went off?

Guess if she doesn't have kids or kids with special needs she may not comprehend what a big deal sleep can be and how exhausting life can be.

I think she sounds like a high needs friend. 😕 I've ended up dropping a couple of similar friends over the past few years which has helped my life feel less stressful. Sending ♥️ to you.

She then said she wanted me to request a song (she has a habit of asking me to do things for her, get drinks, accompany to toilet etc)

I always wonder how people like this get away with this kind of behaviour. Their friends and family need to start saying no to them. I feel they see it as a cute personality quirk when in fact it is unattractive and diva-like behaviour.

So she set the alarm, despite you asking her not to, so that she could enjoy waking up and then going back to sleep?? Batshit. If she wants to do that in the privacy of her own room, that's one thing, but to do it when sharing a room is the act of a selfish cow. Almost like she was trying to piss you off. And if it went off repeatedly, I'm not surprised you swore, anyone would!

Thank you everyone it's being playing on my mind that I shouldn't have snapped on her hen. But it's good to know it wasn't totally unjustified.

I had never been to a hen do until I was in my 50 's.
I've been to 3 now and I am never going to another.
They're on a par with big weddings.
A lot of money spent on unnecessary shite whilst people who shouldn't be in the same country end up in the same room and then alcohol is added to the mix.

Nothing kills a vibe like someone sitting texting. Her asking you to request a song sounds like she was trying to get you back involved with the party! Your response was rude and unnecessary.

Setting an unnecessary alarm for that time is weird and super annoying. Surely if you’re such good friends you could swear at her in a for gods sake kind of way, without it being aggressive/escalating? The alarm thing sounds symptomatic and like she was upset at your behaviour from the night before and the mood shift and used the alarm situation to express that.

I do think you weren’t being a very good friend overall - she probably got the sense off you that you couldn’t really be bothered about her hen and it upset her and that’s where it all stemmed from. These kind of events often shine a spotlight on friendships and magnify any cracks. Your comments on her addiction etc aren’t remotely relevant and show more of how you actually feel about her.

This friendship may not last the distance but I don’t think you’ll be too concerned if it does fizzle.

I think you are wrong OP.

The way she wanted you to get back up the minute you sat down just to request her a song, the way she set an alarm. Knew it would wake you, knew you had asked her to turn it off straight away but ignored it. Knowing this would make you react, makes me think she us indeed manipulative. As alcoholics often are.

I think you were totally justified to snap at her. The alarm thing was incredibly selfish and unnecessary. The whole event sounds torturous!

Oh my God, who on earth sets an alarm for 5.30am if there's no need to get up?? Why on earth did the thought even enter her head?
You did nothing wrong. She sounds like a pain in the arse, to be honest?

Sarah is a prize pillock. Who sets a random 5am alarm for no reason?

Hen nights aren’t a sacred rite of passage - you don’t get to be a cunt because you’re getting married.

She sounds hard work and self centred and she’s lucky you’re still her friend. I’d have told her to get lost long ago.

But at the age of 46 and having been through enough bollocks I have no friends who I don’t actually like and respect the vast majority of the time.

Exactly.

Issues. Don't worry about it

I would have snapped at her too. Way too much drama. You actually want to be friends with this person?

First post nailed it.

You've been to her hen do, don't feel obliged to go to the wedding. You deserved a lie on and in fairness, what I would do is excuse myself early from lunch or dinner or actually before you leave the hotel today and see if there is the possibility of a single room for you to be moved to as you deserve your sleep for the second night.
Tell the bride that you simply cannot run the risk of only getting 4 hours sleep tonight as you will not be in any fit state to travel home safely if you do.

You mention you've already started to distance as the relationship goes...time to put more distance between you.

That was my thought too!

Setting an alarm for 5 when she was asked not to & doesn't need to?

Then dragging others into it to gang up on you?

With friends like that...

I like setting an alarm when I don't have to get up, to be fair. It's lovely thinking 'ooh I could get up & have coffee...or go for a swim...or I could just...zzzz'.

But a) I don't have a great relationship with sleep anyway & b) I appreciate that just about everyone else thinks it's weird.

& only a total wanker would do it when sharing a room. Wildly inconsiderate.

Other than that I agree with pps that it all just sounds like hen do nonsense - tired people, too much booze, weird social dynamics = someone having a wobble & lots of drama.

I'd just let it blow over (& not try too hard with that particular friendship going forward, honestly - sounds like you've drifted for good reason).