To not understand why she feels the need to gloat?

[sprayday]

My sister lives a life most would be jealous of: she is a SAHM, with a very large home, lots of house help and frequent trips away. Despite this she will still declare that they are skint and criticise me for buying anything new for myself or DC - something I really don’t understand.

I earn an average wage. Both me and DH both have public sector careers which we enjoy but have little pay progression. We will both always need to work to have a nice standard of life, I suppose like many households.

My sister seems to struggle to relate to me. I will take an interest in her day and ask her what she is doing and she will always send back an elaborate long message, detailing different activities she and DC will get up to, baked fresh bread, cooked a 3 course meal for her DH, and then went round to friends with similar age DC all afternoon for a garden party. The message will be several paragraphs long and then she’ll say, ‘what about you?’

My reply is always the same on any weekday - working! I tell her this and try to change the subject but she will just pity me for not having more days off, which I don’t need.

It’s wearing me down and I feel as though we don’t have any common ground. She will never admit to having a shit day and everything’s always idyllic and picture perfect.

AIBU to find interactions so grating? I want a relationship with her but we have little common ground, I can’t talk about anything generic with her as she will bring it back to herself and DC and yes deep down I am jealous, it’s hard not to be when it very much appears as though she doesn’t have any struggles & in turn can’t understand mine

I would message her less. I had her lifestyle when I was a sahm, but would not write copious paragraphs on it to someone.

Instead of saying 'work' say something more detailed...." ohbits been crazy. Meetings all morning and then I had to complete x document by 4pm and it was a big rush to get to the kids in time. "Etc etc
Tell her how your day has been. Its only your interpretation that she is gloating. If she just wrote " looked after the kids all day" it wouldn't be much of a conversation!

Do you think there might be a part of her that feels she has to justify what she does all day? I’m wondering if she has a voice inside her head saying she “should be working”? (not that looking after a kid isn’t work of course!). Could explain the elaborate description of bread baking!
what was your relationship like earlier in life and what sort of stuff did you connect over? Maybe you need an evening out sometime, I always find that helps me and my sister!

Didn't you post the same thing a few weeks back? If not there is another sister out there just like yours!

Agree with poster above. I have been on mat leave for a year x3 and any time any of my friends or siblings texted and asked how I was it would be a response of how knackering it is and that I’m overwhelmed and can’t wipe my bum in peace. I wouldn’t ever paint SAHM as picture perfect because it isn’t!

I would completely stop messaging her unless she sends one first and even at that I would read it and reply a couple of days later.

you don’t know, she could be wishing she was working and feeling trapped at home without her own career and income, worth in a work place and feel other people judge her for “sponging off her husband” (I 100% don’t believe this is even a thing but have heard it mentioned a number of times about SAHM’s) and she tried to feel better by painting her life as happy. All may not be as it seems.

give her the benefit of the doubt but you don’t need to be in each others pockets-and there is power in accepting that and keeping her at arms length. If she notices a shift in conversation it could well lead to a measured conversation about how hard life is as a working Mum and she may open up about how hard it is as a SAHM. Just try and be kind but maintain your own boundaries in the process

So don't ask about her day? I always say don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer. You don't want to hear all the details, so don't ask! Is there anything else you could talk about?
I do sympathise as I'm finding I have less and less in common with my sister and to be honest, I think I'd be relieved to let the relationship go, but neither of us has done anything worthy of cutting the other one out. We have just grown further apart as we've aged and especially now that our dcs are adults with their own families.

How annoying!

I'd front load a few statements to let her know she doesn't need to pity you ''ach yeh, back to the grindstone, I just think of my pension''. (Not saying that you're going to get a huge pension, I just mean, that you'll have one in your own right)

I know it's not a sister but my mother is like this. You can just never be close. If you try to 'connect' on any sort of authentic reciprocal way, she shuts you down, sometimes quite angrily.

But are you not kind of choosing to not say much back when you say "working" and nothing else?

You say you enjoy your job and that's great, why don't you tell her more about your day? what you did at work? anything you achieved that you are proud of? the interactions you had? Your journey? some pretty flowers you see on your way in? a funny joke a colleague told you? a nice coffee shop you discovered on your lunchbreak? how much of a twat your boss is? there MUST be more to your day than "working"

She is going to the effort of telling you all about her day with your niece/nephew why not make an effort back?

She is going to feel sorry for you if you are always so unenthusiastic and make your day sound boring

And then maybe make some nice plans for the weekend

Yeh, no doubt she thinks you think she should be working. And you think she thinks you hate working.

My first response would only inflame things. Instead maybe hint at an understanding that mothers can rarely win, no matter what they do they're going to hanker after one thing or regret something, what's that saying, work like you've no kids and be a parent like you've no job. the actual quote is snappier than that!

You need to take a bit of responsibility, you ask how her day is, she tells you, asks about yours, and you give a monosyllabic answer. Maybe give her some details?

I think she sounds insecure. Feels a bit embarrassed that she is a SAHM when she knows you work long hours, so feels like she has to justify what she’s done all day, so you don’t feel likes she’s lazy and watching daytime TV.

It's not an enviable life.

Why don't you actually tell her something about your day?

I see both sides to this.

I have quite an 'easy' life in that I only work two days, we have a big house, no money worries etc. However I always have to consider my audience and I have to be careful what I say sometimes as many of my friends/family have to work full time, struggle with money etc.
Problem is they always ask about stuff so I feel I have to answer, and then sometimes feel a bit awkward as a result as I'm talking about stuff that to them probably feel a bit '1st world problem stuff', but that's genuinely my life.

I agree with you. If someone replied 'working!' to my several paragraphs, I'd take it as passive aggressive and like they don't want to talk to me, and probably just let the conversation die there.

If you want her to understand what your life is like and appreciate that you love your jobs, why don't you tell her about some of the people you work with, or projects you do, the sense of accomplishment.

It sounds like you are making this hard work on purpose and sounds like there is some underlying resentment from you after all.

Saying something like 'I'm at work as always' almost prompts her to say something like 'oh poor you, you need a break'.

Feels like you need to listen to each other more and genuinely take time to relate to each others' lives. Ask questions, relate to what she's saying, and give her a proper reply when she asks about your life.

Despite this she will still declare that they are skint and criticise me for buying anything new for myself or DC - something I really don’t understand.

How weird. Do you really need this in your busy life?

It sounds like you just don’t have much in common. My sister and I have very different lives but we just chat about any and everything - kids/relationships/TV/current affairs etc.

It sounds like you just aren’t very close.

I have a number of sisters and I think despite all being 60 and over we are stuck with petty childhood roles and jealousies. But I have found it helpful to assert boundaries - I love them, they are my sisters - but we are so different. So we have one weekend away just us every year and we communicate the needs of our 94 yr old and miserable parent. I am closer to my niece and nephew that I am to their mum, my duster. But I find the way to keep up our relationship but manage the difference between us with a bit of distance. I had a career - to varying degrees my sisters didn't. It's one sign of our difference but not the only one.

As we all know - comparison is the thief of happiness. But also in my view - better to be independent and in charge of your own fate.