At my wits end...

[FluentRubyDog]

Please allow me to rant - I'm aware nothing else can be done. Any coping strategies are most welcome.

My mother always made it crystal clear I wasn't her favourite child, to put it mildly. I'm talking physical and emotional abuse, neglect etc. Her idea of parenting was doing an absolute minimum to avoid social services, to the point where I was making my own GP appointments and minding my baby sister (age 2) after school at age 9 until she came back from work, because "why should she waste money on childcare". Day I graduated from uni, she apparently couldn't come because she had a flat tyre. When I moved to another city for work across the country, she charged me for a lift to the airport.

I've been through years of therapy for this. The best I came to reconciliation is the Big Bang episode where Leonard reflects that "Doesn't matter, you're never gonna change. If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you."

Which I sort of did. Last February I had a baby at 24 weeks. This was after 5 miscarriages and years of IVF and struggle. My dad had to keep in touch or ask how we were. 4 months in NICU and all we had were passing comments in family WhatsApp on how the situation makes her feel.

We've been home for 6 weeks now. I accept that being 3 hours away doesn't make visiting easy, but all she said was "I'm sure you have your hands full, so I won't add to that". Having had 5 kids herself, the few times I asked for advice (for example soothing to sleep or managing feeds) she always comes out with "I'm sure you'll manage."

She did that again today. I really should have known better, but that really made me feel again like that little girl with nobody there ever for any school runs, Christmas plays or school trips that I was. I keep trying to tell myself that I can't change her, so what am I upset about. But it hurts.

There, I said it. It hurts. I didn't deserve this.

And now I'm going to go and hold my baby and promise her again I will always be there, even if I have to learn how to bake brownies, which I'm hopeless at, so she could have a bake sale.

Thank you for reading.

im sorry, you will get through this! we grow up being told that we should love and respect our mums.. i'm afraid my mum was pretty much on the same level and (myself now 50+ and 2 DC) i have finally stopped caring about her.

i vowed my children would never know a woman like her, she's passed now thank goodness, and i never talk about her to my children!

sadly you cannot undo what is done, its easy for me i guess because she has gone, as has my dad. you know she is still there, lurking.. try rise above it, go NC if you have too, don't seek her approval because you will never get it.

worry about you and your new baby..

good luck

Sorry you've gone through that. It sounds rough.

I know exactly the episode of The Big bang Theory you're talking about. I did have a slight problem with it. The whole "If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you." didn't sit well with me on it's own.

He's right in one thing, at a certain point you have to accept her for her. But you need to go another step beyond that. What does that acceptance mean? What does it mean for where she sits in your life and what power you choose to give her? I think you've taken the meaning of the statement but I don't think you've really thought about what it means for you.

I totally get why it still stings, though. She gave birth to you but she hasn't been a mother to you. You sound like you've grown up to be a great person despite that so it's time for you to set your boundaries. It sounds like part of you is holding out for some of that maternal love to come through, especially now you have your own child. Chose to have her in your life if that's what you want but do it in a way that recognises who she is really is, not what you hope she'll be. And there's not a person in the world who would judge you if you ever decided to walk away if you couldn't make it work for you.

You have a family now and a lot of love to give. Your kids are very lucky!

You are going to love that little baby so fiercely and wonder why your mum is such an emotional desert. I know from experience, it won’t make you like or respect her but you will probably feel sorry for her. You will absolutely know what she missed out on. I wonder if you are injuring yourself by trying/expecting inclusion from her though. Just knit your own tight little unit and let her watch from the outside. She will be jealous.

Does it really matter if I didn't take it a step further?

That one statement blew my mind. It put into perspective so much, and so much better than many, many hours of therapy. It was one of my turning points in life.

Maybe one day I will have the strength/willpower to think about it further. Right now I'm just grateful for the handout of sanity that it gave me.

Sorry OP, I didn't mean that to say that you've done something wrong or misunderstood the statement. Any benefit you took from it is great. No judgement from me at all.

I only added my perspective because it felt like you were still hurting but, at the end of the day, it's your journey. Take it at your own pace and whatever helps you move forward is your business. I didn't mean to invalidate anything.

Somoeone said something to me the other day about how they think I am a great mum, especially considering my childhood. It shows that you can be a great parent even if you didnt have one yourself.

I went back and forth with being in contact and then not with my mother. Having kids and being welcomed into DH family really helped give me the strength to go NC for good. I havent spoken to her bar the odd text every couple of years DS2 was a baby and he is 13 now!

There have been times during my children's lives where they have been the age I was when something particularly traumatising happened and I have had to work hard to process my feelings. I think this will happen time and time again even as my children become adults. It's not fair that we didn't have the emotional support and love that we should have but all we can do it surround ourselves with people who ARE deserving of our love and time and people who deserve to have a relationship with our children. My sister is still in contact with our mum and often she tells me she drove home in tears because of something she said or that our mum was horrible to my niece and nephew.

I think often with people with not ideal childhoods and inadequate parents,you can go one of 2 ways - either continue the cycle or give your children the opposite of what you had. The fact that you are on here questioning your ability to be a good parent shows that you will be.

But you accepting her for her doesn't mean she's going to accept you for you just because you want it, does it? Accepting her for her means the opposite IMO - it means accepting that she doesn't accept you for you. It means accepting that she wasn't what you needed as a child, that she isn't capable of being who you'd like her to be now, that for whatever reason she was never emotionally equipped to be a mother. I expect she has extremely low self esteem herself quite possibly due to a very difficult childhood.

