To think ex is being manipulative

[Whattodoaboutitagain]

ExH is talking to the DC (both teenagers) about Child maintenance and telling them not to tell me he has done so.

I’m not sure about the exact conversation but DC1 is suggesting it’s along the lines of ‘you need to stay with me (exh) more so I don’t have to pay mum’ .

It’s difficult because both DC have asked me not to let on they’ve told me about this. It’s not the first time he’s asked them to keep things from me. I want them to keep talking to me and so feel that perhaps I shouldn’t say anything to exH as I think he will mention it to them.

wwyd?

Do they want to stay with him more?

I would speak to exH and let him know but that also he is not to take it out on the kids for telling you as it isn’t fair on them. Why on earth do men behave like this?! Ask him if he would want them to tell him something if roles were reversed. Playing with kids minds is wrong. Maybe speak to your kids first to explain that you are discussing it because it is bad behaviour and you want it to stop for them so that they don’t have anymore of these worries. Make sure you make it about the kids and their mental health when you approach it. If he is a decent eniugh bloke he will listen.

If your DCs were younger then I'd possibly confront it head-on but as they're teens I think it's best not to even hint to your ExH that they've said anything.

Your DCs have told you this in confidence. They need to know that they can safely talk to you about things that are bothering them and that you're on their side. Instead I'd find out how they feel about what their dad said, try to validate their feelings but make it clear that you love them and want them to be with you.

I would make it clear to the children they are teenagers . Ask them if they are happy with current arrangements . If they say yes tell them they decide and you will support them .

I wouldn’t go to ex .. the kids are still talking to you ..you still know what he is spouting to you.

Tell the children the reality would not be what dad thinks even if they did spend more time with him he would still need to spend the money on them because that's literally what it's for

On a personal level how bad is it for them that their dad only wants them so he gets to keep money and that he tells them this that's got to hurt them

DC1 yes possibly and I’m fine about this. Although can’t tell if he’s feeling under pressure. He wants to keep ExH happy. DC2 no and would rather stay less but feels guilty.

I wouldn't talk to him, as it will just make him more manipulative.
But I would talk to both the DC honestly. Explain how the maintenance is used to feed and clothe them and how much you would have to cut back without it. Also ask them if they think their Dad would do as much? (To be honest if he's resentful and mean about giving you money he would be as bad with the dc themselves.)

I also don't think it's a bad idea for boys to realise the ongoing financial commitment of having children.

Don't speak to ex.

Do speak to the DC about manipulative and coercive behaviour. Do encourage them to develop critical thinking skills.

They very much need to learn to identify and know how to bat off manipulation.

Your ex is setting them up to subconsciously choose coercive relationships, or be manipulative themselves.

@Whattodoaboutitagain I am in two minds about this. They are teens and have views on what they want. Have you got an agreement in place? Is he seeking to vary it? Or does he want 50:50? I do think he should have spoken to you if he has money issues but how he’s approached it is underhand.

I would not betray the confidence of dc but I would talk to them about what they want. They matter more. So is DC who would be with his dad for more fully appreciative of the mechanics of this? Would it work? If he’s just trying to please his dad, has day to day living been considered by DC? As they get older they will have views that might need to be facilitated, even if dad prompts it. He is allowed to have views too.