To be worried about not crying or feeling sad after loss

[Animalnitrates]

I have felt a bit emotionless for a while, recently my Dad who I was very close to, passed away, he had been ill for a few years with Alzheimer’s and his quality of life was poor so in some ways I had maybe already grieved him. I loved my Dad very much and saw him every day.

I have not cried and don’t feel sad about it.

i thought maybe it just had not hit me but 2 months have now passed and still nothing! I’ve been trying to watch sad things to make myself cry but nothing is working, I feel like I need to cry but am I being unreasonable? Should I just carry on and not worry about it? Is my reaction abnormal?

There is no normal way to grieve - please don’t add unnecessary guilt or worry into the mix.

It may be that in reality you have been grieving your dad for a long time. Alzheimer’s forces you into a prolonged bereavement as you lose the person while they’re still here. You may also still be experiencing an element of shock or forced stoicism from having to carry on for so long.

Look after yourself and allow yourself to do what you need to ♥️

It is what it is, there is no 'should' about it. I can imagine in this situation there was a certain amount of relief as your dad had Alzheimer's and as you say you had done a lot of grieving when he was alive. It's early days, take each day as it comes 💐

When someone’s had dementia for quite a while, and their quality of life has been poor, not to mention the loss of dignity, I think it’s fairly usual not to feel ‘normal’ grief. TBH I certainly didn’t when my DM died after too many years of dementia. We had ‘lost’ her well before she actually died, so although it was a
sad in a way, the main feeling among me and siblings was that it really was a ‘happy release’ - and I know that’s how her former self would have seen it - she’d have absolutely hated what she’d become.

Please don’t feel at all bad or guilty about it, OP. 💐

I was the same with my dad, and my mum was the same with her parents. I remember lying in the bath the morning after my dad passed thinking “is there something wrong with me? Cos I feel fine.” I did still have wobbly moments - still do in fact, 15 years on - but yes I slipped back into my normal way of being pretty quick. I have adhd which can sometimes affect these sorts of things as you don’t always miss people the same way, but also my dad had been ill a long time so I had already begun my grieving, and I was happy for him because he wasn’t suffering any more.
Human emotions are incredibly complex and we don’t all feel and react to them the same way.
It may also hit you at a random time! Even now the oddest trigger can get me.

I had a grandfather with Alzheimer’s and I remember the night before he died, he was relatively lucid and he was talking about his childhood home and how he looked forward to going there. When the phone rang hours later I knew he was gone. I did cry but it was a short one during the call, a few minutes if that, and that was it. I was sad, but actually more happy to have had a last moment that many are not lucky to have with their loved ones and because I knew he was finally going to the home in his mind and no longer trapped in his body, having days where he didn’t know where he was and people were strangers or not who he thought they were. He lives on in my memories and I see glimpses of him when my mum smiles.

It’s such a hard disease for the person suffering and their families.

Sorry for your loss. 💐

I think it's normal OP, my DGF (who was to all extents and purposes my dad as mine was absent) had a series of strokes and was bedridden and unable to communicate much for the last few years, I felt I'd lost him well before he died and honestly think I had already done all my grieving. It's been 10 years now and the grief has never 'hit' me although I was worried it might, I was convinced for a long time that my reaction was abnormal and I was storing up some sort of awful crash which would knock me for six. I think of him often and it always makes me smile, I don't feel sad that he's gone, just happy I had him in my life for as long as I did. I don't think you need to worry that you don't feel how you think you should, every situation (and person) is different and there are no 'shoulds'.

I have never cried about my dad's death (it was over ten years ago). In a way, I think if he knew that and the many happy memories I have, he would be ok or even glad to know.

There's no normal, there's no stages of grief, it's all Hollywood bullshit. Please just crack on however you feel best. If you fancy it, I'd recommend listening to griefcast - comedians talking about grief is surprisingly cathartic.

So sorry for your loss @Animalnitrates Very interesting as my experience was similar. My dad passed away last year after mentally disappearing for several years (series of tiny strokes which weren't discernible at the time). Every time I saw him (every other month) I grieved the bit of his personality and intelligence that wasn't there any longer. It was sad every time and he was becoming like a robot that had learned to talk like my dad, but I knew he was just repeating previous phrases and couldn't really come up with original thoughts or speech. He was really poorly right at the end and it was very stressful managing his behaviour, especially for the consequences for my mum. I still haven't cried, a year on. I wasn't super close to him but still, it has felt odd not to cry but I just don't feel that I need to. Everyone grieves differently and don't compare yourself or think that you didn't love him because you haven't cried. Just be mindful of how you're feeling and try and process it as best you can. 💐

@Shoeboxcat We have such similar stories. Feels affirming in the way I grieved for my dad before he died.

please don’t reproach yourself, Op.

My dad passed away in April this year after a lengthy battle with dementia. The disease ravaged him and my (significantly younger) mum who tried to preserve his dignity in his twilight years.

I adored my dad and he loved me. But I saw his wonderful personality and body succumb to that illness in, frankly, awful ways. I started to grieve 2 years before his death when it became obvious we were losing him. I actually wished death for him (tricky one in polite company!) and saw it like a welcome guest; largely because of how much I loved him and how much I knew he would have hated to have been the shell that he became.

People have since remarked on how ‘well’ I’m doing. But they don’t know how it felt like to witness your hero disintegrate over weeks and months. You almost have a head start. It also gave us the opportunity to give him a wonderful send off that was fitting to his life - the part we enjoyed with him.

So my advice is to not let others’ perceptions guide how you should feel/grieve. There is no normal. it has no bearing how much you loved and love your dad.

wishing you well.

With dementia, the "bereavement" happens a long time before the actual death. Many people report that their main emotion when the person dies is just relief, pure and simple.
You are perfectly normal, OP.

Sorry for your loss.

You are being unreasonable to expect there is one way to grieve.

Just be kind to yourself and make sure you have some people around you or you can quickly reach out to who understand about losing family members. This is because your loss can suddenly hit you and anything can trigger it.

It's completely normal OP. Especially when Alzheimer's and dementia (or any character changing illness) is concerned.

If it helps to know,, I've experienced something very similar with members of my family who were "lost to me" through illness.

There's a lot written about "anticipatory grief" online if you want to understand it a little more.

Take care OP x

YABU to try force yourself to cry, OP!

There’s no right or wrong with grief, it happens differently for everyone depending on circumstances. You don’t have to cry now - or ever - to prove you loved and miss your Dad.

With Alzheimer’s and dementia, you’ve already lost so much of the person he was that you’ve essentially pre-grieved. But even if that isn’t the case, you don’t have to cry. You will process his loss in your own way to your own schedule.

I’m sorry for your loss and I send you my condolences.

I have lost two family members in similar circumstances and felt the same way as you, op. I felt that I grieved them slowly while they were alive and dying, and almost felt relief for them when their suffering (and by association, my own to a much lesser degree) was over. I hope you don't ever lose someone suddenly or without so much warning as dementia, but I found that that was a totally different (and much worse) grieving process.

Grief has so many guises. It is not always obvious when it makes you lose your temper over minor irritations or numbs you to things that used to annoy or please you. Be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can. Sending condolences for your loss.