DH friend's wife messaging him with their marital problems.

[DidoTwyte]

Let me start out with the fact that I trust my DH, but lately, I've been mildly put out by some of his WhatsApp messaging activity and would be really grateful for an outside perspective.

Long story short, my husband has a work friend he regularly does online gaming with; let's call him Dave, and Dave's wife is apparently messaging my husband monthly, outlining the marital problems between her and her DH.

There's nothing untoward in the messages, but something about the situation makes me uncomfortable. I found the messages myself -we know each other's passcodes and he gave me his phone to look for a link or something, and just something in the top line of one of her messages made me curious. It was a message saying her husband (again, this is DH's friend) was in a mood with her and how she wasn't confident in their relationship - there weren't any flirty overtones, and my husband's reply was reassuringly bland - but I just felt it was a bit weird to privately message my DH about, and also a bit of a 'going behind his friend's back' kind of situation. I mentioned this, and he said he thought I was massively overreacting but wouldn't message her back anymore.

A few weeks later, she messages again -- I only knew about this because I casually asked during a chat about their gaming sessions if he'd heard from her lately. I was surprised to hear she'd messaged him again only a few days ago, relaying something very personal (again, this is DH's friend) and wondering if it meant he might end their relationship - basically asking for advice. I want to emphasize I do trust my husband, but there is something a bit off to me about him not relaying this info (sensitively) to his friend, and I am also confused about why she is asking my DH (who she has never met other than in a gaming situation) for advice rather than her friends/family. He didn't reply, but I was a bit put out he didn't mention it in a jokey way, and at the very least feel he's being a bit of a crappy friend to Dave.

AIBU, or is this a bit weird? My personal reaction, if the roles were reversed, would be to say to my friend, 'um, your partner keeps messaging me - is everything okay with you two' - but DH seems content to keep these messages secret between the two of them 'so as not to cause drama'. I genuinely don't know if I'm being a loon in this one -- I kind of suspect I am and should just move on?

Yeah there is something a bit off. I don’t necessarily think anything has happened but there is a weird crossing of boundaries in all sorts of ways. I think I’d be telling him that he needs to tell her he doesn’t want to be texted about their relationship: it makes him feel awkward about his mate, it makes him feel awkward about his relationship as it is t appropriate and tell
her to stop.

Yanbu. It’s really odd. They don’t have any existing friendship and she only knows him because he games with her husband. Why on earth would she message him privately, about anything? I’d imagine the friendship with the husband will be over when he finds out - does your husband realise that?

I've had friends be in touch with me about their relationship, in detail. Does she perhaps think of your dh as more of an intimate friend than he thinks of her as?

Your husband should be smart enough to stop this nonsense in it's tracks without you having to tell him. He is not this woman's therapist and his relationship with her is absolutely inappropriate.

Well yes I think it's strange your DH hasn't just shut her down: if he has any loyalty to his friend he should have been telling her he didn't want to get involved .
Any messaging that has to be kept secret is not good news.
I would be asking your DH why he is getting involved in his friend's marital problems. Ask him what they have to do with him.

This and I think there is a chance that this woman is making a headway for your husband

Are you all friends or DH and her DH are friends and she just randomly messages? If your not all friends as a group I’d be wondering why she first messaged, why she feels she can and why DH hasn’t told her to stop

Message her back and ask her why she contacting your husband with her personal issues.

It's a bit off alright. Your DH should have shut this right down from the start. It looks like you need to spell it out to him, OP. Make it absolutely clear that it's inappropriate.

I just can't see myself telling a colleague's spouse about any marital problems. I would be furious if my husband discussed the future of our marriage with one of my friends. I think your husband needs to close this down. I don't think it is innocent on her part.

Erm... he's being an incredibly bad friend to Dave. That should be the root of this situation - why didn't he reply to the first message with: "I don't feel comfortable talking about your relationship like this, sorry if you're having a rough time but Dave is my mate." He needs to nip this in the bud.

Unlike other posters, I don't think she is making a play for your husband, more likely that she is trying to get allies to 'her side of things' so that she has some leverage in the event that her relationship goes south...

Shut that shit down, it’s not ok