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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if someone cant/won't accept your boundaries they can never be your friend?

23 replies

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 19:10

Following on from my previous thread. Someone at work sent me a text along the lines of "what would you say if someone told you they had feelings for you" then tried to back track and it was someone asking them this question when you gave them a negative reply.
This is now nearly 2 weeks on. I had to ask at least 3 times for him to stop texting me. I have asked I don't know how many times for them to leave me alone and that I don't want to speak with them right now. In return I have had them every half an hour come to my desk. They have asked me if I forgave them, come back 5min later ask if I will ever forgive them and then ask if they can explain, I answer no, don't know and no. Then later on in the day lean on my work so I can't carry on to try and shake my hand and reintroduce themselves, again I told them no I don't want to. They are constantly asking if I need their help with my job, even though there is only enough for me. Asking my friend if I'm OK because my reply is obviously not enough.
Today I literally ignored them (twice, rude I know but I'm getting fed up). For them to come ask me if I'm sure I'm OK. I stopped been nice and told them how much they are irritating me. This worked for a few hours but then came back trying to help me. I shuck my head instead of replying.

Sorry for the length but I feel like I can never be friends with this person again as they can't respect my boundaries and request for space.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 31/07/2024 19:13

The next time they approach you you need to say calmly, 'If you come and speak to me again I will be reporting you for harassment to HR/boss. I will raise a formal grievance against you because your behaviour is utterly inappropriate. Now go away'.

Be calm, be clear and if they do anything other than walk away immediately then you stand up and you go knock on your bosses door and ask to speak with them.

You don't have to put up with this.

telestrations · 31/07/2024 19:14

This is harassment

OrangeSlices998 · 31/07/2024 19:14

This guy needs to learn no means no and to back off. I wouldn’t give any warnings or further chances, report to your boss and his, and HR.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 31/07/2024 19:15

You need to report to your manager and HR

SauviGone · 31/07/2024 19:18

Report to HR first thing tomorrow morning.

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 19:20

Hatty65 · 31/07/2024 19:13

The next time they approach you you need to say calmly, 'If you come and speak to me again I will be reporting you for harassment to HR/boss. I will raise a formal grievance against you because your behaviour is utterly inappropriate. Now go away'.

Be calm, be clear and if they do anything other than walk away immediately then you stand up and you go knock on your bosses door and ask to speak with them.

You don't have to put up with this.

This was what I was thinking. Luckily he is on annual leave from Friday. I was thinking of having a chat with my manager next week. He is a team leader, not my current team leader but they rotate every 6 months.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 19:20

Of course you can’t be friends with him - who the hell would want to be friends with him? He’s literally harassing you at work!

Screenshot any messages he’s sent you after you told him to leave you alone, block him and make it clear that any chance of being friends is long since dead and buried and that’s your final word on the matter.

You definitely need to have a word with your manager or HR team about his behaviour. You’ve asked him to leave you alone and he has refused; that’s textbook harassment. What a creep.

MrsClatterbuck · 31/07/2024 19:26

Exactly report report report. How long has this been going on because after a few times of them not getting the message I would have reported them.
Mind you I would have given him the "look" as my dh calls it and he would have slunk off pretty quick. As for the leaning on your work that is very intimidating and trying to make you shake his hand also intimidating. Reiterate those scenarios to your boss and HR.

OrangeSlices998 · 31/07/2024 19:27

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 19:20

This was what I was thinking. Luckily he is on annual leave from Friday. I was thinking of having a chat with my manager next week. He is a team leader, not my current team leader but they rotate every 6 months.

Why wait? Report ASAP. Block his number.

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 19:35

OrangeSlices998 · 31/07/2024 19:27

Why wait? Report ASAP. Block his number.

I guess I feel more comfortable that I know he's not there

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 31/07/2024 19:37

Tell him you have male bits in your underpants, he won’t trouble you again.

