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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son and girlfriend want to combine family holidays

18 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:35

My son, 22 is dating his girlfriend of 2.5 years. She just turned 21 and lovely. They both go to university out of state (We’re US). My son mentioned possibly us going to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with her family (he didn’t say this but I know it’s because they wouldn’t have to either be separated from their families for the holidays. We’ve met her parents once - they are very nice but they are very full on whereas my husband and I are very chill. We also are on opposite sides of the country so we’d be looking at a all day flight!

I don’t think I am, but aibu to think if they ever get married I’d consider this but not for ‘just’ a college romance? They both have never dated anyone else! Her parents are quite wealthy and entertain a lot. We’ve spent a weekend with them at my son’s insistence a year ago and we did and I was so emotionally drained by the end!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 31/07/2024 20:39

So you haven't actually been formally invited anywhere?

If you really don't want to go, I'd get some excuses ready just in case.

Will your DS come home if you don't go?

Can they do Thanksgiving with you and Xmas with her parents (or vice versa?)

pinksheetss · 31/07/2024 20:40

YABU to only consider it if they were married. 2.5 years is a lengthy time and they obviously want to have the company of all of you whilst spending it together and not upsetting one side

YANBU to not want to go. Sounds like a large journey for you and ultimately if you don't want to you can't be forced to. Just say it doesn't work for you.

However I would note it's likely your son is going to go spend that period with girlfriend and his family either way whether you go or not?

Dearg · 31/07/2024 20:41

It’s a kind thought - your son wants everyone together and happy etc. But it can be a strain on all involved, and ime relationships between in-laws are better built without those ‘hot-house’ moments. If it’s not for you right now, just tell him that - you can soften it by blaming distance , other relatives etc. But it’s fine to say no.

Original poster
TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:43

No we have not actually been invited yet!

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 31/07/2024 20:43

I would tell him you are happy for him to join her family if that is what he would like. If they stay together there will be lots of opportunities later

FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 31/07/2024 20:46

Our children are both mid 20s and have serious boyfriend/girlfriends who they've been with for 3 and 4 years respectively.

We've been rotating holiday periods for a couple of years now. They go to one family one year and the other the next.

That's what we did with our parents.

No way would I force a joining of families for holidays.

You'll have enough of that should grandchildren come along!

Original poster
TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:48

I’m sorry I should have clarified that if their relationship continues on after university, as in living together (or even just dating seriously) I would consider it. They should both be getting their Masters at the same time, so in two years they will either be living their adult lives with each other or not.

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 31/07/2024 20:50

TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:43

No we have not actually been invited yet!

So what's the issue?

CaptainCrocs · 31/07/2024 20:50

obviously yanbu to do something you don’t want to do. But have a think about all the unhappy MILs of grown up sons who feel they’re not included as much as the daughter’s parents. You’ve a son that wants to include you, if you don’t take him up on the offer now you might not keep getting it. That’s your choice.

Original poster
TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:50

I want to have my ducks in a row in case we are!

OP posts:
WickieRoy · 31/07/2024 20:50

I married my college boyfriend so this may well be the one for him, but YANBU at all not to want to do this.

Just tell him you'll be staying home but they're both welcome to join you for either or both holidays. Then suggest that they do one with each holiday and swap next year (but don't ask or insist).

Do you have other DC? What does your DS expect them to do? Or you to do in future when they also have partners?

Original poster
TowerRavenSeven · 31/07/2024 20:52

He’s an only child…we wanted more but it didn’t happen.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 31/07/2024 20:54

Can you go but get a hotel or similar do you can have downtime on your own?

tbh it’s my idea of hell, but it’s a good gesture from your son and I think you should try.

circular1985 · 31/07/2024 21:09

Depends how much you want to spend the holidays with your only dc. I'm a mum of one and I'd go anywhere to spend the holidays with her (if she wanted me). If my dc wants to do alternating then I'll be away to the Caribbean on my year off.

Franjipanl8r · 31/07/2024 21:16

If I had an only child and was invited then I’d go. I’d double check with the hosts they were ok with it though - it’s a big ask to host strangers at Christmas. (If you get the invite)

Delphiniumandlupins · 31/07/2024 21:24

Are you prepared for your DS to spend the holidays without you? Would you rather be with him and her family or on your own? If you are invited will you have to reciprocate?

Abouttimeforanamechange · 31/07/2024 21:46

it’s a good gesture from your son

'Mom, Dad, how would you like to spend two days of the holiday sitting on a plane?'

And that's all it is from her son - a gesture. It won't be him doing any of the preparing for and hosting guests, will it?

OP, I think the length of the journey alone would be a good enough reason to decline.

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/07/2024 21:51

Oh no! I wouldn't.

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