To not take dc out because they keep fighting?

[Odearr]

Dc are 10 and 7
10 year old asd/adhd

every time I leave the room, or try to do anything they fight. Follow each other around and fight.. I can't cope with it it's making it completely impossible to do anything. I booked 7yo into a holiday club all week to try and stop the fighting and give them space from each other but he is refusing to go the rest of the week because it's too hot (it's a sports club outside so I do understand I suppose why he doesn't want to go) he spent the Wednesday at the club crying and not wanting to join in so it's also not fair for the coaches to have to deal with that

this afternoon we were meant to go to the splash pad type thing near our house but I've just lost it with them and told them we're not going because yet again I left the room and they instantly started bickering, and don't listen to me at all.

is that harsh? Am I just going to make their behaviour worse with us being stuck inside all day in a flat? Any tips on how the hell to survive the summer holidays with the constant fighting without loosing my mind

No its not harsh, you need to do more of it to teach them a lesson that they don't get rewarded for awful behaviour.

Agree with this OP.
Consequences is what will eventually work .

Be harsh. Much as it's horrible for you to be stuck inside, if you give in they won't take any notice.

Tell them they have one chance to stop, if you are feeling generous, and if they don't anything fun is cancelled. WiFi and TV included.

I know a family who drove to Disneyland Paris. The boys fought all the way there despite being told numerous times to stop. When they got to Paris they had one night in the hotel, then drove straight back. The boys never got to Disneyland. They never fought in the car again either.

Do you have space in your flat to put them in separate rooms?

I find it so hard to manage because with ds1, I know there are things that aren't bad behaviour as such and more a result of his asd/adhd, but now ds2 struggles to understand why I expect more behaviour wise from him in certain situations. E.g I know he can walk sensibly around a shop without being silly or touching everything etc whereas ds1 struggles with this. When ds1 gets overstimulated and starts getting silly then ds2 joins in and copies him.
There's so much tension and rivalry between them i wish they'd just ignore each other tbh because never once have they been able to play together or even chat together without it ending in an argument

Could have written your post. Same situation and similar ages. It's so unbelievably hard and I feel people judge us.

All mine have adhd/asd and bicker. Having a very structured day minimises bickering.

We have house rules with consequences to minimise behaviour difference. Clear exceptions of rules when walking to the shop with a clear personal reward

It's exhausting when they were younger being endlessly positive, reward charts, chill out time, clocks.

They've got cabin fever and need to be able to let off steam outside. For hours and hours. Ideally in something like a small wood or parkland, with a stream, a climbing frame, hillocks, tree stumps to climb, ropes to swing from. Get them outside.

There is no point in punishing them by cooping them up indoors. You will just increase the steam in the pressure cooker.

I have no way of getting them to somewhere like that- i don't drive, we live right by the town centre everywhere is so busy and full of children, there's a small play park and a skate park but very busy during school holidays.
we did go to the same splash place a couple of days ago and they were a nightmare and it was embarrassing (which definitely added to my decision of not taking them today!)

Have had an hour of crying from ds2, he says I'm stopping him having a nice time and that it's my fault we haven't gone. That I'm horrible and don't want him to have fun. Regardless of how many times I have said, he didn't behave so we can't go, he's adamant that I'm horrible for no reason and that he doesn't like me because I made him cry by telling him off. Seems to completely not understand the concept of a consequence- like hitting my head against a brick wall tbh.

I have an 11 year old with ASD and a 9 year old. Last summer was awful. I really cracked down. This summer (and this year) have been better.

Try to schedule something early to start the day on a good note. This summer we have swum (20 lengths) as soon as the pool opens. Then 'play' swimming.

Hard rule: everyone to own room for one hour after coming home. No devices in rooms.

Lunches eaten separately.

Chores done separately.

List of play ideas in the kitchen to help DD1 'choose' something to do.

I was cracking down harshly on any violence from DD1 to DD2. Any transgression of that rule meant the rest of the day in her own room.

Every day starts new though. No reference to previous day if it was bad. Lots of praise for good action - walking away if annoyed, etc.

Time with me 1-to-1 for each child daily - board game, reading, jigsaw, etc.