Once you accept that then IME it helps you to stop having hopes or expectations and to take an large emotional step back. Or of course you can remove yourself from her life completely, you don't owe her anything.

Sending you hugs 🤗

my mum was unsupportive too from childhood to adult hood. Having a baby and becoming a mum changes you. You see things in a different light. It makes you question your own parents more than anything. Ive just thought all i can do is be a better mum than she ever was. Shes never, even now, going to step up so i would give up with her and grey rock xx

I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure so much. This is a very obvious time in your life to examine your mother/child experiences and regret the poor parenting you have received.

It may be a trite statement but this is everything about her and nothing about you. There is clearly a piece of her missing and always has been. Most mothers would crawl over broken glass for their child in their times of need. She prioritises herself.

So unfortunately you are saddled with a pretty useless mother. Do you have anyone else you can lean into for support and advice? I really hope you’ll try to stop trying to get any of this from her because it’s just reinforcing her deficiencies over and over again. Her loss but of course your loss too.

You’ll be a better mother than her and give your DC all that they need.

Best wishes and all. The very best with your tiny trouper. If all else fails you’ll get plenty of good advice here if you need it (though I’d avoid AIBU!)

Your baby has a wonderful mum, I'm so sorry yours is such a waste of time. Focus on your wee family, you've been through hell to get to this point so try and enjoy it. You deserve it.

I think the only thing you need to accept is that your mother doesn't have what you need from her. For whatever reason, she isn't able to give you the normal things you would expect from her. Mine can't either. It's hard, but try not to agonize about the whys and wherefores of it. It isn't because of you, it's because of something lacking in her. It probably isn't fixable, sadly.

I get it, right down to the being an adult in childhood because there was no one else to step up to the plate. My mother put her final nail in her coffin when she refused to come to DH's funeral, it was the one time in my life I really needed her and she chose not to come. Like you, I broke the chain when it came to how I mothered my kids, they are adults now but they know I would move heaven and earth if they needed me. Keep on being that mum you never had, you'll smash it.

You can always ask on here for support, you'll never be alone. and I can talk you through making the best brownies ever having done it for > 10yrs for work

I’m sorry op. You certainly didn’t deserve the mum you got and you’ll end up being a fantastic one because her great gift to you is showing you how not to do it x

Sending massive hugs x

Having my children was an epiphany for me. I’d grown up thinking that I was defective, that there must be something truly awful about me because my own mother couldn’t even love me. When I had my first child, my beautiful perfect innocent little one, she was completely indifferent to him too. I realised right then that there was nothing wrong with me, and everything wrong with her.

30 years later we’re very low contact. I pity her. I stopped turning to her, asking for advice or help many decades ago. Her rebukes hurt me every time, so I stopped putting myself in that position. I accept that she’s a damaged woman, and will never change.

You will be an amazing Mum, because you know how not to be a useless one. Your little one will give you all the love you never had, and more. ❤️

@FluentRubyDog I'm so sorry your Mum is a crap parent. There are more of them about than you might like to think.

I agree with the poster above totally. You accepting your Mother is who she is, does not mean that somehow you have to like her or put up with the hurt she dishes out constantly. It actually means accepting that she will never be able to meet your needs and that it is pointless to try. Knowing that you can't change her frees you to decide how much you are willing to put up with or not. You can't change her, but you can change how you look at it. You can set your own boundaries, You can choose to walk away altogether if you want.

At the moment, it sounds like you haven't really accepted your Mother is who she is, because that little girl inside you is still crying out to be loved by her Mother. You can 'mother' her yourself, by protecting her from situations where your Mother is able to hurt her ( and the adult you). At the moment, you are still reacting with her, seeking her advice and hoping somehow this time it will be different and it won't.

I'm glad that 'accepting someone is who they are' has helped you in the past - but it depends on the situation. I do think this is a situation, when you do need to follow it up and decide what YOU want to do about it. Just my advice though.

Ignore your Mum, Love your Little one and enjoy this time when they are tiny. You'll be a great Mum I'm sure. They grow up so fast

When you mention that quote that says 'I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you', I'm not totally clear what that means. I do think it's important and healthy to accept that your mother was an abusive parent and will never change - and most importantly, that none of that is any way your fault.

But I don't think you have to accept her presence in your life. She is never going to make you happy, ever, because she's a horrible person and always will be. You might find that cutting her off entirely, so that she can longer keep hurting and disappointing you, is the best course of action.

I'd be interested to know where your dad fits into all this. Was he around when you were growing up? Has he ever talked about your mother's behaviour?

Either way - I'm so sorry you've had to experience all this. You sound like a really lovely person and your beautiful baby girl is so, so lucky to have you as her mum.

I feel for you @FluentRubyDog, but here is a little thought for you.... my adult daughter recently said to me that the result of my own rubbish childhood is that I'm the best Mum she could have because I know what to do and what not to do. I'm sure you will also be a great Mum to your little one.

@KreedKafer he wasn't around much when I was a child. My mum and he would get together, make a baby, she'd give birth, get PND and he'd skedaddle. Repeat x5. I think my mother blames me for getting her in that cycle (I'm the firstborn). They are together again, have been for some time now. My dad tries to mend fences every now and then, but it never lasts long.

I'd go no or low contact. Don't think it will make you feel worse about how she feels and acts towards you but might make you feel better yourself. Now you've got you lo, be the mum you wanted her to be.

Please do!