MounjaroUser · 31/07/2024 19:37

Compose an email to your boss tonight. He's harassing you and making a complete fool of himself, too. Let your boss deal with it.

annamilo · 31/07/2024 19:42

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 19:10

Following on from my previous thread. Someone at work sent me a text along the lines of "what would you say if someone told you they had feelings for you" then tried to back track and it was someone asking them this question when you gave them a negative reply.
This is now nearly 2 weeks on. I had to ask at least 3 times for him to stop texting me. I have asked I don't know how many times for them to leave me alone and that I don't want to speak with them right now. In return I have had them every half an hour come to my desk. They have asked me if I forgave them, come back 5min later ask if I will ever forgive them and then ask if they can explain, I answer no, don't know and no. Then later on in the day lean on my work so I can't carry on to try and shake my hand and reintroduce themselves, again I told them no I don't want to. They are constantly asking if I need their help with my job, even though there is only enough for me. Asking my friend if I'm OK because my reply is obviously not enough.
Today I literally ignored them (twice, rude I know but I'm getting fed up). For them to come ask me if I'm sure I'm OK. I stopped been nice and told them how much they are irritating me. This worked for a few hours but then came back trying to help me. I shuck my head instead of replying.

Sorry for the length but I feel like I can never be friends with this person again as they can't respect my boundaries and request for space.

You need to report him. This isn’t right and it’s not fair that they are making you feel like this.

annamilo · 31/07/2024 19:43

coldcallerbaiter · 31/07/2024 19:37

Tell him you have male bits in your underpants, he won’t trouble you again.

Good idea 😂

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 20:14

coldcallerbaiter · 31/07/2024 19:37

Tell him you have male bits in your underpants, he won’t trouble you again.

😂

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 31/07/2024 20:20

This is quite serious harassment. Report formally, don’t just have an informal chat with someone who might go “maybe he’s just being friendly”. Keep notes of his behaviour. Do you have witnesses?

Don’t feel you owe him politeness. He isn’t being courteous to you. You owe him absolutely nothing.

Chester23 · 31/07/2024 20:31

FictionalCharacter · 31/07/2024 20:20

This is quite serious harassment. Report formally, don’t just have an informal chat with someone who might go “maybe he’s just being friendly”. Keep notes of his behaviour. Do you have witnesses?

Don’t feel you owe him politeness. He isn’t being courteous to you. You owe him absolutely nothing.

No witnesses really. I work in a factory and my desk isn't that close to others. Like if everyone was at their work areas they have to shout across to me.

OP posts:
greenwoodentablelegs · 31/07/2024 20:34

start logging all your interactions

ask for a meeting with your boss and HR, saying that you feel uncomfy. state you do not want him a team leader.

TheOccupier · 31/07/2024 21:13

Definitely report. And don't delete the messages, you may need them as evidence.

Chester23 · 01/08/2024 13:13

So, I've spoken with my manger. He is going to speak to hr for advice, he is new to the job so wants to deal with it correctly. But he also told me that even before lines where crossed he has previously told him to leave me alone and stick to his area which apparently didn't go down well.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 01/08/2024 14:26

Chester23 · 01/08/2024 13:13

So, I've spoken with my manger. He is going to speak to hr for advice, he is new to the job so wants to deal with it correctly. But he also told me that even before lines where crossed he has previously told him to leave me alone and stick to his area which apparently didn't go down well.

Then if this is the case your manager needs to step up and tell this man that he is escalating it higher. This man needs a formal warning from someone higher up the chain and the realisation that he could find himself dismissed if he continues with his behaviour.

Fraaahnces · 01/08/2024 14:47

Well I am glad that your manager can see what’s going on and has your back. You absolutely should not have to tolerate this shit at work. Nor should you feel guilty for the consequences this creep has to deal with for choosing to ignore your very clearly expressed boundaries.

Chester23 · 01/08/2024 16:47

Fraaahnces · 01/08/2024 14:47

Well I am glad that your manager can see what’s going on and has your back. You absolutely should not have to tolerate this shit at work. Nor should you feel guilty for the consequences this creep has to deal with for choosing to ignore your very clearly expressed boundaries.

Thank you. My manager is easy to talk to and has told me to go up when ever I need to and that he doesn't want to lose me from his team especially over this. He has had my back in a previous situation. Not the same kind though

OP posts:
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