Struggling with 12 year old

possum34 · 2024-08-01T20:14:46+00:00

My 12 year old is driving me mad these holidays. He has friends but can't be arsed to contact them to make plans. He will happily read, game, play in the garden etc but after a while complains he's bored and expects me to provide entertainment. I'm juggling work and also have two younger dc who obviously have much different needs and interests. I've booked a day off per week to spend with ds doing things we can't do with the little ones but apparently that's not enough. We had a great day out yesterday just the two of us. Today I've been doing chores, we all did the big shop then went to the park but tonight he's announced what a boring day it's been. I kind of thought he'd be better at occupying himself at this age. He knows he can have friends over or we will give him lifts to see them but he doesn't arrange anything. I don't know how we'll cope for another 5 weeks.

Octavia64 · 01/08/2024 21:19

Make him do a chore every time he says he's bored

He'll soon stop

bergamotorange · 01/08/2024 21:22

If I am reading it right, the only thing he is actually doing wrong is saying it has been a boring day? Just say 'Never mind, you can think of something else to do tomorrow'.

There are parents dealing with kids getting into all sorts of trouble, he's really just being a 12yo.

singularsensation · 01/08/2024 21:31

What would he like you to do? What sort of entertainment would he like?

I sometimes think that pre teens / teens actually do want to spend time with their parents but can't quite say it.

Original poster

possum34 · 01/08/2024 21:39

bergamotorange · 01/08/2024 21:22

If I am reading it right, the only thing he is actually doing wrong is saying it has been a boring day? Just say 'Never mind, you can think of something else to do tomorrow'.

There are parents dealing with kids getting into all sorts of trouble, he's really just being a 12yo.

But what? What do 12 year olds do? Anything I do with the little ones is too young and boring for him, but he seems to lack the maturity to make his own plans too. Despite us saying he can have friends over or have lifts etc. it's such a tricky age.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheets · 01/08/2024 22:09

I used to say to mine 'Do I have a red nose? Juggling balls? Balloon animals? NO because I am not a children's entertainer - find something to do!'

Usually 'I'm bored translated to 'spend money on stuff' so they could jog on - I love them dearly and they have grown up into ace young adults - but being bored is healthy for kids - they need to learn to occupy themselves.

(That said DD1 is 22 and still comes down and says 'I'm bored so I am coming to annoy you and chat shit' which is fun!)

RienDeRienNon · 01/08/2024 22:32

I can understand this. I took mine to a golf place which cost a small fortune but I wanted to spend time with him and he suggested it. You could take him and a friend to a lido or pool nearby. Then swim with the other two?
Or take him to cinema in an evening when your other half is home, divide and conquer?? It’s very hard and I felt same.

Original poster

possum34 · 01/08/2024 23:16

I have been trying to ensure we get at least one day a week where it's just us so we can do cinema or something that wouldn't be as doable with the little ones but that doesn't seem to be enough. Just feel like I'm failing. I'm working a few days a week too so he's left to his own devices then (dh wfh but ds isn't really bothering to make plans with friends so he can't do too much with him either).
He's a good kid. Not ungrateful and quite content with his own company but 6 weeks of expectations is a lot! We are going on holiday at the weekend so hopefully that will break it up a bit.

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 01/08/2024 23:19

You’re making the mistake of thinking his boredom is your problem to solve. He’s 12, he really needs to sort this out himself. A lot of life is boring - it’s a good life lesson if he can learn to live with himself. (Nearly said play with himself - he’ll be doing that soon enough!)

bergamotorange · 01/08/2024 23:26

possum34 · 01/08/2024 21:39

But what? What do 12 year olds do? Anything I do with the little ones is too young and boring for him, but he seems to lack the maturity to make his own plans too. Despite us saying he can have friends over or have lifts etc. it's such a tricky age.

Show quote history

This makes it sound like you think the boredom is a problem?

Boredom is an important precursor to creativity. If he is never left to be bored, he will never learn how to not be bored.

https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20200522-how-boredom-can-spark-creativity

It isn't a problem - it is an important part of growing up.

How boredom can spark creativity

While mind-numbing tedium is never the goal, it can often be the source of great art, writes Clare Thorp.

https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20200522-how-boredom-can-spark-creativity

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 01/08/2024 23:32

And this is a pitfall of society where you have teens going off the rails. They don’t just get to secondary school
and can look after themselves. You still have to parent him, if he’s not making plans then you need to do it for him/ spend time with him. Leave the chores, get the shopping delivered and do something with him.

ghostyslovesheets · 01/08/2024 23:36

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 01/08/2024 23:32

And this is a pitfall of society where you have teens going off the rails. They don’t just get to secondary school
and can look after themselves. You still have to parent him, if he’s not making plans then you need to do it for him/ spend time with him. Leave the chores, get the shopping delivered and do something with him.

Well I work with criminally exploited 14-18 year olds so I'd have to disagree - parental neglect plays a part yes - but on a scale of 'we don't know where they are all day' to - 'they have been missing for a week but we just thought they where with friends' not - 'ah son entertain yourself for an afternoon mums busy'

As the previous poster said - boredom is part of growing up and entertaining yourself is a skill!

Original poster

possum34 · 02/08/2024 08:33

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 01/08/2024 23:32

And this is a pitfall of society where you have teens going off the rails. They don’t just get to secondary school
and can look after themselves. You still have to parent him, if he’s not making plans then you need to do it for him/ spend time with him. Leave the chores, get the shopping delivered and do something with him.

What a strange comment!
I've said I'm specially trying to make one on one time with him but with work and two other dc it's challenging and simply not possible for 6 weeks. I would like to see him organise his time, use his imagination and make his own arrangements with friends...not parent himself!

OP posts:

HotPotato123 · 02/08/2024 08:39

Could you get him to write a list of things he could do when he’s bored? Then when he says he is, refer him to his list!

MuggleMe · 02/08/2024 08:51

Can you tell him after holiday he needs to try and meet up with a friend at least once a week? Then get him to sit down and actually message someone, and be asking who are you seeing and when each week. Could he take himself for a bike ride?

GlutenfreeFast800 · 02/08/2024 08:57

HotPotato123 · 02/08/2024 08:39

Could you get him to write a list of things he could do when he’s bored? Then when he says he is, refer him to his list!

This is a great idea. Sit down with him and help him make a list. I sometimes remind my children how helpful boredom is (as a pp said above). It is a funny old age when they’re (often) not really independent about making plans with friends and still want to spend lots of time with parents. He sounds like a great kid and you sound like you’re doing a great job. I think most 12 yo with younger siblings don’t get one to one time carved out each week. Such a brilliant thing to do if you can.

LoveWine123 · 02/08/2024 08:59

Why do you feel it’s your responsibility to to offer or provide entertainment opportunities for him all day every day for six weeks. That’s his job, let him be bored, that’s part of life. He will find what to do so just ignore any complaining.

I feel like in this country children have overly organised lives where every minute is scheduled and planned for by their parents…school, after school activities, weekend activities, holiday activities…constantly without fail there is something planned for them and when they get a free moment they are unsure of what to do with it as they were never left to figure it out on their own. Having nothing to do is good. Boring is good.

BusyMum47 · 02/08/2024 09:18

So let him BE bored every now & then. It wont do him any harm!
You have to juggle work & other kids- he's old enough to understand that. Putting aside 1 day p.wk. of 'him' time 1 on 1 with you is fantastic but if he wants to do something else, HE can sort it. If not, then boredom it is. Simple as. It's not like you're keeping him prisoner or ignoring him, is it? We were all bored as kids sometimes & we're fine...& our parents didn't give nearly as much of a shit about it!! 🤣