In laws

[Belle2023]

Hi, so a few years ago my in laws treated my bf badly with a series of incidents which caused alot of damage to their relationship. They’ve never discussed or tried to resolve this between the 3 of them, not even when we told them we were expecting. So I’m a ftm to a 1 yr old boy, my bf and I have been together for a little over 10 years so both know each others families pretty well. Since my lo was born my in laws have not bothered really, they go between 6-12 weeks between visits, never call or text to see how he’s doing and generally show little to no interest (heartbreaking for us as parents), didn’t see him Xmas day and no effort for his 1st bday. Personally the relationship isn’t there for myself or bf to pop over to theirs, not that they ask but with how things are I wouldn’t feel comfortable anyway so they come to ours during visits.
my concern is my lo getting older and realising who they actually are to him and that he barely sees them, never call etc. They have 5 other grandchildren they bother with, see weekly and go on trips etc. it’s heart breaking for me to see how wonderful my lo is and know there are people who are already treating him unfairly and missing so much. I’ve told my bf that we need to have a conversation with them really and ask them to either step up or not be in my lo life (basically be consistent) I feel this needs to happen before he’s old enough to recognise who they are the little contact he has with them.
is this unreasonable for me to think this is the only way? My bf isn’t keen on speaking to them about all his issues with them as parents and with it being a year now and no progression anywhere I don’t know what to do. Just need advice what I should do and if what I’m thinking is reasonable? Thank you

I completely understand how it's hurtful to you that your DC's grandparents are favouring other GC. But I don't think you should give them an ultimatum to have more contact or to stop it completely. They will take the relationship for what it is, and if and when they realise that they're being treated differently, you can have that conversation with them and tell them that it isn't about them, but that you and your DP don't get on with the GP and that it probably makes it awkward and difficult for them to spend time with you.

I say all this with a lot of empathy OP- I wish my kids' GP cared more, and it pisses me off. But it's not up to me to forbid that relationship completely.

I get how you feel but what you’re proposing is weird. It’s fairly common for grandparents to see one lot of grandkids more than others. Kids usually either don’t notice or don’t care. They’d notice if you cut contact completely, and you’d notice and probably not enjoy it if they made their visits weekly.

As much as you want your LO to have a relationship with their GPs like their other grandchildren you can’t force them and if it’s been a year I think in reality you know the answer - they aren’t going to change.

For your BF and them the conversation will have to go much deeper than the distant relationship they have with your little one, it will by necessity have to go into the whole back story with your BF and he has told you he doesn’t want to do it. I think you need to respect his wishes and sadly accept ( as is the case in many other families) sadly relationships aren’t always how we want them to be.

My question is why?

I'm in a similar position, no falling out by DP's dad lives 5 minutes from us (closest than anyone in our family) and we saw them last 3 christmases ago. They don't wish my partner or DS a happy birthday nor have they even got in touch at Christmas.

In my eyes we have no relationship. DS has my parents and my nan who dote on him and that's all I care about. DP's attitude to it is 'he (FIL) has never bothered with me so why would he bother with our DS?'.

If they've made the choice to not bother with you or your child just let it be. No point forcing a relationship if they don't want to.

if the GP wanted to be there they would be, but by the same token how much effort do you go too to include GP in things.

i am a firm believer that the effort has to be both ways.. you have to include them too and with it being a strained relationship i doubt that will happen.

if the GP wanted to be there they would be, but by the same token how much effort do you go too to include GP in things.

i am a firm believer that the effort has to be both ways.. you have to include them too and with it being a strained relationship i doubt that will happen.

@AuntieEstablishment thank you for you’re advice, it’s weird seeing it put like that as in the ultimatum part as I’m my head I’ve thought of it more as a prompt to try and get them to see and bother more. If I was to speak to them I’d have to put it in a different way as wouldn’t want it to be an ultimatum. Thank you for the understanding it is horrible wanting people to care who clearly don’t. I think it will end up being a conversation like you said because hes bound to hear things from his cousin. It’s just hard thinking that will have to happen as never thought it would come to this. Thank you xx

@Parisseb it’s not that I want my child to be around it but I want to give every possible chance for him to have a relationship with his grandparents. I have a really good one with mine and just wanted the same for him that’s why it’s heartbreaking but I will make sure I do what’s in his best interest x

Honestly OP I could have written this myself about my in laws. The way I see it is that my job as a parent is not to facilitate other people’s relationships with my child, the people who want to be there, will be. I’m grateful for the people who show up for my child, who genuinely love and adore her and want to see her grow and thrive, she will always know who made the effort to be part of her life. You can’t force people to do that, they either do or they don’t, all you can do is decide how long you want to leave the door open or whether you are happy with people being in and out of your child’s life as and when it suits them. Personally, I’m not. I wouldn’t bother with the ultimatum, because they won’t change, just accept them for what they are or close the door.

My MIL doesn't give a shit about my DD.

MIL's loss.

@Belle2023 they do not deserve a place in any of your family's lives!! just cut them off altogether. that makes it easier for you dp, your child and yourself!

This situation goes deeper than your child's Grandparents having little to no part in your son's life. To have a relationship with your son, the relationship between your boyfriend and his parents needs to be repaired. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he doesn't wish to discuss matters with his parents. In which case, I can't see how your son is going to have a relationship with his Grandparents. If the situation is forced, your son, as he becomes older, will notice the strained atmosphere within the room, and he will definitely pick up that his Dad has no relationship with his parents. Children aren't daft, they notice far more than adults give them credit for. My son sees my parents far more regularly than he sees my husband's Dad. My father-in-law is not a hands on Grandfather, and Christmas/Birthday presents can be hit and miss. He's not a bad person, and does love his Grandchildren (he has another 4 by my husband's brother), but he's only interested on a superficial level, to be honest. We have never hidden those differences between my parents and my father-in-law. My son found it odd, when younger as he expected my father-in-law to be like my Dad, and he isn't. Now he's 13, he just accepts it for what it is. Unfortunately, I think you may have to accept your boyfriend's decision and that your son won't have much of a relationship with his Grandparents.

Your child will have a relationship with his grandparents, they may not be very close and it may not be the same as their other grandchildren have with them but if they keep seeing him occasionally they will have a relationship.

However, it sounds like it won’t be the idealised relationship you want them to have.

I think that you need to accept that. Don’t try to fix the relationship between your DP and his parents or try to force either no contact or more contact between your child and the grandparents.

Lots of kids (mine included) are fine with a relationship based on occasional contact and the GPs not really knowing them.